Tuesday, 30 June 2009

#5 - Purgatory

A.K.A. Surely something interesting will happen soon?

With all peoples eyes on Wimbledon and also their pale skin as it burns in the limited days of English summer people seem to have forgotten football. Even the creative forces behind transfer rumours seem to have instead been out in a beer garden. Perhaps making rumours about the pub being sold to another pub. With this in mind. I have little to work with.

The only news (if it really is news) is that we seem to have edged one step closer to the inevitable transfer for of Antonio Valencia (pictured) from Dave Whelan FC. Which is probably what he is going to rebrand it too. Although, in fairness to Dave Whelan his role as for this transfer is probably the exact opposite of Daniel Levy's escapades in previous seasons. With the £16m figure seeming the most likely.. many may think this is a large amount for a winger who's goal scoring tally isn't too high and with no real top class expierence. Though surely in this season of credit-crunch busting transfers the £16m looks more like the £500,000 figures of two years ago?

In other news.. um.. is there any? I'll try and scrape the barrel.

Carlos Tevez (who can't stop talking lately) claimed he should have started in the Champions League final. Forgetting his 3 sitters he missed a year before in the same final.

Probably former Manchester United player Fraizer Campbell's England U-21's were trashed in the final. Campbell of course didn't play after being sent off.. so really it's not that interesting United-related news.

The possible transfer of Karim Benzema becomes a little more likely as Lyon manager Claude Puel says he isn't ruling out selling the forward. Though do we really want another striker who's going to mope around wanting to go to Madrid? Not to mention the comparisons to Cantona is surely something no one will be able to live up for. I don't think I'm going to be watching Looking for Benzema in 15 years time.

Scraping the barrel so much that I have cracked the bottom of it now; we (we're United by the way) are apprently going to try and sign Yaya Toure. Or is that Toure Yaya? Either way, good player as he is... I suppose this will only be likely of going through if Mascherano goes to Barcelona. If then.

This lack of football news is pretty devastating really. I'm pretty sure the presenters of Sky Sports News are smoking cigars and laughing in the direction of an empty Setanta Sports News studio which is now inhabited by homeless people and hopefully Steve McManaman.

I give up today.

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Thursday, 25 June 2009

#4 - Yawn

A.K.A. Don't you wish you could just hibernate until the entire transfer window is finished?

Whilst playing Monopoly there is always a situation where everybody has something everyone else wants. Everyone is far too stubborn to hand over the pink ones because people land on them a surprising amount of times so everyone is left with stand alone properties with no houses or hotels. That, is today's bizarre metaphor for United's recent attempt to sign anyone. Douglas
(Pictured) Costa's club Gremio has at first seemingly rejected a £6.7m (About £4000 in monopoly money) bid. Then United decided to be gentle and try giving a trial (A get out of jail free card) to the lad. Still though, Gremio seem pretty insistent that he stays. Because Brazil has such a fantastic record at keeping clubs from hungry European clubs who like to feast on Brazilians.

Casillas obviously wants to stay at Madrid, Benzema doesn't seem to want to go anywhere, Valencia wants to decide his future at a later date (whilst no one is on the edge of their seat), Ribery wants to go to Real and David Villa is too busy grooming his soul patch. This could be one of the longest transfer windows for some time at this rate. I expect a final day madness which sends the FA's paperwork staff into simultaneous heart attacks.

Manchester City are apparently in "pole position" for Tevez's signature according to Sky Sports. I'm unsure how exactly they got there? What sort of qualifying lap do you need to do to get in pole position for a transfer?

Atletico Madrid have also ruled out a sale for Sergio Aguero. Though since we're £80m loaded now we could easily tackle the auto-accepted £stupid-amount-million asking price and they'd be non the wiser.

Jack Rodwell recently stated Rio Ferdinand was his hero. Does this mean that perhaps Tribalfootball has gotten a rumour right? Has the world gone completely potty?

In non United news. The signing of Glen Johnson to Liverpool seems pretty much done and dusted. Glen Johnson will move on a 6 month loan before Liverpool accept half as much as they purchased him for to take him away.

On a rare occasion I will actually talk about International football. Spain crashed out of the Confederations Cup 2-0 to the USA last night after a very deserved victory. The entire globe is amused.

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Tuesday, 23 June 2009

#3 - Regularity

A.K.A. If people actually read it, you may as well write something semi-interesting.

