Rossobianchi

#56 - 19

2011-05-15T04:23:00.000-07:00

Rossibianchi is back. Until I forget again. It feels like 19 months since I last posted.

It's a pretty great time to get back to posting on here, what with United fans delightfully mixed up in more numerology than The Number 23 shown 13 times over, whilst speaking out

π to as many digits as possible.

Of course, it's understandable, it's an amazing achievement. Sir Alex has guided a not-so-great team (a good team, though) to pretty much win the Premier League going at whatever pace seemed right to them.

Of course it would be harsh not to give City their due this season. They won the League Cup back in February after they beat Arsenal.

Wayne Rooney's "controversial" penalty, which was only ever "controversial" in the sense that Paul Robinson's foul was "controversially" stupid, was enough for United to equalise and win the league with a point at Ewood Park. Even better since last season United essentially lost the league with a point in Blackburn.

The match was dull, but a thrilling 4-4 draw would have been too much for many too take, and a 1-1 draw was pretty much what many have predicted had the match happened in Serie A.

So next up for United is a test for who Sir Alex likes more, Ian Holloway or some of the other relegation threatened managers. The game, which is now a total dead rubber for United, will mean the likes of Fletcher and Rafael get a run out to recover their fitness and possibly some debuts to some of the Reserve players. Rossobianchi would nominate Davide Petrucci, but apparently Sir Alex Ferguson does not pick teams via nominations by blogs.

Then, after that is the replay of the 2009 Champions League final against Barcelona. Which will hopefully be the complete opposite to that in every way possible.

Now I apologise to those who were probably refreshing this blog every 30 seconds since last month waiting for a new post, but I was busy writing "real" stuff. Hopefully, depending on what time you're reading this, there will be a completely new layout and possibly some extra stuff. Unless I forget to.

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Plain old laziness.
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Wayne Rooney's chest hair.

#55 - Swear

2011-04-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

It was a potentially decisive weekend in the title race, with Arsenal and Chelsea both drawing in their games United went from 2-0 down at half time to go on and win 2-4. It was almost reminiscent of games gone by in the title race that seemed pivotal, our 2-4 win away to Everton after being 0-2 down, or our 4-1 win at home to Blackburn Rovers after being 0-1 down. Games like this are huge and the team deserves praise for a much improved performance and a brilliant hatrick from Wayne Rooney (pictured). This though was apparently overshadowed in some more moronic areas of the football press by Wayne Rooney (who apologised), dropping a naughty word down a camera.

Those offended buy the word "fuck" being shouted down a camera by a sweaty scouse millionaire could do with some perspective. What do you want from your football, really? These are the same people asking "why aren't these players passionate anymore?" Or is that too passionate for you? Did you want him to shout "JOLLY GOOD GAME I'M HAVING, MUCH IMPROVED OVER MY PREVIOUS PERFORMANCES AND THE RESULT TOO IS HUGELY BENEFICIAL FOR OUR HOPES OF A CHAMPIONSHIP". It must be too hard for some of the journalists who are hell bent on the character assassination of Wayne Rooney to try and NOT make mountains out molehills. Any old molehill will do. Consider too, that Wayne Rooney will be the victim of abuse from West Ham United fans, and all other away fans all season long, yet he's not allowed to vent his frustration? Perhaps Puritan football is better than pure football now. Patrick Collins (who incidentally must have never sworn out of anger before) of the surprise, surprise Daily Mail was especially outraged by such bad, naughty behaviour. Well how about this, Patrick Collins? You're a cunt.

Let's move on before I end up like Stressed Eric. This blog has been very inactive lately due to the International Bre....zzzzzzzzz. Internationa....zzzzzz.... Inter...zzzzz. It's hard to even mention without your body telling you it's time for hibernation. Hibernation though will not be on the cards this month with 6 more games left this month, including 2 Champions League Quarter-Finals and the FA Cup Semi-Final derby game against Manchester City. It's going to be either brilliant or depressing with not much leeway between the two.

It's Chelsea in the Champions League Quarter-Final this wednesday and it's not going to be refereed by Martin Atkinson so we're definitely in with a chance for a win. Edwin Van Der Sar should be back too, after being left out as a precaution in the game against West "Aaam".

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#54 - Twins

2011-03-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

When many people saw the centre midfield pairing of the Makelele-esque John O'Shea, and "the Irish Xavi" Darron Gibson we all of course knew they would dominate and easily keep 100% possession, if not 150%. The Da Silvas (pictured) playing on the wing should not have been so surprising to some, indeed they have both played positions further forward previously. The centre-midfield pairing was ballsy though from Fergie. A decision like is either a sign of genius or senility. Genius it was then as United went on to twin 2-0, with the second-half replacing the goalscoring Fabio da Silva with the long awaited return of Antonio Valencia - who played a big part in the build up of Rooney's goal.

Perhaps Man of the Match was Edwin Van Der Sar, 56, who made a string of great saves to deny Arsenal from getting back into it. Perhaps Van Der Sar should wait until his son, Joe Van Der Sar, graduates through the United Academy into the first team. Surely now, at about 12 years old he must be about 6"3' due to his brilliant genes.

Perhaps the most amusing story to come out of that FA Cup Quarterfinal is Paul Scholes - who had a cameo of brilliant passes and brilliant "untackles". Which is the new politically correct way of describing Paul Scholes' classic fouls. His 10 yellow cards in domestic competitions before the cut-off date meant he will be suspended and perhaps most harshly.. fined £15. The £15 is a result of the fact that the rule is enforced at all levels of competition. Although your blogger here will volunteer (and be honoured) to pay Paul Scholes' fine for him - if you'll lend me a tenner.

To make things even more interesting the FA Cup Draw has put us together with Manchester City after they beat Reading 1-0, about 2 minutes before that post was published. This meaning 4 teams (3 from Greater Manchester) from the North West have to travel to the South East to watch them play each other, which is quite frankly ridiculous.

As you see, this blog hasn't been updated for a while. Is it on the back of defeats to Chelsea and Liverpool that I am in fact a sore loser? Yes, this is true, but also I'm chronically lazy.

And besides, out defeat to Liverpool has sort-of been avenged. This morning our U18s went to Arsenal and did what our senior side could not, when they were 2-0 down they got back into it. Eventually winning 3-2 with an excellent performance from lets-hope-he-doesn't-get-arrested Ravel Morrison. The game featured 4 players sent off - in what will be remembered as a fairly unheated match by the derby's standards. Paul Pogba got his 2nd yellow for the incredibly cheeky Neymar-style penalty feint after the energetic Tunnicliffe was fouled in the box - in a clear goalscoring position.

There were probably some transfer rumours recently but we all know that we're skint.

Next up then is the 2nd leg in the Champions League against Olympique de Marseille after a bore draw in France last time round.

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Player Profile: Nemanja Vidic

2011-02-18T06:47:00.000-08:00

Užice is a city in Serbia, a small sleepy city with little in the way of culture. You definitely would not associate Užice with building cyborgs of any nature - not even small furry mice cyborgs. Underneath Užice though, is a secret base in which Nemanja Vidic was not born - he was created. For legal reasons I can't say that the company which created Nemanja Vidic was called Skylab (but it definitely was - it is also where John O'Shea used to work, as a utilities man). They created many prototypes of Nemanja Vidic (prototype pictured) before they could finally settle on the finished machine. Nemanja Vidic has never been heard to say "I know now why you cry". Unless it's after he's just headbutted someone.

Easily killing John Connor, Sarah Connor and Des O'Connor (in a quicker time than you can say "What's Wrong With Your Eyes" and would make a brilliant, if extremely quick film) Nemanja Vidic decided that was not enough. Killing humans came far too naturally to him, he decided to try and not kill them - just to really hurt them an awful lot. Football seemed like the perfect place for this as American Footballs had protection, and Rugby players were just annoying humans anyway - he could decide to kill them at a later date.

After sending the Serbian SuperLiga into an immediate striker shortage, with all strikers injured simultaneously (including his own in training sessions), Vidic was taken away from Red Star Belgrade to Spartak Moscow by some stereotypical Russian Communist movie bad guys (they probably only referred to each other as "comrade"). In his time in Russia, accidentally injuring people who spoke to on the phone he inspired all. It's not a coincidence that not long after the Serbian destroyer left Russia that Vladimir Putin took up Judo. Possibly meaning he would survive a fight with Nemanja Vidic for 0.4 seconds longer than than the usual man. Interesting the maximum time you can stay alive in a fight with Nemanja Vidic is 0.6708 seconds - a record achieved by a cyborg made with the genes of Bruce Lee who was coached by Fedor Emelianenko with the brutality of Genghis Khan. Oh, and the eyelashes of Chuck Norris -as he's a big girl's blouse.

Such a toll was sure to attract suitors, and Sir Alex Ferguson decided this was exactly what was needed Alan Shearer to retirement with his tail between his legs and it surely did. Still, Vidic (costing £7,000,000 in parts) needed to be tamed before he could make his debut (cautiously on his debut - he was positioned in midfield to keep his urge for blood down). So Sir Alex hired the smartest people (pictured) in the world try and reconfigure Vidic's programming to not only convince the striker to move to previously cyborg-free Manchester but also to stop injuring his own strikers constantly. Unlike Nemanja Vidic, the new programming on how he works is not perfect. He once confused Fernando Torres with John Connor - and every once in a while will injure his own teammates (hence Alan Smith's move away and subsequent poor form). Sometimes his wiring may go wrong, causing him to bleed before Manchester United's physio/technician Rob Swire is able to quickly solder him back to health.

Since then Nemanja has smashed all human and cyborg records at everything. Except the world record for most swearing which is still held by Wayne Rooney and after being scared by his own reflection in a hall of mirrors maze - until Rooney was then rescued by Nemanja.

Shortly before Nemanja Vidic ends the human population we (possibly at his order) will look back at his achievements and his influence over the world before and after his birth. Jesus, Vidic's favourite disciple. Predator a film based on a slow-witted version of Nemanja Vidic. The Road, a book by Cormac McCarthy about a man and his son who survive the Vidicocalypse. This of course, is impossible. Once the Vidicocalypse comes only Vidic will survive. If you're lucky, you may hear him say "come with me if you want to live".

Next time in The Life and Times... Paul Scholes.

#53 - Bitter

2011-02-15T03:46:00.000-08:00

A derby day win over Manchester City is a great moment for every Manchester United fan. Indeed, there have been some excellent wins over the years but perhaps the more recent wins have been even more satisfying. With every media outlet hyping every next Manchester derby as "the biggest yet" - until eventually it forms a mass so big it implodes under its own gravity causing a black hole that destroys the world. Wayne Rooney's wondergoal was awesome, there's very little other descriptive words for it. The way he had to take a little jump-step backwards from the way he was running before leaping up to smash it past the stranded Joe Hart.

Perhaps, more spectacular for those who watched on Sky Sports, was Mike Summerbee (pictured). Mike Summerbee decided not to let people forget he was a Manchester City fan, wearing a Manchester City blazer, tie and presumably Manchester City naughty underwear underneath too. For the very few who have not since some of the most blinkered analysis ever on TV, until my first appearance on Sky Sports (in which upon a United defeat, I put a bucket on my head and start hitting it with with my own fist) - can watch it here. Mike Summerbee, was even able to make Jamie Redknapp look like Stephen Fry. In a way, it's brilliant - and when City next lose a derby game, it'll be nice to have him there. Now, if only we could have got Gary Neville on there too.

Chris Smalling deserves credit - there have been times, like with all young defenders - where he has looked a bit dodgy, but his performance against Manchester City in which he he made Carlos Tevez appear invisible was absolutely brilliant. If he can carry on to grow and mature then we may just have found our Rio Ferdinand replacement. Nani too, had another great day, scoring the first (a great goal that will be overshadowed) as well as the assist for Rooney's goal.

Antonio Valencia has returned to training (with the Reserves for the moment) after his horror injury against Rangers early on in the season. Hopefully, with the brilliant form of Nani on the right wing, we are able to find a mirror image of Valencia so that he can play on the left side.

Bad news though is that ladies' favourite Ji-Sung Park will be out for 4 weeks. Oddly, this news has only today been picked up by the media, but was floating around on Twitter for a good few days before.

Next up for United this time is the mighty Crawley Town. Usually the underdog is a favourite for the neutrals but not so with Crawley Town. Being dubbed the "Manchester City" of anything is a bad thing, especially when it's the "Manchester City of the Non-League". They spent more money than all of the League 2 teams combined in summer. In fact, read more on it here. To add to that, they have since then become even more like Manchester City in the sense of also having awful human beings for fans.

What was that? You want to see Rooney's goal AGAIN? Oh, go on then.

Also, there will be a new series of posts on here starting this week, the first will be: The Life and Times of Nemanja Vidic.

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Looking forward to the Napoli vs. Villarreal match on Thursday.

#52 - Drama

2011-01-26T03:32:00.000-08:00

After a first half of football that could have resulted in another blog like I posted in January 2010, United cunningly waited, like Homer Simpson boxing (pictured), for Blackpool to wear themselves out after going 2 goals ahead as well as squandering other chances to make a bigger margin. Blackpool even had a penalty denied by the referee before perhaps tiring themselves out.

Craig Cathcart, ex-United reserves captain, who for some reason never got a game and was sold for apparently 28x cheaper then Charlie Adam's corners (of which he scored from). MC GM DJ Campbell got the second after a clever flick-on (similar to O'Shea's assist for Berbatov's first goal against Birmingham) by the disappointing Darron Gibson.

Sir "Evergreen" Ryan Giggs - in a brilliant advert for his new fitness DVD - came on for Gibson for the second half, adding more to United's play. More than the very little of Gibson at least. It's harsh on Gibson, and I rarely like to get on a United player's back (except maybe when we had Kieran Richardson) but this surely has to be his last season to impress. Hernandez came on later for the below-par Wayne Rooney and not long after the goals for United began to flow. 71 minutes gone as Berbatov pounced on Fletcher's cross. Just 3 minutes later and Chicharito scored after an excellent bit of control from Ryan Giggs, who then put in the through-ball for Hernandez to score from. And in the 88th minute, Scholes ball to Berbatov, who stayed calm to smash it home. Not before 10 minutes of extra time, which many ABUs might refer to as "Fergie time" had United not already been winning at that point.

