Friday, 18 February 2011

Player Profile: Nemanja Vidic

Užice is a city in Serbia, a small sleepy city with little in the way of culture. You definitely would not associate Užice with building cyborgs of any nature - not even small furry mice cyborgs. Underneath Užice though, is a secret base in which Nemanja Vidic was not born - he was created. For legal reasons I can't say that the company which created Nemanja Vidic was called Skylab (but it definitely was - it is also where John O'Shea used to work, as a utilities man). They created many prototypes of Nemanja Vidic (prototype pictured) before they could finally settle on the finished machine. Nemanja Vidic has never been heard to say "I know now why you cry". Unless it's after he's just headbutted someone.

Easily killing John Connor, Sarah Connor and Des O'Connor (in a quicker time than you can say "What's Wrong With Your Eyes" and would make a brilliant, if extremely quick film) Nemanja Vidic decided that was not enough. Killing humans came far too naturally to him, he decided to try and not kill them - just to really hurt them an awful lot. Football seemed like the perfect place for this as American Footballs had protection, and Rugby players were just annoying humans anyway - he could decide to kill them at a later date.

After sending the Serbian SuperLiga into an immediate striker shortage, with all strikers injured simultaneously (including his own in training sessions), Vidic was taken away from Red Star Belgrade to Spartak Moscow by some stereotypical Russian Communist movie bad guys (they probably only referred to each other as "comrade"). In his time in Russia, accidentally injuring people who spoke to on the phone he inspired all. It's not a coincidence that not long after the Serbian destroyer left Russia that Vladimir Putin took up Judo. Possibly meaning he would survive a fight with Nemanja Vidic for 0.4 seconds longer than than the usual man. Interesting the maximum time you can stay alive in a fight with Nemanja Vidic is 0.6708 seconds - a record achieved by a cyborg made with the genes of Bruce Lee who was coached by Fedor Emelianenko with the brutality of Genghis Khan. Oh, and the eyelashes of Chuck Norris -as he's a big girl's blouse.

Such a toll was sure to attract suitors, and Sir Alex Ferguson decided this was exactly what was needed Alan Shearer to retirement with his tail between his legs and it surely did. Still, Vidic (costing £7,000,000 in parts) needed to be tamed before he could make his debut (cautiously on his debut - he was positioned in midfield to keep his urge for blood down). So Sir Alex hired the smartest people (pictured) in the world try and reconfigure Vidic's programming to not only convince the striker to move to previously cyborg-free Manchester but also to stop injuring his own strikers constantly. Unlike Nemanja Vidic, the new programming on how he works is not perfect. He once confused Fernando Torres with John Connor - and every once in a while will injure his own teammates (hence Alan Smith's move away and subsequent poor form). Sometimes his wiring may go wrong, causing him to bleed before Manchester United's physio/technician Rob Swire is able to quickly solder him back to health.

Since then Nemanja has smashed all human and cyborg records at everything. Except the world record for most swearing which is still held by Wayne Rooney and after being scared by his own reflection in a hall of mirrors maze - until Rooney was then rescued by Nemanja.

Shortly before Nemanja Vidic ends the human population we (possibly at his order) will look back at his achievements and his influence over the world before and after his birth. Jesus, Vidic's favourite disciple. Predator a film based on a slow-witted version of Nemanja Vidic. The Road, a book by Cormac McCarthy about a man and his son who survive the Vidicocalypse. This of course, is impossible. Once the Vidicocalypse comes only Vidic will survive. If you're lucky, you may hear him say "come with me if you want to live".

Next time in The Life and Times... Paul Scholes.

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

#53 - Bitter

A derby day win over Manchester City is a great moment for every Manchester United fan. Indeed, there have been some excellent wins over the years but perhaps the more recent wins have been even more satisfying. With every media outlet hyping every next Manchester derby as "the biggest yet" - until eventually it forms a mass so big it implodes under its own gravity causing a black hole that destroys the world. Wayne Rooney's wondergoal was awesome, there's very little other descriptive words for it. The way he had to take a little jump-step backwards from the way he was running before leaping up to smash it past the stranded Joe Hart.

Perhaps, more spectacular for those who watched on Sky Sports, was Mike Summerbee (pictured). Mike Summerbee decided not to let people forget he was a Manchester City fan, wearing a Manchester City blazer, tie and presumably Manchester City naughty underwear underneath too. For the very few who have not since some of the most blinkered analysis ever on TV, until my first appearance on Sky Sports (in which upon a United defeat, I put a bucket on my head and start hitting it with with my own fist) - can
watch it here. Mike Summerbee, was even able to make Jamie Redknapp look like Stephen Fry. In a way, it's brilliant - and when City next lose a derby game, it'll be nice to have him there. Now, if only we could have got Gary Neville on there too.

Chris Smalling deserves credit - there have been times, like with all young defenders - where he has looked a bit dodgy, but his performance against Manchester City in which he he made Carlos Tevez appear invisible was absolutely brilliant. If he can carry on to grow and mature then we may just have found our Rio Ferdinand replacement. Nani too, had another great day, scoring the first (a great goal that will be overshadowed) as well as the assist for Rooney's goal.

Antonio Valencia has returned to training (with the Reserves for the moment) after his horror injury against Rangers early on in the season. Hopefully, with the brilliant form of Nani on the right wing, we are able to find a mirror image of Valencia so that he can play on the left side.

Bad news though is that ladies' favourite Ji-Sung Park will be out for 4 weeks. Oddly, this news has only today been picked up by the media, but was floating around on Twitter for a good few days before.

Next up for United this time is the mighty Crawley Town. Usually the underdog is a favourite for the neutrals but not so with Crawley Town. Being dubbed the "Manchester City" of anything is a bad thing, especially when it's the "Manchester City of the Non-League". They spent more money than all of the League 2 teams combined in summer. In fact, read more on it here. To add to that, they have since then become even more like Manchester City in the sense of also having awful human beings for fans.

What was that? You want to see Rooney's goal AGAIN? Oh, go on then.

Also, there will be a new series of posts on here starting this week, the first will be: The Life and Times of Nemanja Vidic.

This blog has been brought to you by;
  • Hahahah, Mike Summerbee.
  • Hoping to absolutely trash Crawley Town.
  • Looking forward to the Napoli vs. Villarreal match on Thursday.