With Setanta Sports (pictured live right now) losing it's rights to Premier League yesterday. Or maybe the day before. Maybe earlier. Today it has ceased transmission. Mickey Mouses' ESPN has taken over the rights for a few United games probably worth however much we have to pay. Unless everyone does what most people do now and just stream it from various sources. Most people though are just rejoicing on the streets that Steve McManaman will be nowhere near our television screens except from occasionally watching Premier League Years.

After alleging that United are "raping" brazillian football. Carlos Alberto will no doubt be horrified to hear the news of United being linked recently with every single brazillian player. Except Kleberson, obviously. Douglas Costa, Nilmar and Dodo being those most strongly linked with us. Who'd join up with Rafael, Fabio, Anderson and Rodrigo Possebon. Still compared to most clubs in Germany. Our "raping" of Brazil is surely just a little cheeky coping a feel of a breast? Surely more puling to come from Carlos Alberto. Pule is dictionary.com's word of the day.

In good news, Darron Gibson wants to extend his contract with us. This hopefully meaning we have a Darren Fletcher replacement ready, just in case he gets sent off for a brilliant tackle again.

Expected shortly is United being linked with every single dutch player coming out of Real Madrid. Ruud himself has called for an exodus of all dutch talent from Real Madrid. Except himself of course. Would a sneaky bid for Van der Vaart, Huntelaar, Wesley Sneijder (not Snipes) or Robben really be a bad thing? We know they're good players they're just no good under a rubbish Real Madrid side.

Steve Bruce is looking to increase the number of Sunderland's United linked stars to an even strangerly higher number with a swoop (why is the word swoop always used in these stories?) for Fraizer Campbell. Presumebly because they can both combine their surnames to form Bruce Campbell. The greatest actor of all time.

Lyon-born Lyon player Karim Benzema seems to want to stay at Lyon for another season. Before securing his dream move to Real Madrid, or Manchester United, or Barcelona, or Chelsea, or AC Milan, or Arsenal, or Interzationale, or CFR Cluj. Whichever club offers him the money and forces him to change his mind about what club he dreamed of as a boy.

So desperate was I for things to write about I resorted to.. Tribal Football. Yes, the Coronation Street of football rumours.

They seem to think we'll be after Everton's Jack Rodwell. Which means we are not after Everton's Jack Rodwell.

In international news...

No! Never!

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Monday, 22 June 2009

#2 - No Excuses

A.K.A. I should be getting better at this.

So, with the official news that Carlos Tevez (pictured) will not be staying at Manchester United journalist, bloggers and myself are wondering what to write about for the upcoming months. With the two big ones of transfers almost certainly done and dusted there will soon be an escalation of transfer rumours.

Still, speculation will be strife as to why Tevez is leaving. Despite being able to speak about 3 words in as many years as he's stayed in England. Carlito really seems to love it here. So why did he leave? Well, as much as the claim about first team football may be raised, with Cristiano Ronaldo gone did he really think he wouldn't be getting more games? Or is it Kia Joorabchian. Who is almost certainly all about the money. Obviously, all we come clear with who exactly Tevez signs for. Stay tuned... find out on Sky Sports News first.. then come back here a few days later.

Karim Benzema, who has one of those infuriating shaven-lines-in-head bit seems to be the next moody striker on the way to Old Trafford. This will no doubt lead to a mood-off between Benzema and Berbatov. Which could only lead to certain destruction, or them starting a Shoe-Gaze band.

Franck Ribery still linked. Still looks like the "forgotten" Neville brother that was locked in a basement for years.

Other speculation links us with Samuel Eto'o'o'o'o'o'o'o! Who'o is quite good. Though surely won't be moving anywhere until Barca bring someone else in.

Probably-crap rumour as well saying Jose Mourinho (star of Special 1-TV) is trying to get Hard Bastard Kiko Macheda. No chance. I can say that for sure.

Saving the most insane piece of news to last. United have also been linked with a swoop for Iker Casillas. The best goalkeeper in the world. He has to be, to keep any cleansheets in front of defenders of the quality of Real Madrid for the last 5 or so years. Does anyone even remember when Cannavaro was good? Did we all just make it up?

In intertnational news...


No I can't bare to write about it. It's just not a fun subject.

What's unknown Portuguese winger doing? Who knows?

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Thursday, 11 June 2009

#1 - The Pilot

A.K.A. The one where Oceanic 815 crashes.