Rafael da Silva's serious looking injury, followed by extra sad close up camera shots of Fabio da Silva - isn't too bad. The brilliant youngster may only miss Saturday's FA Cup match against Southampton which he probably would have been rested for anyway.

It was important for United to get rid of one of the games in hand we've been so complacent about since the league table started looking so good after Chelsea's large blip. Putting us 10 points clear of Chelsea (although yet to play them, twice), 6 points ahead of Manchester City (with a game in hand) and 5 points clear over Arsenal. It's looking good already, but there's still a long way to go. Oh, and if you'd like to know, we're 22 points clear of Liverpool.

Danny Drinkwater has been recalled from Cardiff City. The United staff are apparently big on the young lad's talents, and loaned him to Cardiff to relinquish his thirst for first team football but he's only managed 12 appearances for the Welsh club.

In spite of United not going to sign anyone, we're still linked with dozens of players of the transfer window. Luc Castaignos from Feyenoord, and Romelu Lukaku (here by now always referred to as "Lulu"). In a slightly more surreal take, United (and other clubs) have been linked with two players from Galatico club Dulwich Hamlet. According to Sky Honestly-We're-Not-Sexist-Look-At-Our-Pretty-Female-Presenters Sports, Quade Taylor and Paul McCallum are both under the microscope for Dulwich's blockbuster game against that scummy lot over at Romford FC.Interestingly, the game will be played in the Isthmian League Cup, which is also the Championship Manager Cup. Meaning players who lift the trophy may well get a free copy of the game, which they can then sell in exchange for Football Manager instead.

So until the game against Southampton on Saturday let's turn our attention to Andy Gray and Richard Keys and laugh. We should laugh a lot. Although, in the mists of all of this, especially with Richard Keys' using the phrase "Smash It" many have forgotten just what Jamie Redknapp once said about Cristiano Ronaldo.

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Other Stuff II

2011-01-21T05:28:00.000-08:00

I'm always trying to write more, so I did. Here's my bit of United's season up until right this very second I posted it.

Manchester United: The (Possible) Season of Being Average, Yet Invincible for The Oval Log.

As always. READ IT! If you want me to write things because I can, then tell me.

The Oval Log is well worth checking out too.

#51 - Easy

2011-01-13T06:30:00.000-08:00

So, the United vs. Liverpool rivalry rolls on, except last weekend it came and went fairly unspectacularly. Once again, a team pretty much sort-of let us win without us really having to get out of first gear, or even neutral. We pretty much didn't even get in the car, but just search the directions then decided to call a taxi instead. Still, Liverpool (pictured) made it even easier then most teams this season by conceding a penalty and then getting their captain sent off before whining and going home to bounce back to a, er, 2-1 defeat away to Blackpool.

Was it a penalty? Probably, yes. Well, by the law, yes. For some reason in England there's a culture of what many commentators say "could have got away with it [a yellow]". Yes Agger and Gerrard could have both gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pesky rules! Agger did make contact with Dimitar Berbatov, and did not win the ball. Penalty. Doesn't matter if Berbatov was too lazy to stay on his feet and maybe possibly score/assist anyway. It's how the game is.

Gerrard's was a certain red though. Jim Beglin's not-at-all-bias "I feel a yellow should have sufficed" after ITV had already screened a few replays, which I assume he did not see. In fact, many replays later he moved slightly up the scale to "he has a case there, the referee". Yes, Jim. His main case is that the tackle was textbook for a red card offence. Two feet lunge off the ground. Maybe if Michael Carrick's leg was shattered all over the pitch Jim may have been inclined to think it was warranting a red card. It's not the aftermath that should decide the punishment, it's what action is actually done.

Besides those nothing incidents, possibly given too much screen time for an otherwise average game - Liverpool looked a shadow not just of their former selves, but also of a shadow of many other teams as well. Not that I *enjoy* sticking the knife into Liverpool, I bloody love it.

So, besides the League Cup (which we're not even too arsed about when we win it) United remain unbeaten since the Chelsea game at the back end of last season. Not too shabby.

Goalkeeper's have been hogging pages of the internet lately, with Anders Lindegaard arriving and being on the bench against Liverpool, Tommy K trying to push to become the team's goalkeeper and Rene Adler telling the world his love for the club. They just never shut up those goalkeepers, do they?

Speaking of not shutting up, Sky Sports News is delighted when David Beckham does ANYTHING they can get their hands on. Giving no interest to Serie A or MLS as Sky never does, when Becks comes back to England they feast around him like a group of hungry ducks around a lovely thick pack Warburton's* bread delivered by an old lady who gets caught up in the feeding frenzy. Or something like that. So David Beckham, who always likes to say he would never play for another English club, may well be on the way to Spurs. Should we care? Not really. We should cheer him, but for the most part, as much was we love him, he's had his day. Which is a sad thing to say considering what a legend he was for us. Sometimes he even made the England national team likable, no mean feet indeed.

(((*Wikipedia (as of posting) has an amusing unsourced "fact" of Warburton's saying they won a Bread World Cup (better than the Rugby World Cup) against 32 other types of bread. Now firstly, that would be mean 33 teams (of bread?!) - which doesn't make sense in a knockout-round way. And secondly, who would bother? Although, thirdly, I can understand why it would have won.)))

The press, despite Fergie's statement that we probably won't sign anyone, are still linking us with... anyone. Southampton's brilliantly named Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (apparently not a 19th century philosopher, despite the name) is apparently on his way to a bigger club. Don't pretend you have insightful thoughts on whether he's good enough, you don't know yet! He has though, been described as the "next Theo Walcott" which is a lazy description in itself. I can't wait for the "next Jamie O'Hara"s or "next Gavin McCann"s to start crawling out of the woodwork in a few years time. The "next" tag should purely be used, used again, and used yet again for Diego Maradona. Isn't that right, Aimar? Messi? Tevez? Aguero? Saviola? D'Alessandro? And the many other players missed out.

Speaking of people not knowing if a player is good or not yet... Federico Macheda! The "hard bastard" as Fergie has once described him has gone away to Sampdoria on loan until the end of the season and managed an assist on his first substitute appearance for the club. Kiko Macheda is said by some United fans to be: no-way near United quality, because he's frankly not won any ballon d'ors yet and he's already 16 years too old for us anyway...... or by some United fans as: deserving another 5-10 seasons in the Reserves just to really see if he is ready or not to cut it. I exaggerate, but on the internet, you can't really tell anyway.

So what next for United? A game away to probably-David-Beckham-less-Spurs. Which will be a hugely tough game and perhaps a major turning (or unturning?) point in the title race. And it's a sunday so Sky Sports will be on the very best to hyperbole it as GAME OF THE FUCKING MILLENNIUM.

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#49 - Shrug / #50 Rossobianchi Awards 2010

2011-01-02T15:34:00.000-08:00

The snow in Manchester has finally melted. It's a fair amount warmer and no one fears instant death by slipping on ice anymore as they step out of the house. This isn't caused by global warming this time. No, thousands and thousands (millions?) of Manchester United fans (pictured) collectively shrugged their shoulders over the holiday season as they saw the club somehow hold a fantastic place in the league table. It's a bizarre situation that is making most people rewatch the league thus far to find out how exactly it's happened.

Or perhaps, on the run on to his 69th birthday and beyond, Sir Alex Ferguson has finally discovered that playing good football isn't actually necessary at all.

After a dodgy patch in Birmingham recently, culminating in an unlucky draw against Birmingham City and a lucky win against West Brom, United now stand top of the league, level on points with Manchester City, but with two games in hand over them as well as a superior goal difference.

Gary Neville too, ever the apprentice, shows that you no longer need to be able to play football to play football. It's genius, really.

But the fad of not needing to play football should come in handy actually, as our next game is against Stoke City Rugby League Club.

Moving on. It's a new year. Which means wasted breath and thought on New Year's Resolutions and pointless transfer speculation for an entire month, with United doing no major purchases in January since 2006. Now, as I do my best to put tabloid papers out of business I can tell you this from my "sources". No Ronaldinho, no Kaka, no David Beckham. No anybody! Except possibly a current nobody, who might, or might not, be a somebody in 2-3 years.

In fact, more likely is the excellently named Magnus Wolff Eikrem on his way back to Norway, striaght into the arms of the ever-lovely Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. Without ever being able to make an impact at the club, except when sitting on the substitute bench a few times.

Federico Macheda too, one excelling on the subs bench could well be on the way out on loan to either Lazio, Parma, Fiorentina, Juventus, or whoever Darren Ferguson manages next.

A recent interesting quote from Sir Alex Ferguson regarding a mystery player's agent demand an entire block of flats for a condition of an incoming player. We can only assume this player in question wasn't Nemanja Vidic, as there is no block of flats in Manchester stretching from the ground to the moon.

INTERMISSION.

Hurry up and win the Asian Cup, Ji!

PART TWO.

So, everyone, put on your penguin suits, it's time for the Rossobianchi Awards 2010 (prize pictured). Last year, only one award was given out, but this time I'm going with two. Simply because all it takes for me to do them is to write and think a little bit. Not even that much.

Rossobianchi Player of the Year 2010:
Originally the award was to be given to Dimitar Berbatov, for going from flop and classy bastard to simply classy bastard. The Berb has had a great 2010, especially the beginning of this season, ending this current year top goalscorer in the Premier League, and in our hearts, probably. Unfortunately though, Dimitar Berbatov told us all not to vote for him anymore. Well, actually he only meant in Bulgaria, but I rounded up to include the world. Berbasex is too classy for awards anyway.

So instead the award goes to another player who has stepped up in 2010, massively so too, Nani. The owner of the best statue ever is no doubt delighted with his award and would like to thank god, or whoever else. Maybe his agent. Definitely his teammates and manager. And without a doubt he'd like to thank me for giving him this award. Nani's assists in particular have been exception with 15 last season and 11 already so far this season.
Runner Up: Nemanja Vidic.
(2009 Winner - Patrice Evra)

Rossobianchi Obligatory Award for Patrice Evra 2010:

Winner: Patrice Evra.
Runner Up: Ji-Sung Park
Third Place: Rafael da Silva

So there it is! It was a glitzy night, and all the stars were out but the Rossobianchi awards still produced a homely atmosphere. So, here's 2011, where my waste of space resolution is to try and update this more.

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Enjoying Chelsea slip ups.
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#48 - Dances

2010-12-07T14:31:00.000-08:00

And once again United are back to drawing. After sort-of drawing against Blackpool (since neither team failed to play, no one is currently winning) due to Bloomfield Road (pictured) failing to cope with a small bit of awful weather and again tonight a 1-1 draw with Valencia at home. Although the draw it self is no big deal, with both teams already assured a place in the finals, it only meant we're going to be playing slightly less difficult teams.

Michael Carrick decided to test everyone's patience by essentially giving away the first goal, much like God tested Abraham. Except Michael Carrick is actually real.

It was up to Anderson, the man only slightly more likely than Ben Amos to score, to grab the goal. Anderson putting in a superb performance that we were used to in 2008 but then forgot happened again until now. Dimitar Berbatov proved to everyone he wasn't all about scoring 5 goals and was still brilliant at not scoring 5 goals too. Pure class, the lad.

In slightly more worrying news, Rio Ferdinand was substituted injured, although apparently a mere precaution with a MONDAYNIGHTFOOTBALL!! (as Sky like to call it) returning (did it ever really start to begin with?) as we take on Arsenal who are top of the table since Blackpool couldn't be bothered to use their money received from being promoted into building a pitch worthy of top flight football.

So after our game against Valencia, here are my ratings for the team, which they will take to heart no doubt. Possibly affecting their entire lives.

Ben Amos - 7 nervous goalkeepers out of 10

Rafael da Silva - 9 maybeitwasFabio?s out of 10

Rio Ferdinand - 7 tweets out of 10

Nemanja Vidic - 7 kills out of 10

Fabio da Silva 8 maybeitwasRafael?s out of 10

Nani - 6 unnecessary tricks out of 10

Anderson - 9.5 terrible-for-a-brazilian dance moves out of 10

Michaek Carrick - 6.1 groans out of 10

Ji-Sung Park - 7.6 million shirts sold out of 10 million

Dimitar Berbatov - 7 no need to bother scoring this chance out of 10

Wayne Rooney - 7 haveyouforgotyet?s out of 10

Substitutes:

Chris Smalling - 6 slightly worried gasps out of 10

Ryan Giggs - 6 just making this appearances record even more silly out of 10

I almost game Nemanja Vidic an 11 out of pure fear.

For those of you who missed out on the Jigsaw of Phil Townsend, Communications Director of Manchester United - which is now apparently sold out, christmas rush and all, on Amazing. There are other jigsaws you could buy for your friends and loved ones, how about PLC Chairman Roy Gardner, A Wilkinson Sword Advert from Over 10 Years Ago, Dietician Trevor Lee (Conveniently sat next to fruit), Ex-Academy Player Jamie Mullan or Finance Director Nick Humby

So, with our current Russian climate here in Manchester, so you think we can get a few games for the 2018 world cup?

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Other Stuff

2010-11-29T15:25:00.000-08:00

Just so you know, I've done a piece of on the Real Madrid yellow card fiasco (which is probably entirely overshadowed by tonight's clasico result).

You can read it here.

I may well do more for whoever if they want it.

I'm plugging!

#47 - Seven

2010-11-28T11:24:00.000-08:00

There was another draw this weekend for Manchester United, but it was in the FA Cup (pictured - I have no idea who that kid is, but he does look like the FA Cup - I posted an example of the FA Cup so I'm not just a guy who posts a photo of some random child). As United got a home draw to mid-table strugglers, Liverpool.

The most important news of the week in a weekend with less clean sheets then your bog-standard average brothel was of course that thanks to a 7-1 drubbing of future Internazionale or Real Madrid (or both) manager, Sam Allardyce's Blackburn Rovers.

Dimitar Berbatov got a record (for a foreign player) 5 goals, although knowing the eternal style and class of Dimitar Berbatov he probably only did it as a tribute to his favourite Beethoven symphony. Or perhaps Berbatov is just trying to get all his goals out of the way in one go so he can spend the rest of the season relaxing and eating caviar.

It also marked the first game in which Anderson became less obsessed with "Fuck fuck fuck" and back to playing the kind of football we all knew he was capable of.

United also this week completed the signing of Anders Lindegaard for an undisclosed fee. No doubt Anders' former club Aalesund will be hoping it's not undisclosed to them. The Denmark international may well be in charge of gaarding the United goal after Van Der Sars retirement, 6 years from now.

Understandably it's hard for most UK based media outlets to know anything about football in Denmark or Norway, where Aaesund are from, meaning BBC also struggled to come up with a good quote for 606 on their report of the signing. Opting to go with this user's quote "Personally a good signing, I watched one of his games, he is very good on his toes". The user admitting their to only seeing one of Lindegaard's matches. A full one more than many. Of course, as far as Sir Alex is concerned lately, watching players isn't that important. As in the case of Bebe.

The signing of Lindegaard though, of course adds to the possibility of Edwin Van Der Sar, the first ever goalkeeper in football, being likely to retire at the end of the season. A day that should be annually celebrated with recreations of the Anelka penalty save by all the world's citizens.

Oh. And here's your Christmas Gift, everyone. Enjoy.

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#46 - Draws

2010-11-15T15:29:00.000-08:00

More draws than an Ikea catalogue. More draws than Art Attack. More draws than a spaghetti western. More drawing then the end of Braveheart. More equality than Affirmative Action.

There's are all terrible jokes to impress your friends about the recent form of Manchester United. With more D's than an issue of playboy.

I will stop now. This isn't the jokes-not-even-James-Richardson-would-say blog. Although that would be a good blog.

United had come off the possibly dullest game of the season that doesn't involve Deportivo la Coruna against Manchester City in which they had been slightly the better side. The 3 men in the midfield easily matching up if not bettering City's more defensive-minded midfielders.

The momentum of this draw was carried on after being battered by a young Aston Villa side "hard bastard" Kiko Macheda and the obvious basis for Bryan Fury, Nemanja Vidic got two goals back to equalise and keep the good streak up. The term "Shit Invincibles" is being branded around, and it's not too far off. We've the most clear as day below par midfield out of the bigger teams and probably need to be playing the 4-5-1/4-3-3 for every game that's not against a bunch of peons.

The draw though, wasn't a disaster. Thanks to Steve Bruce, Kieran Richardson, Danny Welbeck, and probably a fair few other United and ex-United men's Sunderland. They romped to a 3-0 victory over an absent (though not literally) Chelsea side. Welbeck bagging the third and Zenden also making all white men sigh as the whitey-can't-dance cliche lives on forever more.

News now focuses on Wayne Rooney's probable return against Wigan Athletic. A return that will be greeted likely with cheers and jeers. It's entirely handly that those two words rhyme. Assuming he had a succesful stay in Nike Town. Which I assume is a lot like Adidas City or possibly Legoland.

News as well that the beloved Glazers have payed off the £220m PIK loan. I don't have any idea what this means so for better analysis.. read a newspaper or Andersred. I'll just shrug and agree with whatever everyone else says.

So now what to do? Well it's an International Break so it's best to do just go to sleep until Friday. Games so dull, it's absorbed all my energy. Night night.

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#45 - Resurrection

2010-11-07T12:44:00.000-08:00

Many may not know this but back in my day there was a strong brave player called Owen Hargreaves (pictured - old game covers a current theme). He had curly hair made of tungsten and breathed fire out of his mouth. He had 17 different accents which he used simultaneously, whilst still managing to sound a bit like Ryan Giggs. He was everyone's favourite England player, which made sense since he's a Canadian. And his Dad is from Bolton. Which means half of his body is made up of pasties. Probably his knees. And on the Saturday he was briefly resurrected.

Manchester United had come off a 3-2 away win to Rochdale. Wait? What? Nevermind.

Manchester United had come off a 3-0 away win to Bursaspor. Which is maybe Turkey's Rochdale. Obertan, Bebe, and *thick scottish accent* DARREN FLETCHAR! scoring the 3 goals in what was a relatively easy win and pretty much all but puts us through into the group stages.

Sam the Eagle's Wolverhampton Wanderers have been tricky opponents to ourselves in the Carling Cup as well as Chelsea earlier in the league and this game was no different.

Fortunately we have Ji-Sung Park, recipient of the 2010 Award for Most Slagged Off United Player Not Called John O'Shea or Darron Gibson or Despite Not Being at the Club Anymore, Mikael Silvestre. An award mostly won by Mikael Silvestre anyway. It was Park's late, late winner that gave us the 3 points so we could put our feet up and watch Chelsea play dire against Liverpool. Who were nice enough to do us the favour they should have done for us last season. Swines.

Of course all the talk of the match is the 5 minute cameo of Owen Hargreaves. In which not much really happened but his knees didn't implode on pitch as many had noticed. And unlike my earlier prediction his knees weren't transplanted with those of a gazelle. Still, I have a better made up rumour count then Goal.com.

It will no doubt strike many as odd that Hargo Embargo was thrown into the mix from the start without any reserve team football. It worked on Football Manager but probably not in real life, as we saw.

Bebe probably made the front page of the Daily Mail.. I mean Daily Heil.. no wait, Daily Mail. No actually, it is definitely called the Daily Heil, isn't it? That makes the most sense. Anyway as Bebe failed to score 9 goals in one of his first Premier League start we're all 100% sure he is a waste of money and we should throw him on the street so he can get beg me for money whilst I queue outside for a gig at Manchester Academy and have to remain very still in fear of him hearing the mass amount of change in my pockets jingle as I tell him "No, I don't have any money". In all due fairness, I'm not often at Academy.

Now we can all look forward to Wednesday's match against Bitter City. Who despite being able to beat West Brom aren't looking like whatever hyper bole Gary Cook gave them whenever. You know what I mean. He says lots of stupid stuff. Mario Balotelli could be out after his straight red, but probably not. That's how much sense the FA make.

Still seeing Tevez score before a Darren Fletcher brace, another Tevez goal and then a Chicharito winner should be fun for a wednesday evening in.

In genuinely great news, Antonio Valencia could be back as early as the end of February.

What's a Wayne Rooney?

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#44 - Saga

2010-10-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

So. How about that then, ey? For those who missed it here's the complete Wayne Rooney Saga by Leo Tolstoy.

19th August 2010

6:09: A party erupts on the streets of Sao Paolo.

9:15: Sir Alex, set to hand Manchester United legend, Rodrigo Possebon an incredible £250,000 a week contract for ten years is dismayed after discovering the world's greatest player has been transferred behind his back to Santos.

9:27: Sir Alex breaks world record for consistent swearing after finding out that Rodrigo Possebon was not sold for the £190m valuation.

11:23: Word breaks out amongst the rest of the players as the news of Possebon's departure sweeps the globe. Obertan though, seems remarkably controlled in his emotions, although is heard singing a very similar version of the Possebon song to himself.. possibly the Nicky Butt version.

11:49: Patrice Evra does something legendary.

13:36: Gary Neville is seen having a long talk with Wayne Rooney.

15:30: Paul Scholes picks up his kids from school. Tells them his day was "alright really".

18:00: Paul Scholes watches The Weakest Link. Sir Alex remembers that Possebon again and starts swearing.

20:09: Sir Alex calms down once more.

21st August 2010

12:32: Wayne Rooney meets up with his agent. Claims to be escorted by his "cousin".

22nd August 2010

10:09: Wayne Rooney misses the game against Fulham with an alleged stomach bug.

23rd August 2010

14:09: Wayne Rooney and Paul Stretford meet up with David Gill, Sir Alex Ferguson. Oliver Gill and Darren Ferguson also attend due to Old Trafford's bi-annual 'Bring Your Son to Work Day'.

14:13: Oliver Gill makes a faux pas. Is sent home.

16:33: Both parties leave the meeting unhappy. David Gill smacks Oliver Gill round the back of his head and sends him to bed early.

21:00: Paul Scholes goes to sleep. Accidently fouls his wife.

23:23: Gary Neville rings Wayne Rooney

26th August 2010

16:29: Owen Hargreaves rings me up telling me to stop stalking him. I breathe heavily into my phone for some time. Owen Hargreaves hangs up.

27th August 2010

9:05: I am sent a restraining order to stay 100 miles of away from Owen Hargreaves. I fake my death.

5th September 2010

19:07: Reports of Wayne Rooney sleeping with prostitute open to the press. Anderson considers this a slow-news day.

19:09: Anderson contacts his 3rd prostitute of the day.

16 September 2010

9:46: Patrice Evra does something legendary.

19th September 2010

12:30: Nani is sick of puns on his name. Especially when Wayne Rooney and grandmas are mentioned.

12:30: Paul Scholes watched The Weakest Link. Realises his watch has lost time.

17th October 2010

21:19: Gary Neville is seen laughing like a maniac for no reason. No one disturbs him.

18th October 2010

19:03: First rumours of Wayne Rooney's departure circulate.

19th October 2010

15:06: Sir Alex explains Wayne Rooney is leaving Manchester United. All hell freezes over. Cats making love to dogs. Priests not molesting children. Time moving in a zigzag motion.

15:29: Scientists at CERN manage to correct the path of Spacetime and return it to normal. Mainly thanks to Brian Cox and his handsome Manc face.

16:30: No one is able to get any comment out of Gary Neville. Phil say's he has some comments to make, only Keith Gillespe will hear them, and not for free.

20th October

17:44: Wayne Rooney makes his own statement. The lack of "erm..." in said statement leads everyone to believe it was in fact written by his agent.

21st October

11:40: Gary Neville tells team-mates that it's in fact a club gathering vacation today. Hands out clothing, forces players to get on bus. Oliver Gill is still grounded and can't go.

21:50: 40 (out of a possible 42) balacava-clans make death threat outside Rooney home. Everyone is thankful that Gary... erm.. Fan #2 didn't do the spelling and Jonny Ev... Fan #23 knew well that You're means You Are. Not Your as Fan #2 thought.

22nd October 2010

12:49: Wayne Rooney signs 5 year contract.

12:50: Gary Neville is proud of himself.

1st January 2011

00:01: Rodrigo Possebon returns to Manchester United for £215m. Oliver Gill is loaned to his mother's house for the month.

28th May 2011

21:49: Rodrigo Possebon scores 6 in 6-0 win over Real Madrid in Champions League final to cap an incredible 17th trophies. Including La Liga and several X-Games wins.

3rd August 2016

07:00: Manchester United manager Gary Neville releases his memoir in which he reveals how he orchestrated the entire Wayne Rooney saga to convince the Glazers to resign Rodrigo Possebon. Although in his book he refuses to reveal why Oliver Gill is so secretly disliked by his dad.

Monumental.

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#43 - Invincibles

2010-10-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

Once again, not a single team in the universe can defeat Manchester United this season. Some have tried, but none have yet succeeded. Maybe fellow Invincibles QPR could come close, but it would almost certainly be a draw after a United 2-0 or 3-0 lead and numerous defensive errors.

Although the West Brom match result is on the back burner as..

WAYNE ROONEY TO LEAVE OLD TRAFFORD AFTER TELLING FERGIE TO FUCK OFF AND PISSING ON HIS CAR WINDSCREEN. PROBABLY GOING TO SAME CLUBS WHO ARE LINKED TO EVERYONE.

Or at least that's the general gist of the numerous stories that are coming out, and will inevitably continue to be "exclusively broken" by whoever. With absolutely zero real information. My insider says Fergie still thinks Chris Eagles is at the club and tried to select him this weekend but assumed since he'd not seen him around anywhere lately, he must have be injured.

Still. Say that this story getting out isn't a nicely convenient way for Rooney and his agent to get whatever it was they demand in contract negotiations whilst David Gill shakes his head and tries to strike off as many zeros as possible.

And, if Wayne Rooney does indeed want to leave for City or Madrid.. or whoever. Will it be a bad thing? Rooney's been looking completely uninterested (like Ronaldo did, but Ronaldo continued to be brilliant) whilst Chicharito and Berbatov are looking very good maybe now is the time to cash-in. Then hopefully, finally, get a bloody midfielder. I'm free, and will play for free. I just have some... fitness issues. Oh, and chronic laziness. So I'm a bit like Riquelme then. (Note: Juan Roman Riquelme is actually a footballing genius)

So. Say Rooney leaves, who would replace him? Benzema? Rossi? Forlan? Cheapstrikerwe'venotheardofyet? You better believe it'll be him.

Anderson had to deny reports (which have been going on for a few years) that he was to leave to return to Porto. Anderson will no doubt be annoyed that Rooney has stolen his thunder.

At least when Own Goal is out of form he shuts up about it.

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#42 - Leeches

2010-10-08T05:58:00.000-07:00

After spending the last few days enjoying the misery of Liverpool it comes time once again to remember just how much shit we are in at the moment.

I tried as hard as possible to write a meaningful critique of the Glazers (pictured), but a) I'm terrible at reading or understanding finances and b) Many other blogs will do this much better. Either way, it makes for depressing reading. The £80,000,000 loss though could soon be wiped out with a winning EuroMillions ticket for tonight's draw giving us a £32,000,000 profit! Failing that, a bloody global uprising that would wipe-out any form of currency and replace it with a barter economy could well be positive for us.

Still upon first reading it's not as bad (although still very bad) as it could have been. A large chunk (£60m) of the loss was a one-off payment meaning next years' loss could just be £20m (or profit if we sell a good player). 'Cause that's how you run a good business.

The Green and Gold campaign has done very little, unfortunately. It's too small a minority in a huge world-wide fanbase. This is one of the few downsides of how big the club has become. MUST seems quite stagnant and the Red Knights are presumably AWOL. We the fans, need something new, and something with more impact.

On a much, much lighter and even more obvious note. Wayne Rooney is a chav. This common news known to all became even more shocking once read by the press, who forgot this was the case and were outraged that the young Roman, Kiko Macheda would say such a "vulgur" (see what I did?) insult to this countries fine young, Oxbridge-esque Wayne Rooney Esq.