In the top 2 of all it-was-going-to-happen-eventually transfers. The other being Eric Djemba-Djemba's obvious transfer to Odense Boldklub. Should that be Boldklub? Real Madrid finally signed unknown Portuguese winger Cristiano Ronaldo (pictured) for £80,000,000. That is 4/5s of Newcastle United. Of course, this will get more media coverage than the second coming of Christ would, assuming there was a first. If it wasn't for the bottom bar of Sky Sports News, with all the coverage it was getting you would simply assume Ronaldo was dead. Ronaldo now joins Kaka in a team with no defence that will finish 2nd again behind Barcelona.

Rumours a plenty of course to where that £80m is going. David Villa? Franck Ribery? Antonio Valencia? Karim Benzema? Moritz Volz? I have no idea who it'll be spent on because I don't have "sources".

Still. I think it's only fair to get past the Ronaldo commotion and onto other news.

More rumours a plenty linking Nani with a move back to Sporting Clube de Portugal. Not Sporting Lisbon. No, not on this blog anyway. Either on loan, or as a swap for Joao Moutinho. Or any other ideas the media think will seem like a likely story. Of course, Nani deserves another season, where he could perhaps get into a redivivus spell of form. Redivivus is Dictionary.com's Word of the Day. I learned today.

In older news, animal lovers - rejoice. United are almost certain to have successfully revived the Dodo from extinction.

Carlos Tevez's transfer saga probably also had some sort of new change, but no one cares anymore.

Internationals. Now there's another subject. Which is so long and tedious I don't want to write about it. Though I will leave you with a very strange comparison.

Is Diego Maradona the Argentine answer to Alan Shearer?

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Thursday, 4 June 2009

#0.2 - The Prototype

A.K.A. The Police Squad! before the Naked Gun Trilogy.

There are two things certain in life; death and a summer saga involving Cristiano Ronaldo and Real Madrid. "Fresh" news for all then as newly elected (the only runner) President of Real Madrid, Florentino Perez has declared his interest in signing little-known Portuguese winger Cristiano Ronaldo. Having apparently signed Kaka from Jesus, Perez will be hoping to add Ronaldo on top of his first signing, "Chief of Staff" Manuel Pellegrini.

Not to be outdone by Perez, insane "not into 18-year old girls" Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced that Ronaldo said he wanted to join Milan. Though surely, this is a transfer unlikely to happen for 15 years as Ronaldo is allowed Milan's average age. Still it's a nice comment to try and make Rossoneri supporters completely forget that they're probably going to sell their best player just after getting rid of their coach.

Elsewhere in Manchester, financial rejoicing as Manchester United sign a record £20m a year deal with AON. The logo itself is incredibly simple and will no doubt be saving money in shirt printing. The days of the practically 3-D Vodafone logo are a distance past.

In more laughable news F.C. Barcelona and Aged Care Milan are apparently interested in signing Nemanja Vidic. If Patrice Evra's estimation of the need for a bazooka to be able to sign Cristiano Ronaldo is correct. Surely we're on the brink of nucelar war?

More talk in the Carlos Tevez transfer saga. Which is surely now football's longest running soap opera. I can only assume that [club] have confirmed interesting in Tevez. Where as Kia Joorabchian has confirmed interest in money.

Strange opinions of Frank Ribery continue to emerge as a possible successor to unknown Portuguese winger, Cristiano Ronaldo should he leave. Ribery who appears to join new clubs just for the thrill of it (or he's on the run from someone) would no doubt be a loyal servant to United. Really. Just ask, Boulogne, Ales, Brestois, Metz, Galatasaray, Marseille and Bayern Munich.

Still. On concrete news, Britain's Next Top Model Steve Bruce has given me reason to make another list as he joins Sunderland as manager. Making the list of former United players/staff associated with Sunderland in recent years become perhaps too obvious for the authorities. Really. Just ask, Roy Keane, Ricky Sbragia, Kieran Richardson, Phil Bardsley, Paul McShane, Dwight Yorke, Andy Cole, David Healy, Jonny Evans. Feel free to add your own.

Well. That'll end the Prototype of what could be an acceptable piece of blogging.

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#0.1 - Prologue

A.K.A. Only Available to IMDb Pro Users.

As a man with far too much time on his hands and unhealthy obsession for Manchester United and amusing himself I decided that this semi-entertaining new recap would be the answer for me, and my creativity.

Hopefully, unlike many other projects I decide to start this will actually be sucsessful or at least given more than a few weeks affection.

The aim then, is to review the weeks football news (especially Manchester United) in something far more colourful than constantly watching Sky Sports News on repeat for 7 hours.

So without further delay, it's time for me to try out a prototype.

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