There's slow news days and then there's no news days. From poor translation to missing the entire quote (Macheda describe himself as a coatto too) to no research (Totti is a self-described coatto and plays to it in the media) to obvious sensationalising in the media. Whoddafunkit?

Kiko of course, tried his best to clarify his comments today and probably did so - the Mail said today some reporters translated the word as 'vulgur' not mentioning themselves of course. I know, another Daily Mail dig, but c'mon, it's easy.

Edwin Van Der Sar who made his professional debut for Ajax before the coatto Macheda was even born has nish-nished any talk of him retiring. Forcing Tomasz Kuszczak to punch a wall.. and probably injure himself for the next game anyway.

Well. Now what to do? We've already wept about the Glazers, been annoyed by fans who wear new shirt/g&g scraft combo and wondered what other players are chavs. International football, that's what. I know, I know it's just not as fun but it will have to do.

Until post-Stoke City game on the 16th (another 3pm Saturday game?! Sky, are you awake?) unless some big news story (I heard from an insider that Owen Hargreaves knees are now so good that they've grown new knees underneath... which will need removing and he will be having surgery and should be back next year) happens that I can write about.. Peace, y'all.

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#41 - Back

2010-09-30T04:32:00.000-07:00

After a typically "european" or "continental" performance (english pundits speaking - not me) United scraped away from Valencia with weather-envy and 3 points thanks to Chicharito (pictured).

It hadn't been the best build up to the match though. Wayne Rooney - who now is the only thing people read about in tabloids, besides staring at boobs - came off from a "meh" (me speaking - probably no pundits) performance away to Bolton Wanderers of Horwich. Although with respect Bolton under Owen Coyle are a much improved side when compared with their previous incantation under Mr. Charisma himself, Gary Megson.

On top of that it seems Rooney's out for 3 weeks now. Or maybe he's not. Who really knows? Luckily we have 92 strikers to choose from. And if all else fails there's always John O'Shea, who for all we know, could be a top quality striker. His finishes in the past vs. Arsenal and vs. Liverpool away were brilliant anyway.

The away clean sheet though (our first since May 2nd away to Sunderland - a stat that sounds impressive [and surely you will hear it again on Sky - as that's who we're up against next] but we've only played 4 away games besides Valencia, and if you want to count it one neutral game - that's only 3 league away games. Some crisis.) is a huge boost now with the return of Rio Ferdinand... possibly for more than a week. Although Jonny Evans (or Jevans) did start to pick up against Liverpool (despite conceding a penalty) and Horwich Wanderers.

The Sunderland game though, dose give us a huge run of fixtures that are, not to say piss easy, as I think some games may be slightly easy going up until the home game against Spurs on the 30th October. Here's in an intersting stat for Martin Tyler which he won't use, the last time United played on the 30th October it was away to Portsmouth in a 2-0 defeat. That'd be part-time football manager, full-time wheeler dealer 'arry Hedknapp's Portsmouth too. Although a month after that he "farked" off to Southampton. Although to even that stat out in our favour, we did have Roy Carroll in goal.

In Reserve team news [name a player] joined [name a football league club] on a one month loan since for whatever reason, if there is one, the Reserves Leagues has no games for a month.

Looking back at my predictions in my last post, it seems the only one that may have come true is the Gazelle legs possibly (this is neither confirmed nor denied by Manchester United PLC nor FIFA) being transplanted to Owen Hargreaves, though I do find it suspicious that now Dr. Richard Steadman says now is the turning point for Hargo. Which is also handy as Gazelles have great turning points.

It also seems that The Onion with this great article has tapped into how my brain works whenever I read anything on the Glazers or the Clubs Finances.

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Not Dead

2010-09-02T01:09:00.000-07:00

Nope, I'm not dead, but my laptop is (my reaction pictured)! Next post will probably be in a couple of weeks time.

When I'll be talking about Bebe's 7 goals against Everton, Anderson's clever ploys to hide his dreadlocks from Sir Alex, Paul Scholes as he picks out 1 bad pass... but it ends up to Rooney anyway, and Owen Hargreaves' new knee transplant... for the knees of a gazelle as well as the sensational the FIFA controversy on animal limb transplants - including Paddy Kenny's new pig skin face.

So stay tuned for that. It sounds like there will be an interesting couple of weeks ahead.

#40 - Wind

2010-08-05T05:20:00.000-07:00

It was a homecoming for John O'Shea and Darron Gibson (full name: Darron Thomas Daniel Gibson Shoooooooot!). Except from all the other times they come home. The Airtricity League XI (team line up pictured) were unable to stop the United team with plenty of returns.

It was a bog standard friendly trashing if you don't count the fact the Park Ji-Sung scored a goal by closing down, Michael Owen didn't get injured - but in fact scored a goal - with a finish close to what we saw of Own Goal last season (where is he in pre-season?), and perhaps most extraordinary, the brilliant Antonio Valencia scored with his left foot. Well, in fact he didn't. Slowed down replays showed that in a split second Antonio Valencia surgically switching legs and moving his left on to his right and vice versa. Hernandez scored too, which puts him back into a +number after scoring against us brilliantly for Chivas a few days earlier.

So after a pre-season against mostly average-at-best opponents (Chivas Guadalajara, Copa Libertadores finalists this year, were our toughest opposition). The real test comes against Chelsea this weekend in the Wedon'tcare Community Shield. The outcome of which has no impact on anything. It's not even very useful as a shield.

Perhaps the thing to look forward to is the Newcastle United game on Monday 16th August. That's one day before my 22nd birthday. Not that I'm hinting anything but you can buy me stuff that's cool. Not that I'm hinting but I'd like an iPad, I wouldn't use it, but it'd be nice to say I have one.

On a side-note does anyone remember that last time United played in the Premier League on a monday? Prize to the winner. (Note: No actual prize)

In not-happening transfer news. United are still being linked with Mesut Ozil. So much so that I'm actually getting annoyed by the sound of Ozil's name right now. I'm pretty sure he's a myth.

Piotr Trochowski's agent has claimed that the 4ft10 Hamburg attacking midfielder is on United's radar. And whoever else will make Hamburg offer Trochowski get a bigger contract. Even though as a club, there is no money to go around.

The press are still showing they're brilliant at creating transfer rumours. Michael Owen's apparently going to Bristol City, alongside Trevor Sinclair, Danny Mills, Darius Vassell, and Nigel Martyn. Maybe Gareth Southgate if they're lucky.

Oh, and I don't care if Rooney smokes or pisses in the street. He's earnt it.

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#39 - All-Star

2010-07-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

So, a 5-2 to hurrah over the MLS "All-Stars" (pictured [pick out Landon Donovan]) has changed many fans "Will they make it?" bickering about the young fledglings around. An example if there ever needed to be one of the inconsistency that almost all young players suffer. Before the game, after the 2-1 defeat by Kansas City Wizards. Yes, that's their real name. Many fans went ape-shit crazy believing all the young starlets to be no good. Now of course, they're bloody brilliant. Until that is, they're no good again.

Still, perception is needed, and although Kiko Macheda opened with an excellent finish after 22 seconds(!) - pouncing on a loose pass before sliding under the goalkeeper. We do need to remind ourselves that this All-Star goalkeeper is Donovan Ricketts. The closest Donovan Ricketts gets to an all star is with a pair of Converse.

It was though, a good game for goals and youngsters. Although Darron Gibson isn't exactly young at 22. These days you need to have won the Goldenboot at 14 before you're considered a wonderkid. Gibson smashed in a excellent freekick on the 70 minute mark. Most-likely-out-on-loan-but-looking-good Tom Cleverely scored possibly the best of the goals, after catching on to Fletchers flicked pass, he himself flicked the ball over excellently named "all-star" defender Wiman Conde Jr. before smashing the ball home with his right foot. Yes, it was a clever finish. Then game Chicarito's turn when another Fletcher ball set him through one on one with the keeper and he kept his cool lobbing from distance.

Of course, this is still pre-season and we shouldn't be getting excited about anything but the performance was a huge improvement after the defeat to the Kansas City Wizards. The Wizards incidently considering a team rename. I suggest Kansas City City. Or Kansas No-Not-the-Band-of-the-Same-Name.

In some more Youth action, the U18s failed to win a third Milk Cup in a row. A third Cravendale Milk Cup is almost certainly rewarded by the Golden Udder and the chance to keep the Milk Cup in trophy cabinet until it gets all sour and smelly. I have no more to say besides United youngster Donald Love is my new favourite player, purely based on name. I assume he's a mixture of Donald Draper and Dude Love. Although this almost certainly not true.

The Reserves scraped a win over Oxford United. Argh, just go read the ever-excellent United Youth blog already. Even if the name "United Youth" sounds like some sort of ultra right-wing Christian summer camp.

In older news, it's still hilarious that Manchester City named their Reserve side the Elite Squad. The Elite Squad, who are in fact not the Elite Squad until they are the first team, have declared they are in no way affiliated with Blazin' Squad, Police Squad or the J.O.B. Squad.

In some sort of horrible desperation I tried to find an interesting transfer rumour involving United. There are none. Not even on Tribal Football! It gets bad when even people who make up transfer rumours refuse to do so because they know your club is skint.

In uninteresting transfer rumours, Anders Lindegaard has been linked with a switch to Old Trafford, and wherever else. Don't even think of looking at Wikipedia because you don't know who is, neither does anyone else outside of Denmark and Norway. Lindegaard has been dubbed the "new Peter Schmeichel" as I assume anyone in Demark is dubbed aslong as they catch something and most importantly are not already Peter Schmeichel.

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#38 - Return

2010-07-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

What the? What the god damn hell is this? A blog?

So what's happened since I last posted (pictured)? Well it would take a very long to go through it all, especially since I've already forgotten most of what has happened so I'll try anyway:

UnitedtrashedACMilan4-0athomeandallwerehappythengoodthingskepthappeninguntilwe
lostawaytoBayernMunichathometoChelsea(wronged)andwonBayernathomebutloston
goaldifference.Goaldifferenceisastupidruleanyway.Thingswerestilllookinggoodforthe
leaguethoughuntilwedrewawaytoBlackburn.Blackburnisastupidplaceanyway.Thenwe
wontherestofthegamestotheendoftheseasonbutendedupfinishingsecond.ThenIwas
boredforagesbecausetherewasnogoodfootball.BenFosterleftforBirminghamandZoran
TosicleftforCSKA.Sixpeopleweresurprised.JackShephardmanagedtosavethecastof
LOSTitwasquitesad.ThentheworldcupstartedandonceagainEnglandwererubbish.
JohnTerrycontinuedtomakeanidiotoutofhimselfandsomehowCapellogotblamedfor
havingshitplayers.WayneRooneyalsogotblamedbutthatwasprobablyaninjurything.
ThenallTVpunditstotallyforgotthatDiegoForlanhadwontheGoldenBoottwicesincehe
leftOldTraffordandweretotallybemudbythefacthewasbrilliant.ThenSpainwonthe
WorldCupbecausethey'rethebestinternationalteamI'veeverseen.Unitedthenputina
bidforSneidjerwhichwaspitifulbuthenallofasuddensuchabiddidnotevenhappen.Owen
Hargreavesgotinjuredandweallgotabittearyforawhile.Thenwewereboredforabitand
theUnitedfinallyplayedagaininafriendlymatchandbeatCelticlikealways.

And that's how it will always be remembered. Now back to the present day.

Mario Ballotelli is being constantly linked with a move to a club in Manchester. Whether it's ourselves or City is another thing entirely. Hopefully he'll go to City where he can continue his role as constant thorn in the side of squad harmony. He was stopped in Milan by police for showing a cap gun out his car window. He'll soon learn about what a gun is if he tries that in any of the rough areas (most of the areas) near Eastlands.

More rumours ahoy, of course, and the usual suspects continue.

In fact, here's a shortlist of players we have been linked with because people are bored, and who we will not sign because we have no money:

Mario Ballotelli, Wesley Sneidjer, Luis Fabiano*, Joe Cole (obviously), Angel di Maria (obviously), Joao Moutinho (obviously), Raul, Jack Rodwell, Steven Jovetic, Raul Meireles, David de Gea, Alexis Sanchez, Bruno Alves, Mesut Ozil, Philip Lahm, Thomas Muller, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Manuel Neuer, David Hasselhoff, Franz Beckenbauer, and Herr Deutchsland o Bratwurst und Deutsch verschiedenen Stereotypen.

*who started his own rumours then signed for Sevilla and was proud of himself for crushing the rumours.

Matty James has unsurprisingly gone on loan to Preston North End. Where absolutely every other United reserve will soon be heading on loan until Ole Gunnar is left managing some 8 year olds. Except Danny Welbeck who seems to be going on loan to Sunderland where he'll sit on a bench waiting for Bent or Jones to get injured.

Of course there's even more fun into be had in rumours of players leaving Old Trafford. Nemanja Vidic, who was going to leave in 2007 is still being linked with a move away. Unlike Ronaldo when we all knew it was his dream to move to Real Madrid. All anyone really knows about Vidic's so called "desire to leave" is that his wife might not like Manchester all that much. Not sure why - Manchester is brilliant, we've got... er... Old Trafford, and er... er... a Hard Rock Cafe, and er... er... that's not the point!

Sky Sports produced a major lack of pun fun when running Danny Drinkwater's quotes about wanting to prove himself at United and nowhere mentioning that he was "thirsty for success".

So that's my post done, and part of my public service over.

This blog has been brought you by;

5 months of reader anticipation.
Honey Loops
Lack of real football.

#37 - Bumper

2010-03-05T07:25:00.000-08:00

Dear readers (all 8 of you) I apologise for my laziness, but it's chronic. It's a disability really. Unfortunately people have little sympathy for it, espcially when it comes to giving out cash. So, with that out of the way, time to write. So, in optimistic fashion. Let's start with good news:

Owen Hargreaves (pictured) could be finally closer to to a return to reserves for his first game since 1984 for the Reserves against Mancester City Reserves. For those of you who don't remember Owen Hargreaves he was a catalyst in the 07-08 season as was capable of this. Also, he has the permission to shag many, many men's wives.

And the bad news, Michael Owen has been confirmed to be out for the rest of the season after his hamstring injury. He joins Anderson and John O'Shea who will also be missing over our most important period. Fortunately for Owen he's scored against City and in a League Cup final. Which is pretty good for a freebie who everyone expected to totally flop.

There's been some blame given to the pitch at Wembley stadium for the damage done to Mickey Owen. The pitch has declined to comment.

But, to go back to good news now and mess with your emotional stability. Kiko "Hard Bastard" Macheda could be back shortly too. The angular-faced italian will always be loved for this. With Welbeck out on loan and Owen out now, Macheda has only Diouf to compete with to get on the bench if Rooney and Berbatov are to start. This could will be the time for the little italian to show what he's made of.

So, how about last weekend then ey? Many people blame the Glazers for the ridiculous amount of debt but perhaps the price of silver polish and trophy cabinets are much more than we can imagine. As another League Cup is picked up and added to the list. For those who are counting, we are now 3 domestic trophies ahead of Liverpool and 39 ahead of Manchester City. That's a nice stat. You don't hear that on Match of the Day.

So. Is it time to start claiming that Wayne Rooney is the best striker in the world? Or has he been for some time?

For those interested in that kind of stuff, there was international football midweek. International friendlies even, to add to the tedium of it all. I can never get the spirit to talk about it. I do enjoy them and I do watch them, but like 90% of US sitcoms, my mind is entirely blank afterwards.

Nani has recommended Miguel Veloso for United sign. Unlike many other people who would recommend him, Nani has actually seen him play and didn't just sign him once on Football Manager. Sporting Clube de Portugal have been rather dire this season (despite their 3-0 wins over Porto and Everton recently) and now if anytime would be the best time to swoop for their players. Joao Moutinho is still excellent too. Then again, with Sporting recently becoming City's feeder club, would they be ok with selling players to us?

Oh, for those of you wanting to hear something about the Red Knights/MUST vs. Glazers confrontation. I couldn't tell you. I'm financially dyslexic. That's why I'm poor. This sadly has leg to the non-Sport members of the press to try and come up with football related puns to sound cool and hip with the normally uninterested football fans who will now be following. And embarassing like a Dad who tries to talk like Fresh Prince in front of his son's friends.

This blog was brought to you by;

Playing Heavy Rain.
Looking forward to Final Fantasy XIII.
Having no John Terry jokes to tell because everyone's already said them all.

Almost

2010-03-03T15:27:00.000-08:00

Super-mega-duper-awesom-o post, coming tomorrow. I just want to you all know that I am not dead.

#36 - Ginger

2010-02-17T04:56:00.000-08:00

Ronaldinho is a very skillful player. He's scored brilliant goals [1][2][etc], and for some time was the greatest player on the planet. He almost even signed for Manchester United, the lucky lucky man. Unforunately he didn't. Fortunately we still have Paul Scholes (pictured). Who performed the most convincing trick that would make anyone has ever witnessed. He convinced many that he was actually trying to score with his right foot. In fact he shaped up his left peg at the most perfect angle to slip it past Dida's right hand post to score the equaliser. It was a world class dummy. The world doesn't even know it.

Don't tell me anything different.

Of course, that wasn't the full story of the match. Ronaldinho himself opened the scoring after it took a fortunate deflection off Carrick (or if you heard Andy Gray without watching the replays, Jonny Evans - several times - he almost made it sound like Ronaldinho intended it. Ronaldinho is not Scholes). From that point on our defence was as shaky as some shaky things doing the shaky-shaky during some sort of earthquake. Jonny Evans clearly looked quite intimidated by the San Siro. The even more intimidated by Sir Alex after quite the ear bashing and with more mentions of the word "fuck" than almost any episode of the brilliant The Thick of It. Then, the Ginger Ninja pounced!

So it stayed until half-time, in which hair dryers were turned on. There were short blackouts reported throughout Milan. Then came the second half. Wayne Rooney has pretty much turned into the complete package of a striker this season. Improving on an already brilliant template. Antonio Valencia came on for Nani, who although he didn't shine as he has done recently, didn't really get enough chances to run at Giuseppe Favalli, 103. Valencia it was who only a few minutes after he came off the bench dinked in a beautiful cross for Wayne Rooney to head it looping over Dida. Dinked is a real word, possibly. Then it was "big-game" or as I prefer to say "any-game" Darren Fletcher who as well as continuing to be a formidable engine in the middle put in a lovely ball for Rooney's second. From then on, with us playing incredibly better the game seemed like a formality. Even the second leg. That was until late on when Clarence Seedorf, 158, scored with a cheeky flick - though not as cheeky as Scholes. Late on Carrick was sent off for a second yellow on the grounds of pure pedanticalness. It probably was a second yellow, but it was also unnecessary. 3-2 the final score. Which would have all wanted before the match, but afterwards, sort of feel a bit annoyed about now. Still. We're in the driving seat now, and we know how to beat them. The stigma of the San Siro has ended.

Of course, many people will be wondering what happened to our second striker, Own Goal. Who wasn't playing last night. Which is especially surprising given his excellent run of form. His equaliser against Aston Villa was his 10th of the season. Eat your heart out, Dimitar.

The Villa match, a sort-of preview but-not-really of the upcoming League Cup final should have been our path to first place after Louis Saha scored twice to sink Chelsea. Alas, possibly due to Nani's stupid sending off (although we continued to be the better side) it only finished as a draw. Chelsea though, are definitely there for the taking. Especially with Ashley "phone" Cole out until possibly the end of the season.

In bizarre transfer news Mark Davies, the relatively competent Bolton midfielder is apparently being tracked by United and Liverpool. Considering he's not even good enough for Liverpool this is probably baloney. I imagine an agent has been wink-winking the press in hope of his player (and from that himself) getting a better contract. Or maybe it's the fact that it's his birthday tomorrow.

This blog has been brought to you by;

Trying to do the "Scholes flick"/"Ninja dummy".
Thinking Moho is the best place for small gigs in Manchester.
Charlie Brooker's Newswipe.
Being surprised that "pedanticalness" is the adjective form of "pedantic".

#35 - O.G.

2010-02-09T03:52:00.000-08:00

Sir Alex has a wonderful eye for talent. None more so than this years latest signing Mr. O. Goal (pictured), we don't know much about this mysterious player other than his recent form is quite exceptional. After scoring the opener against Arsenal, O.G. went on to net a hat-trick against helpless Portsmouth. Portsmouth, who are managed by Baron Silas Greenback who, inspite of what his team may doing on the pitch, is not shy of scoring himself.

Mr. Goal has now scored more goals than any other player this season bar Wayne Rooney. Of course, the mysterious underground illumnati new world order group that is the Dubious Goals Panel may take some away from him. Some would claim that Michael Carrick's shot was going on target before it took a quite spectacular deflection. The Dubious Goal Committee (a.k.a. Dubious Goals Skull and Bones Society) is a cult full of bizarre and degrading initiation rituals. They dwell in a medieval room under a church and sit around a round table in candle light. They can't know each others identity in case they discuss goals with each other so they have to wear horse masks for all their meetings. Someone please tell Alex Jones. And wait patiently for Dan Brown's next book The Da Vinci Goal.

After that revelaing insight, I think they'll come after me now. And take my hard earned goals away. Well they would, if it wasn't for my professional record of 0 appearances and 0 goals. Which cuts me at a ratio of a goal of game, sort of.

So next up is our future League Cup final opponents, Aston Villa. Away at Villa Park is usually a guarenteed result but Aston Villa did beat us earlier this season at home. Unfortunately for them, this is our time of the season to steam roll as quickly as possible to the title. Judging by their negative performance against Tottenham Hotspur we may well see a recreation of the style of match we had against Portsmouth. Defence vs. Attack.

Then comes the big one in the San Siro, David Beckham's AC Milan. AC Milan have got over their bit of good form lately and are back to being their under performing selves. Though recently this may have been due to the abscene of Alessandro Nesta. Who I'm pretty sure has another good 30 years to go before he needs to retire.

Beck's though has been heaping praise on the club and the fans lately. He clearly wants us not to boo him. We won't, we still love you, David.

In our last piece of news-worthy news our kid Matty James has gone on loan to... no, you guess. Go on. Who do you think? Yep, you're right, the new Royal Antwerp - Preston North End. Sir Alex must really be close with their manager, eh?

So, Google Analytics is a very useful tool for seeing how people get to this blog. Usually it's through the excellent Repulik of Mancunia blog but sometimes strange google searches seem to pop us up as a result. Here's a few examples of what people have searched to get here: "edwin var sars favourite colour", "djemba djemba transfer rumours 2009", and the champion of all bizarre searches to get here - "kaka licking sucking michael owen his cock". Lovely stuff. What sort of weird internet porn is that? Go on, which one of you was it?

This blog has been brought to you by;

Wanting to watch Danger Mouse again.
The brilliant new Crime in Stereo album "I Was Going to Describe You to Someone."
Frosties.

#34 - Well

2010-02-01T05:01:00.000-08:00

According to reports on the 23rd January 2010 we signed Nani. Who's been excellent in his first 3 games for the club, and much more promising than our previous Nani who we must have sold or thrown in the skip. That is a bit harsh on Nani who in the past few years hasn't been able to get a run of games and only had a brilliant game for about every 1 in 7 or so.

The boy though, seems to have become a man. And whilst we should not get ahead of ourselves like many were on praising Obertan after a ridiculously short amount of time on the pitch the future does look bright for Nani as he plays on the right wing instead of his usual favoured left. This of course, means Antonio Valencia will need to have his right leg surgicially switched with his left to be in the first team.

Now then. Where to start? It would make sense to start at the beginning but maybe I want to do it like LOST and have flashbacks. Probably not right now.

On Nani's debut against Hull City, Manchester United after being robbed by Mike Dean who unsurprisingly is from Mersyside they bounced back. Most people who have been robbed report it to the police or go on Crimewatch, not us though, oh no! The surprise start of new signing Nani against Hull City was a huge breath of fresh air, and inevitably comparisons to Crisitano Ronaldo were made. We were rampant against Hull City - but then we were always going to be - we were playing Hull City. Wayne Rooney decided scoring 4 goals is good for a laugh.

Now then came the second leg against our former City rivals who have now been replaced with a toy for a super-billionaire. It's sort of like supporting someone who's cheating on Football Manger. Of course most City fans will clog their eyes and shout "la-la-la" whilst trying to cover up the "Stockport" part of their address and claiming to live exactly in the very centre of Manchester. United played the this-blogger-approved 4-5-1 system. Many people who don't watch any football outside of England assume that 4-4-2 is the only formation that exists. They also assume it is attacking. It is not. Formations are neutral. You can play 6-4-0 and still be an attacking team. Anyway. The atmosphere was excellent and the Green and Gold campaign was getting noticed. Which is helpful as it's a bright colour. The black coats campaign wouldn't be very visible.

Scholesy, Carrick and an injury time winner by Wayne Rooney put us through to yet another final. We may as well just have our own changing room in Wembley Stadium now. Some scruffy looking Argentine fella scored for City but that's entirely irrelevant. Spirits were high, as club in debt beat club with the classic "Bovine" cheat. In retaliation Manchester City will probably sign 17 new players by the transfer deadline in a few hours.

Then came a far bigger match against Arsenal. Our league form in the first half of the season had been sloppy - but then again, isn't it always? Our record against the big four teams in the Premier League was very poor in recent games but in what may have caused many Arsenal fans flashbacks to the Champions League semi-final we cruised to victory. Nani's superb bit of skill resulted in a harsly awarded Manuel Almunia own goal. Although personally I would have given the goal to Nani, just 'cause I say so. Minutes later, Rooney made it to in a goal which was scored in the exact same amount of time as Cristiano Ronaldo's beautiful counter attack in the Champions League last season. Ji-Sung Park rounded off the scoring as he always likes to do against Arsenal. This hopefully, becoming the boost for our 2nd half plunder of the Premiership to win it for a record 19th time, and a record 4th time in a row.

That's not all, oh no.

News on Keith Harris (apparently not pictured with Orville) is gathering some sort of group of Red Knights to take over the club from the Glazers. It all sounds very promising but would the Glazers who are succesfully raping our club of many millions of pounds want to sell such a get-richer-quicker scheme?

The Red Knights name though is interesting. If they are succesful in taking over the club they could all sit around a King Artuhur-esque Round Table and rename Old Trafford to Camelot. Not to be confused with the crappy theme park of the same name in Chorley.

Hopefully then all good news, everywhere. Unless you're Wayne Bridge.

And for those watching Sky Sports News on Transfer Deadline Day. Nothing is going to happen. Unless it does, in which case I look like an idiot. Hurrah.

This blog has been brought you by;

Milka Chocolate
Cockiness
Team Teamwork's excellent mash-up album of hip-hop and Final Fantasy VII. Vinyl Fantasy 7.

#33 - Burned

2010-01-20T06:44:00.000-08:00

Imagine the scene. You and your child are walking down the street. It's a nice day outside. There's birds singing folk songs with remarkable skill. Your child then tugs on a tattooed man's arm for a bit because he was wondering what it was, until he realises if he tugs it any longer he may get in trouble. Then out of nowhere an evil bald man shouts at your child, steals his favourite toy and gives it to a nearby cave dweller (pictured). The cave dweller then steals another of your childs toys and shows off the size of his ears at your face. You put up your middle finger. A group of idiots watch this on CCTV, fine you, ban you, take you to prison and then hang you in the street whilst shouting Nazi slogans.

It sounds ridiculous, but it happened last night. Of course in the film version, the child is played by Rafael, the tattooed man is Bellamy, the evil bald man is Mike Dean (know owner of 5 palaces in Abu Dhabi) and the cave dweller is Carlos Tevez. The group of idiots are the FA. The person who plays you is Gary Neville. The metaphor may not be perfect, in fact I thought of it last night whilst my rage blinded my creativity.

The point remains true. Although it is only half time (someone should have told the City fans that at the end of the match) the penalty totally swung the tie. Mike Dean overall had a rather shocking game and refused to book Bellamy for smashing into Valencia's face after a bad foul on Rafael. As well as Tevez for going rather high on Wesley Brown. The next leg should be quite something.

Before that though was a comfortable-ish win over Burnley. Fortunately for us Burnley don't have any good strikers and they don't have Owne Coyle anymore - but we improved. Which is something we've been slowly doing (and will continue to do) after all our players decided being injured was hip.

Diouf who scored against Burnley and had a good chance against City certainly looks a promising prospect. Already 16x times better than Manucho (and if you know your maths right that makes him 96x better than Dong Fangzhou [yes, he did really play for us]) and with a spring for headers similar to that of Paddy Evra we may have a very good signing on our hands.

Looking before the second leg though is a home match against Hull City. Who are still managed by Phil Brown, so we will win. Yes we will. We will, honest.

I also want to say how much I agree with the current Green and Gold until the Glazers are out campaign. I needed to say I agree with it or they might change their minds, yes I believe I'm that influential in my head. I'll probably change the blog to such colours at some point (possibly it will be green and gold as you read this) depending on my laziness levels and how easy it is to do on Blogger. And yes I understand the irony that the blog is called Rossobianchi but I'm not going to rename it Verdeoro, as it's more effort.

I admit freely to being a dunce at anything finacial. The entire subject confuses, irritates and bores me. I don't like people talking about money unless it precedes them giving it to me. At which point I will waste (or invest) it on booze. So, from what I hear the Glazers are doing bad things. Which doesn't surprise me anyway, but I have no interesting insight at all. Just read the Guardian's site for that.

According to the press, we're interesting in a bunch of players... but we're skint anyway so there's no point speculating.

This blog has been brought to you by;

Blind rage.
Trying to not think of my favourite James Bond when bonds are mentioned with our finances.
More blind rage!

#32 - Hypothetical

2010-01-08T09:25:00.000-08:00

With news (well, rumours) of our great captain, leader, revolutionary, hero and facial-haired legend Gary Neville (pictured) possible calling it quits at the end of the year. Is it time to start examining who could vill the void as the capitano?

Ryan Giggs: Vice captain, sports personality of the year, living legend, has the abilty to go into your house at night and watch you sleep if you live in Salford: Surely one of the strong contendors for those who think "change is not good". There is a feeling among some fans (myself excluded) that Ryan Giggs isn't "captain-material" this though tends to just mean he doesn't shout at everyone constantly. Understandably good point is that he doesn't play every game and thus his impact as captain would be muted.

Wayne Rooney: Above mentioned "captain-material" but certainly a driving force. Can swear like Roy Keane could. Scary like Roy Keane was. Likes dogs as much as Roy Keane does. Still though, there are some doubts about his temperment (this is from football pundits who have not watched football for years yet continue to be on television) but there is no question that he is committed to the cause. Sir Alex thinks he could be a future captain... could he be next season?

Darren Fletcher: From "aw no not Fletcher again" to "bloody hell, we would have won that if Fletcher had played!". One of the most improved players in some time. He has many things going for him as a captain. Firstly, he's Scottish. It is a well known fact that Scottish people are loud. They absolutely can fucking swear. Already the captain of Scotland on account of possibly being the only good Scottish player besides possibly... Ally McCoist. Still.

Patrice Evra: I'm moderately sure that Paddy Evra was the captain for a match recently. I've forgotten which one, but I'm almost certain it happened. Our most consistent player since 2007, and probably the best in the world in his position. Cheryl Cole will not doubt soon be Cheryl Evra. That's is she's Patrice's cup of tea that is. Many "purists" or "people with false pride who cling onto national history for the own self-worth" may want a british captain. Forgetting where Eric Cantona was from. Strong candidate, popular with fans, almost certainly popular with anyone worth a damn. And very funny. Plus he told Lampard to suck his pussy. Something no other professional has said in the game that I know of yet.

Nemanja Vidic: Estimated that 15,000 opposition strikers have been killed by Nemanja Vidic in the last 200 years. It's an impressive death toll. But with so many more strikers unaccounted for, what's the true figure? There are many Vidicaust deniers like Nick Griffin who say people exaggurated the figures of how many strikers died. It doesn't matter really. Vidic kills. It's even a song - no more evidence is needed. Vidic has captained the club before, recently too if I remember (probably wrongly) in a match we probably won. Ok, I'm not sure. I'm not going to research, I don't get paid. Anyway. He seems to be leader material, he doesn't need to swear because he's hard as nails, if nails were Terminators. The only question is the lingering doubt of whether he's staying. Despite his agent, himself, myself, Jonathan Ross saying that he will definitely be staying when Real Madrid are concerned, there's always an element of doubt, because they're bastards. If he does stay, he's a contendor, for sure.

Edwin Van Der Sar: Not exactly a long term option, since Edwin Van Der Sar was goalkeeper for the first ever football match in Three Kingdoms era China (something I'm a bit of a geek about). So experience is plentiful. He is known to swear too. And could be seen as a stand-in captain until someone like Rooney or Fletcher is old enough to take up the captaincy. For some reason young captains tend to be frowned upon by old men who used to watch football wearing flatcaps in the days where the world was black and white.

Rio Ferdinand: Has been captain many times before. So a very strong contender. The only problem with Rio Ferdinand lately is his fitness. His mystery back problem seems to be no better and of course we don't want a captain who doesn't play. If he is fully fit though, surely a favourite.

Michael Carrick: Some aren't fond of Carrick, I am. He passes the Daily Mail reader's test of being English, and has experience. But with our every changing midfield, will he play enough to warrant captaincy?

Park Ji-Sung: Was captain for about 8 minutes in an already won Champions League match back in 2005 I believe. Then played like a maniac for 8 minutes. So, giving him the armband all the time may send him in to total overdrive mode forever. Maybe we'll just make him believe he's captain instead.

Paul Scholes: Does what ever he wants.

Other possibilities: John O'Shea, Wesley Brown, Owen Hargeaves.

Any thoughts?

This blog has been brought to you by;

Over exagguration.
Beer.
Still wanting to see Gary Neville's house (one of his neighbours [not Alan] sounds like a twat).

#31 - Ugh

2010-01-03T07:25:00.000-08:00

That is how I feel right now.

#30 - Rossobianchi Award 2009

2009-12-22T13:41:00.000-08:00

So this blog has not been going enough to be a full year, but that doesn't mean we can't do end of year award. Everyone loves them. The internet loves lists. Not as much as it loves cats, sadly. Anyway. I only have one award, having more than one is totally played out.

Rossobianchi Player of the Year 2009:

Rossobianchi's Player of the Year didn't sign for Real Madrid, doesn't play for Barcelona (neither do 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th), didn't name their son "Kai Wayne", didn't sell access to the clubs training ground despite being captain of their club and country, didn't handball twice and after Paul McShane defended badly and whilst Shay Given was out of position, didn't blame Ireland's defence for the goal and join Ipswich Town as manager, is shockingly not called Filippo Inzaghi, isn't Xmas #1, would have done something at the Copenhagen summit, didn't turn on the Large Hardon Collider, and definitely did not die before his super sell out tour.

Of course. I'm talking of Patrice Evra. The most amusing player at United for a good long time. Evra has given us magic moments of comedy entertainment and consistently brilliant performances.

We (just me) are sure this award will mean more to him more than any trophy ever could.

Don't worry though. Real blog coming post-Xmas. Probably after we lose 3-0 to Hull City as Bobby Zamora plays in disguise and de Laet, Evra and even Mike Phelan are injured by a falling satellite. Curiously a bSkyb one. You heard it here first.

This half-arsed blog has been brought to you by;

Being so old that I now find Festivus far more exciting than Xmas.
Refusing to say Christmas because I'm a stubborn "militant" atheist.
Making excuses to constantly eat fast food.

Surprise!

2009-12-08T06:55:00.000-08:00

Apologies of course, for the lack of updates. My little brain (pictured) has been making hard work of things and my chronic laziness has peaked. I will get back to updating this again... when I think of something funny.

Until then I'm going to avoid any sort of defending in case I get injured.

#29 - Sense

2009-11-12T09:40:00.000-08:00

In a move of sheer laziness I'm just to link to another article to bring it to attention. This is from the Guardian's (Manchester United supporting) Rob Smyth:

Have referees closed ranks against Manchester United?

It's a very good read. Interesting stuff! And hey... it counts as a new blog post so makes me feel like I actually do good work.

I'm going to pat myself on the back from a while.

#28 - Outbursts

2009-11-12T06:24:00.000-08:00

Oh. Nani! Bless him. If he had a brain he'd be bloody brilliant. Unfortunately, he has not. His talent is frequently wasted with poor decisions. Then every now and then he'll do something absolutely superb. Like a true winger, really.

If you're not big on news, but big on frequently unattractive females with big tits (that's what the 4th beer of the night is for), you probably read The Sun or something similar. Yes I realise I made fun of tabloids (pictured) in the last blog post but I may as well keep up a good rhythm. The Sun loves to sensationalise more than anyone.

Let's see how they took this: Big headline - You’re screwing up my career (in capitals, of course) Here's his actual quotes:

"Ferguson is a very complicated man. He's tough. If things are all right, then they are all right. But when he thinks something is wrong, everything is screwed. He can go from complimenting you to just plain trashing you in a matter of minutes. Has it happened to me? Hell, yes! He'll say 'Nani, how could you miss this or this'?"

Not exactly a revelation so far.

"He shouts at players in front of everyone. No one escapes, everybody is the same. Giggs and Neville suffer most, because they have more experience. It is 'Fuck' here and 'Fuck' there."

Old news.

"People expect more from me and it's not easy. But they are also not doing what they said they were going to. I know it would be better if I scored more goals. I can have a spectacular game but nobody guarantees me I will be starting the next match. It shatters your confidence. I did not play the important matches, against Liverpool, Manchester City or Tottenham. Not playing these games, I am a bit sad. But for now I am not considering leaving."

Is his career being mismanaged? "As it is now, I think so."

Well. Maybe if you played better then, Nani. Still not biggie. He has the right to complain about not getting a run of games, because he's not at all. None of our squad are. Whether that helps in the long run for a long season or hinders player development for now... is a matter for people who are getting paid to write about things like this. For free... this all you get from me.

Cutting out The Sun's keywords of "astonishing", "explosive", and of course "no-holds-barred". Which make it sound like a pretty good wrestling cage match.. really there's not much to see here. If I ran a paper (I'll call it Gazzetta della Me) the headline would be "disgruntled player is disgruntled".

#27 - Light Relief

2009-11-08T16:01:00.000-08:00

I'll get back to today's (now technically - yesterday's) footballing incidents. Until then, let's laugh at the News at the World who think Barcelona will pay £85m for Wayne Rooney.

Ahahahahahhaahaha.

Ahahahah!

Hahahahahaa.

Hahaha..

Ahh..ha..

This is why I do not reading Tabloids.

#26 - Castrol Rankings

2009-11-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

I've decided lately to reform the way do these blogs. Instead of essentially copying the excellent Guardian Fiver. I'll just do whatever the hell I want instead. Is it laziness? You betcha.

Today, I'm looking at the Castrol Rankings. I've no idea how these are worked out because stats.. are stats. So mean nothing really. Here's how our lads do and some of our ex-lads as well.

3. Cristiano Ronaldo
4. Gerard Pique
12. Nemanja Vidic
31. Wayne Rooney
39. Dimitar Berbatov
43. Edwin Van Der Sar
53. Michael Carrick
64. Ryan Giggs
Tied at 75. Rio Ferdinand and Jonathan Evans
80. Diego Forlan
92. Patrice Evra
95. John O'Shea
105. Darren Fletcher
123. Giuseppe Rossi
147. Carlos Tevez
173. Ji-Sung Park
180. Antonio Valencia
448. Paul Scholes
646. Phillip Bardsley
700. Anderson
770. Mikael Silvestre
885. Gary Neville
931. Rafael
935. Louis Saha
967. Michael Owen
1028. Nani
1188. Ben Foster
1371. Wes Brown
1382. Gabriel Obertan
1399. Tomasz Kuszczak
1603. Ruud van Nistelrooy
1805. Fraizer Campbell
1839. Ferderico Macheda
1856. Darron Gibson
1948. Fabio
2006. Danny Welbeck
2057. Ritchie de Laet
2164. Chris Eagles
2205. Zoran Tosic (with just 1 point)
Unranked: David Beckham (possible due to time at MLS), Owen Hargreaves (obvious reasons), Rodrigo Possebon, Tom Cleverley, et cetera.

Now then. That basically doesn't mean much. Alot of these are relative with some not playing enough games and others just being obviously wrong. Let's have a look at some more craziness before I continue.

Thierry Henry is the best player in the world. He was probably, at one point back around 2003-2004. Rafael Marquez is the second best defender in the world.

Our own Gerard Pique came out first. I have huge respect for Pique and would love him back, but is he the best centre back in the world? No. Although in time he could well be.

Florent Malouda is apparently better than Andres Iniesta. With Tim Cahill coming a good 21 places higher of, 85th best player in the world, Kaka. Yes, THAT Kaka.

Luca Toni and Claudio Pizarro are higher up than David Villa, Edin Dzeko, Wayne Rooney, Raul and Zlatan IbralookslikeZachBraffovic (My beloved Pippo Inzaghi is tied with Ibrahimovic and Grafite[d Grease]).

Christian Abbiati is the greatest goalkeeper in the world. Hertha Berlin's Jaroslav Droby is second. I admit to not knowing who he is either. Buffon, Cech and Casillas and way below the likes of.. *ahem*.. Robert Green, Thomas Sorensen and Heurelho Gomes.

So. What is the point of this post? Not much really. Except to emphasis the point (if it hasn't been enough already) that stats in football are meaningless and misleading. You can rack up your pass count, saves per shots ratio and goals per minutes. But it's meaningless. To be a top class player, you must first play for a top class team in which you are winning major trophies.

I'm unranked by the way.

Peace!

#25 - Bumper

2009-10-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

Your resident blogger apologises for the lateness of this bumper-ish edition post, but you'll just have to get over it. I'm not getting paid! So, where to start?

Manchester United (pictured) will come back from Moscow very satisfied with what was in my opinion our best performance this new season. Excluding the first 70 minutes or so against Bolton Wanderers. Antonio Valencia has recently decided the upside to scoring goals and enjoying a rich bit of form. Nani has looked good, yes I just said that. Fabio was excellent on wednesday, and it's hard to pick out a bad performer. No Nemanja, put your hand down.

For those who are in anyway visual impaired, were obstructed by a large object or just fell asleep whilst watching the television. Listening to the commentators on wednesday afternoon you would think you were watching Alan Titchmarsh's brand new show: "Blades of Grass". With far more talk about grass, bouncing of balls on grass and so forth football seemed to be on the back burner.

The win in a tough Moscow climate but's us more than comfortable in our Champions League group and it would take a cock up of freakish proportions to push us off it. Home games against CSKA and Besiktas still to come we're pretty much there. This cannot be said for Liverpool. Who still have to travel to Lyon and host Fiorentina. As we look ready to get our revenge for the taunts we had to suffer in 2005.

Liverpool will feature a few more times in this blog. Mainly because of the huge game coming up this Sunday, with question marks over the only two Liverpool players who actually are any good, this has all of us licking our lips unlike the baby pictured.

Of course. Liverpool lately are more associated with beach balls. With one Liverpool beach ball sold on on Ebay for £43. Do I really need to say anything more over this subject? It's still hilarious. With the misfortunes of said Beach Ball and Ballon Boy it is not a good time to be an inflatable object. Sammy Lee is said to be looking nervous.

Rio Ferdinand is a hot topic right now. And this blogger has no idea why. Yes, he has certainly made mistakes lately, but this is always likely with Rio, we should expect that. Just because he's been in the form of his life for the past two seasons and only now has dipped slightly people think it's the end of the world. Yes, Jonny Evans is banging on the door for a first team spot, but that is only because he is an excellent prospect. And yes, Nemanja Vidic did have a few shaky moments in CSKA, but honestly he's been much better than that earlier on the season. A nice powerful tower-above-Jamie-Carragher header in front of the kop on sunday would be nice though.

Since this blogger was too lazy to update on the weekend, last cast our minds back to the Bolton Wanderers match. A slowly improving (and unlucky not to be higher in the league) Bolton Wanderers side were the visitors. A 2-1 really did flatter Bolton, unless you only saw the last 15 minutes or so in which for some reason we decided to crawl up in to a ball and hope Bolton didn't score. With the old Bolton tactics of hoofing up as far as possible and hoping something happens always a threat, they were honestly unlucky not to equalise later on. Of course, they were also lucky not to be 6-0 down at half time.

Oh. There was an international break before that.. oh.. ah... I'm still awake. No, I just can't handle it; I've lost my mojo now.

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Shreddies.
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The awesome sounds of Mariachi el Bronx.
The very excellent, Uncharted 2.

I've not forgotten you.

2009-10-21T01:02:00.000-07:00

New blog post coming Thursday! In which will be discussed: CSKA, Beach Balls, Silly-questions-getting-no-answers, Ballon d'ors, Rio Ferdinand, Michael Green the new Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, Swine Flu vaccinations, Postal Strikes, Favourite Films A-C, Uncharted 2 and Dating.

I might not be able to get through all that, but we'll see.

#24 - Brothers

2009-10-06T03:27:00.000-07:00

Family. Brothers. Where would we be without them? In the case of Rio Ferdinand we would be one point worse off in the Premier League table. Similar to Phil Neville's own goal for us a few years ago when we came from behind to beat Everton 4-2. I couldn't find a video of Phil's own goal. So watch this classic Phil Neville moment instead.

Despite rescuing a draw against Sunderland at home questions will no doubt be asked about Ben Foster (pictured). Questions that have already been asked this season but now people are just asking louder prodding until they get an answer. There is no doubt that Ben Foster has the potential to be fantastic, he just needs a bit of a head check. This reminds me of Tim Howard. We got rid of him and he went to Everton and turned out to be a very good goalkeeper indeed. Before Foster's error, Berbatov answered some of his critics with a superbly taken bicycle kick goal. And the points were saved when good old Anton Ferdinand helped us out. Cameras cut to Rio Ferdinand, who for some reason is not laughing.

So what does this all mean? Are we actually terrible? Are we staring relegation in the face?

Of course not. We have games like this in every season. 8 wins and 1 draw in 9 games is still championship form games like these serve as a kick up the back side. It also gives Sir Alex Ferguson a superb chance for some misdirection.

Like a Las Vegas magician, Sir Alex distracted everyone's attention from our teams shortcomings in the match (heck, in the second half Nani was one of our better players) with a superb dig at Alan Wiley for being unhealthy. The crowd forgets about Ben Foster and the subpar match against Sunderland disappears. The crowd clap and cheer. David Copperfield burns with envy. FA's not covinced.

Hell. Jeff Winter certainly wasn't impressed. Which almost certainly means Sir Alex is right. Jeff Winter says Sir Alex would never have called Alan Wiley fit to his face. What Jeff Winter is forgetting as that Sir Alex knows Nemanja Vidic. He can say what he wants to anyone and know nothing bad will happen. Oh. Classic Soccer AM moment. The MMS "sent in" afterwards is pure genius.

Edin Dzeko liked it though. As he accepts Fergie's praise. Sir Alex no doubt buttering up the superb bosnian who could be the Benzema that he wanted this year... next year.

Le Havre are still banging on about Paul Pogba. They know the player doesn't want to stay with them, they just want him back so they can wait a few years and sell him off for about £10,000,000 to another club. Is that selfish? yes! Is it savy? yes! Le Havre have talked alot about fake contracts, parents and sucking up to FIFA. But not once have they actually mentioned what Le player Le wants, Havre they?

Ritchie de Laet has just now signed a new contract with us. De Laet has looked very promising for us in his first team appearances and you'd have to go to the United Youth blog to find out how he is does in the Reserves. I heard he signed it quickly and the was no De-lae. Yes, I just don't stop with bad puns.

So now what? International br.. zzzzz. We'll be back in action against Bolton Wanderers on the 17th. I may try and sneak in another blog post until then.

This blog has been brought to you:

3 days late.
Full of Rice Krispies.
In the mood for some Hot Chocolate.
International break? Noooooo!

#23 - Knight

2009-10-01T04:31:00.000-07:00

Cryogenics, Fountain of Youth, Being a Vampire. These things may keep you alive for a very long time, but obviously-soon-to-be-knighted (thus pictured) Ryan Giggs doesn't need any of it.

In what will be one of our tougher games of the group stages (Wolfsburg and CSKA away probably being the toughest) we came back from behind to secure a valuable 2-1 win against the reigning Bundesliga champions.

It didn't start off too well with a fairly average first half and (criminally underrated) Dzeko's goal giving the Germans the lead. Minutes later Ryan Giggs' deflected free kick and his 150th goal for Manchester United equalised. What made this free kick even more special was Anderson's stare at the goal keeper for the entire time. Looking like a warrior ready to pounce on him even if he flinched. See a picture of it in it's (low-res) glory here.

"Under-fire" (from some critics and possibly naval air cannons) Michael Carrick who by far had his best game of the new season sealed the win with a delightful finish curling the ball into the top right corner. Very similar to his 2nd goal against AS Roma in our 7-1 mauling in 2007. We now top our group and are a few wins away from already being qualified. Which everyone sort of already knew we would anyway.

On the down side Michael Owen was taken off early on in the match after injuring his groin. A problem that he had during training days earlier. Though even if he remains injured until the end of the season his goal against Manchester City is more than enough to mean it's perfectly acceptable.

Rumours circulating about possible transfer targets for January or Summer. Bolton's best player Gary Cahill who really deserves an England cap has been linked. This though seems unlikely with us having Vidic, Ferdinand, Evans, Brown and O'Shea who can all cover for centre back as well as James Chester who seems to have a bright future with us.

Another quality young player Sporting Clube de Portugal Goalkeeper Rui Patricio is also one linked with us. We're apparently keeping tabs on him. I'm not sure what it's a tab of, but we have it. Surely though with Van Der Sar possibly staying in goal until the end of the world and Ben Foster with the potential to be one of the best.. is he really needed? Even Tomasz Kuszczak is looking good lately. With two good performances against Wolves and Wolfsburg.

Rosenborg's Anthony Annan is another one linked with us. Sky Sports describes him as "all-action". Although we can safely assume if he has a bad game who remain mostly Annanymous. Thank you, I'm here all week.

This has been brought to you by;

Terrible weather again.
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This picture.

#22 - Immortal

2009-09-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

So. Here's today's bumper (by my standards) edition of everyone's least favourite blog beginning with "Rossobianch". Mainly due to laziness of not writing one midweek. But enough of midweek already.

United continued winning ways with a comfy looking 2-0 win against Stoke City. Stoke, who like to combine ugly football with ugly footballers ([2] [3] [4]), weren't exactly full of attacking menace. At all. Ben Foster could have had an awful game but we really don't know.

The breakthroughs came when Ryan Giggs (pictured) came on for the disappointing Nani (sound familiar?). Giggs went on to add 2 assists to his 3 last week. The ones amongst you whose favourite Sesame Street character was the Count will know that this adds up to 5 assists in a row for the 20-ish year old left winger. Berbatov and John O'Shea the ones who managed to put it on the back of the net from that point onwards. Paul Scholes deserves special mention for having the ball so much in the match that I'm quite sure he brought his own separate one with him today.

With a surprise result of Wigan Athletic beating Chelsea 3-1. This puts us back up to the top of the table once more on goal difference. Or goals scored, depending which site you read.

But enough about today! Who cares about the present when there is the past? In our Carling Cup 3rd round tie against Wolves, it was an easy 1-0 thanks to Danny Welbeck's goal following a one-two with Michael Owen. Fabio da Silva was sent off early on but if you missed that bit and watched the match you would never realise this unless you were sad enough to count players. Or unless you were Dimitar Berbatov look-a-like Count von Count.. "nine players, ten players... AH AH AH!"

On top of that today was the 4th round draw of the Cheap Lager Cup and the reserves will be playing away to Barnsley.

Is that it? No! Of course there's more news..

One of our club's ambassadors, Bryan Robson has decided to take his not-so-brilliant-as-he-was-a-player management skills to Thailand. Presumably because it's so far away and no one from home will ever watch it.

If in the blue half of Manchester they're using their billions to create a time machine to go back to last weekend just to bitch, moan and be bitter about it then maybe here's something to get them thinking. They will complain of corruption, crazy conspiracies, and black helicopters. But maybe the (perfectly normal) extra added time was because of their colour? It's a very interesting read.

Now that's over. We need to look forward to our rather tough home game against Wolfsburg midweek. Grafite certainly, needs to be stopped from doing this.

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Wondering if Sampdoria are good enough to challenge for Serie A.
Yum-Yums.
Wondering what other football players look like muppets. Mick McCarthy does look like Sam the Eagle.

#21 - Joy

2009-09-20T16:28:00.000-07:00

As the red half of Manchester will be falling asleep with a huge grin on itself and for the first time since the last derby win, actually looking forward to work. The blue half (pictured) will be having sleepless nights and shouting "it was only 4 minutes added time, ref!".

This I feel I need to address first. I have a feeling this will be the biggest argument heard from City fans for the next year. Now. Firstly, there's a reason the announcer always says "a minimum of x minutes added time". This a minimum. People hopefully don't believe that by some bizarre circumstance every time the referee adds on time during stoppages in the match it doesn't miraculously end up being an exact minute. This is just the minute they put on the boards. It could well have been 4 minutes, 59 seconds and was rounded down. We don't know. Now, I have that goal put down as 95:28. So, let's say by some strange coincidence it was exactly 4 minutes that the referee had as added time. That leaves 1 and 28 seconds. Bellamy's goal scored in the 89th minute, with play not resuming until the 91st minute as well as the substitution for Michael Carrick to come on (which correct me if I'm wrong, I believe adds 30 seconds) more than covers it. Phew. Let's carry on.

The game itself was rather exciting. What was a pretty even first half with a dire Ben Foster mistake letting Carlos Tevez (with the way the commentators talked of his closing down it was as if no other play ever closes down, only Tevez does it. He invented closing down.) pass into Gareth Barry to score. In the first minute Rooney put us ahead. Second half was all United besides the two Bellamy goals. 79% possession and what should have been a Berbatov hatrick. Then in the 95th minute, sheer ecstasy as Michael Owen makes us completely forget he ever played for Liverpool (did he? Didn't someone just make that up as a joke?) by scoring a huge goal and celebrating like a nut. Quite a relief really. Especially since Sir Alex, Ben Foster and Nemanja Vidic this week all knocked City's title bid.

The good news doesn't stop there. Craig Bellamy, the essence of calm, was snapped punching or pushing very hard with his hand in a fist shape the face of a fan. Mark Hughes (who seems to have become deluded with wealth) tried to defend the actions by comparing it something Brian Clough did with a fan many years earlier. Brian Clough also fired two tea ladies for laughing after a defeat. It does not mean Craig Bellamy can fire tea ladies either. Mark Hughes really is going a bit off the boil accusing life long Manchester United fan Gary Neville of "over celebrating". Hm. I wonder who's player has been in a row of celebrating lately, Mark? Sparky also invented a penalty claim of Patrice Evra apparently fouling Carlos Tevez.

On a related note, did anyone see Patrice Evra boo as he promised?

More good news! Book maker William Hill lost approximately £1,000,000 due to Michael Owen's late winner. They then issued a statement that makes them sound very bitter. How fitting.

In less interesting (but still good) news...

Park Ji-Sung has extended his stay until 2012. Which if you're stupid, is apparently when the world will end. The Mayan calender is not a suitable use for determining the life expectancy of the world. These are the same people who tore out children's hearts as a sacrifice.

Now then. Next up is the Reserves' Carling Cup 3rd round tie against Mick McCarthy's Wolves. And until then let's gloat.

This blog has been brought you by;

Ignoring our shambolic defending.
Finding every piece of Manchester United memorabilia I own and strapping it to myself to walk around Manchester with tomorrow.
The Michael Owen fan club.

#20 - Rage

2009-09-17T03:43:00.000-07:00

After a match that didn't quite serve up entertainment like our match against Spurs. We left Besiktas with a win, and 3 very good points away from home in a very tough climate thanks to Paul Scholes' very clever headed finish.

If anyone at all is worried about Wayne Rooney (pictured) and his temperment then they shouldn't be. Although he has matured a huge amount since he joined us way-back-when he of course still has his hot streak. And giving some stick to Turkish fans (maybe it was polite conversation?) and throwing down his boot in anger next a very worried looking Fabio isn't really much but a refreshing display of passion. Thankfully, since Wayne Rooney is english we will not be getting any headlines like "Rooney wants out to Real Mardid". Every time Cristiano Ronaldo did a sulk it was essential the same thing but no one blew it over quite so easily.

In spite of our win for this week at least, we sit second in our group due to Wolfsburg's impressive 3-1 win over CSKA. Although essentially now if we get 3 home wins we're home and try and through to the last 16.

Sir Alex Ferguson has tipped Paul Scholes to continue to play forever. Which is good news of course. With Ryan Giggs also set to play until the end of time as well only AC Milan can look on in envy of our experienced stars. Expect a £50m bid from Milan for Ryan Giggs in about 3 years.

Patrice Evra (still, why not a chant for him?) has continued to be a legend again. Saying that he'd boo (old best friend) Carlos Tevez with the United fans. Paddy Evra probably has more love for this club than some of our homegrown players.

David Silva is apparently going to leave Valencia sometime soon according to the press just because he said the ol' phrase "things can change in the future". But either way, we must be over that like flies over poo-poo. If not, I will start by own club and put in a bid for him.

Craig Cathcart as joined Watford on loan until january. Nothing to see here...

Does anyone else find it strange that English international Owen Hargreaves will not be counted as a home grown player under the new Premier League rules? True he hasn't been trained in England but he is (essentially) English.

So. Most importantly next up is Manchester City at home this sunday. City may well be without Robinho, Tevez and Adebayor. We may well be without Rio Ferdinand. Ben Foster will still having ringing in his ears after "not being able to think" due to the noise in Turkey.

Besides that though, we've still got a great team in what will be one of the most hotly contested Mancunian derbies in years. I'm practically on the edge of my seat already. Or so Sky Sports would want me to be.

This blog has been brought you by;

Thinking Flavio Briatore was just really clever for making Nelson Piquet Jr. crash in Singapore.
Still not caring about the UEFA Cup... uh... Europa League.
Trying to think of a catchy chant for Paddy Evra.

#19 - Entertainment

2009-09-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

After a dull week of international football. We've finally had some entertainment, as we usually get anytime we play Spurs.

Rio Ferdinand (pictured) returned in what was an excellent performance despite Jermaine Defoe's early over head kick. Excellent Ryan Giggs' free kick was a beauty to behold. Then in something that is less likely then Derren Brown *actually* finding a system for the lottery numbers, Anderson scored his first official goal for us. Paul Scholes' classic style of tackling (i.e. not tackling) earnt him a yellow card, before doing nothing earnt him a second one. Still though, unless you take the delightful job in counting the players on the pitch then you wouldn't have noticed United were down to ten men at all. Except, annoyingly enough a small red blip under United's name on the ESPN scoreboard. Totally distracting and annoying, I hope you agree. United's dominace continued as Wayne Rooney rapped up the points in impressive style.

A great win for us all especially with such a tough away fixture after an international break, putting us up in to second place. Although since it's not December yet, positions don't mean anything. Just ask Hull City this time last year.

In other news, Le Havre are still piping on about Paul Pogba, FIFA and Mickey Mouse contracts. With blatant disregard for what superbly named Paul Pogba wants and the fact that really this media love-in for Under-18s moving club is a minor fad. In Florence, a city full of style they don't want to be behind with the fads and they too are jealous of United's pulling power and looking to complain to FIFA about us taking (poaching, stealing, whatever) also excellently named Michele Fornasier.

Remember back in the ninties when everyone was crazy for enchroachment? Pass backs? Rules that hardly anyone tends to care about anymore. This happens alot in football. Much like bungs and tapping up, which everyone knows happens, but everyone just shushes about it and hopes Sepp Blatter continues devising new methods of getting the womans' football teams to strip for him personally.

On other news, "What accent is that?" Owen Hargreaves is on his way back... probably. Given the nod (although this blogger imagines no nods were actually used in this transaction) in the Champions League squad ahead of de Laet and Tosic, Hargo could make the last 3 games. Presuming he does do, has no further set backs, and returns to his earlier form he could be a superb assest for the rest of the season.

Ben Foster looked superb again today but don't tell Ignor Akinfeev, who wants to play for us. Definitely better than Tomasz Ku...sz....k Tomasz. The man who's name you wish you could use in scrabble. Though would he really be worth it with Edwin Van Der Sar seemingly the basis for Dorian Gray?

This blog has been brought you by;

Wondering if Anderson has ever really shat on Fabgras?
Trying to get within Derren Brown's circle of friends.
Looking forward to the Champions League.

#18 - Climbing

2009-08-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

Despite being mostly the better team Arsene Wenger's (pictured) Arsenal were sent home with no points at all. Something David Bentley wouldn't mind. Although the performance wasn't exactly sensational the commentators favourite cliche of winning when you're not being at your best is certainly to quote another commentator cliche, is the hallmark of Champions. Climbing around Old Trafford though, Arsene, is the hallmark of stupidity. Still. 3 points in the bag against one of our main title contenders this season. There's not too much to complain about, but inevitably people will.

This becomes doubly annoying as the International... zzzz... zzzz... zzzz. Oh sorry. The tedious International Break™ is coming up next. Is it just me that doesn't really care about international football during the season? I'm all for it afterwards but.. stop interrupting the leagues, damnit!

Also. Does anyone know what time exactly Darren Fletcher turned from pretty good into possible world beater? It's really outstanding how much he's improved over the seasons. Certainly now surely Roy Keane can understand why people in Scotland rave about Darren Fletcher.

Anyway. When we do come back after the international break the Champions League kicks back in again. We were given a draw of such equally sort-of-good teams that's actually quite tough. Especially Wolfsburg and CSKA Moscow. Besiktas though, who were humiliated by Liverpool 8-0 a couple of years ago.. surely we should be looking forward to a double figures victory?

Speaking of cup draws. Our Carling Cup draw of course faces us with a Premier League team, thankfully not a particularly tough one. Mick McCarthy's Wolverhampton Wanderers will be our opponents for the reserves. Is it just me that really enjoys watching them?

So no Manchester United for a few weeks... what to do... what to do?

This blog has been brought to you by;

Absolutely hating the colour commentator for ESPN's coverage of Serie A. Who successfully got every player wrong in the Roma vs. Juventus match.
Banana Milkshakes.
Deciding which International team to support for a few weeks.

#17 - Redemption

2009-08-23T04:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently a Manchester United XI side were involved in a football match at Turf Moor on wednesday... but this blogger doesn't know anything about that. As far as he is concerned it didn't happen.

We did absolutely definitely play against Wigan Atheltic yesterday (home fans pictured). After a first half reminicent of the match against Burnley we came out the second half and torn them a new one. Much to the dissapointment of Wigan Atheltic's only fan Fatty Pieman. With Rooney's brace, a Berbagol, Michael Owen's competitive first goal and a Nani free kick our scorers were exactly who we would have wanted. Ben Foster again made a few cracking saves as well and looked far more assured than he did a few weeks ago. Which gives people on internet forums (who on wednesday, in their wisdom along with the media procclaimed doom and gloom [which I will now refer to as dloom] to all. As United fans we should be used to the predictions of dloom) alot less to rant about.

Of course a 5-0 over a powerful but ultimately average Wigan Athletic side isn't cause for thinking about who will be facing in the Champions League final this year. A real test of how this new team will fare will come against an improved Arsenal team next weekend. Which just isn't the same fixture as it used to be, we miss Viera vs. Keane.

After seeing Darren Fletcher (actually!) football genius weave more of his magic in the centre of midfield it's more a question of "Fletcher and who?" in our midfield. With Scholes, Anderson, Carrick, and Gibson vying for that position. If we went back 5 years would any of us actually have thought Super Darren Fletcher would have turned out this good? It's a superb example of Sir Alex's guidance and keeping faith in our young guns.

Bad news though, Rio Ferdinand looks to be out for a full month and with Jonny Evans looking set to need surgery at some point in the future our defence could get a bit wobbly. Thankfully though T-1000* Nemanja Vidic and apparently now good John O'Shea we should be able to come through it unscaved.

*I realise the T-1000 was the one played by Robert Patrick and not Arnie but it sounds cooler.

Hm. Transfer rumours have dried up incredibly involving us lately. It's a damn drought out there. And I'm not going to sink myself as low as possible by checking Tribal Football. So I'm going to start making my own transfer rumours. I mean.. uh.. this 100% true from my Uncle's dog's cousin's best friend Susie who once knew a bloke called Ken who used to work at the trainning ground as a painter once.

In - Daniel Day-Lewis, Ronaldinho

Out - Dimitar Berbatov, Alan Keegan.

True. Daniel Day-Lewis is a direct replacement for Berbacool because he's the best damn actor in the world (watch My Left Foot) and if he got in character probably could be a professional footballer. Ronaldinho as our new announcer will be a little strange though.

This blog has been brought you by;

Craving some Coco Pops.
Being thankful F1 is back after their break.
Wondering why the Premier League doesn't have a winter break or finish early before the World Cup?

#16 - Finally

2009-08-18T02:00:00.000-07:00

Finally the season has got underway. Celebrations in all parts of the globe were heard last weekend by all sorts of people. At least that's what the Premier League (pictured) in it's constant effort to hype itself up would like you to believe anyway.

A good day for United fans on sunday. After watching us win our first opening game since 2006-2007 season with a comfy 1-0 win over Brummy City. With some United fans regarding freebie Michael Owen as a failure due to his one well saved shot by Joe Hart, this blogger may soon have to ignore reading any message board to make himself ignorant to stupidity. These will be the same people who lambasted Ben Foster as terrible last week and now would rather him in their team than Iker Casillas after his excellent save later on in the match.

With Wayne Roney's goal he looks set to be on course for a season filled with plenty of goals, unless of course he has to play centre back next weekend. With Ferdinand out for two weeks and Vidic and Evans looking doubtful no one is quite sure who will be playing there. One-nutmeg-every-seven-years O'Shea did have a decent game at centre back but do we have any experience to cover in the centre? Mayor of Manchester Gary Neville is still an uncertainty over he will ever be able to string games together or spent his later years like a goateed Ledley King. Craig Cathcart is fastly inexperienced at this level as well but needs must.

Our reserves could still do a job for our main squad though. They did pick up the Lancashire Senior Cup (don't tell anyone Manchester isn't a part of Lancashire anymore) with a late winner from Kiko Macheda. Which under a team managed by Ole Gunnar that will probably be the norm.

Transfers rumours now come on an occasional basis. Gone are they days we'd be linked with one new random midfielder every day. Former player and current Stoke City player Ryan Shawcross has been one linked but he's been saying it's a shaw thing that he's not going. Sorry. Don't get cross.

The other rumours though continue on the more usual ridiuclous. With Barcelona fresh off doing nothing with Cesc Fabregas now wanting to do nothing with Nemanja Vidic. And the rumours of Sergio Aguero going somewhere are still a constant.

There's actual transfer news though. In a deal I thought was sorted out ages ago, Richard Eckersley is set to join Burnley. Which leads to much shrugged shoulders and general indifference everywhere. As well as that Tom Cleverley is sent out on loan to Watford and wondering what all the buzzing noise is. Daniel Drinkwater will be tasting the water in Huddersfield. Danny Simpson will be looking embarassed in Newcastle United's terrible away strip. Lastly Tom Heaton's also been loaned out to Queen's Park Rangers and wondering why the other players he's with are getting paid more than him.

In other news Patrice Evra continues to be a legend.

Despite that news being boring the season is back. And whilst we may have not been grabbing any major headlines there's been plenty of action. Phantom goals and Liverpool losing being the highlights.

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Turning old.
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#15 - Foyled

2009-08-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

In another "devastating" cup defeat right up their with our penalty shoot out loss to Bayern Munchen in the Audi Cup. We are neither champions of the Community as we lose out on the Community Shield (pictured). Whatever that is supposed to mean anyway. Of course, people are rightly angry about the manner of Chelsea's goal. Although the result ended in a draw due to Rooney's fine goal it was the luck of a penalty shoot out that sent us home crying about our lack of community status. Patrice Evra was booked for a foul that really, just looked like every tackle Wes Brown has ever made. Oh well.

Of course, I don't care, you don't care and Chelsea don't care.

Short-sleeved Sir Alex cares of course, going as far as to saying the incident cost us the game. Perhaps a little too harsh since we did equalise later on, still. We've got a right to be furious... for a day. Until everyone forgets about it. Do you remember that charity shield match in 1996? No! No one does!

It's still lovely to know that we're just one week away from our first real game against Birmingham next week and all things considered it was quite a good performance, first half especially.

This comes after an impressive display against Valencia in the mid-week in which Valencia looked good. No, not Valencia... Valencia. The game was capped by a clever finish from Tom Cleverley. Oh. I've resorted to terrible puns lately.

A couple of days ago this bloggers favourite newspaper, The Guardian posted what had to be some sort of sick joke. Or perhaps their own attempt to win "Stupidest Transfer Rumours 2009" awards. David James was said to be on his way to us. And Nicky Butt of all people to Liverpool. It's hard to think of what to say to that. Where can you possibly start? What's the next rumour? Ian Rush for us and Bryan Robson to Liverpool?

Still. Rumours are sparse. Has anyone heard any good ones?

Our reserves though are still doing well under Ole. Even Tom Heaton has learned how to finish under Ole as he scored in the friendly against VV Katwijk of the Netherlands. Yes, the same VV Katwijk that have been General County Champions in '93, '94 and memorably '00. Heaton was substituted on as an emergency striker for Febian Brandy. That wasn't all though in another strange move kitman Ian Buckingham got in the game in the last minutes. Who's next?

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#14 - Pogs

2009-08-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

With another signing of a player none of us know anything about besides the occasional "I signed him on Football Manager!" there's really not too much to speculate about it. There's not even any Youtube videos for us to know nothing but then claimed to have seen him play regularly. Though what I can exclusively report to you is that Frenchman Paul Pogba (pictured) was certainly not signed because his name rhymes with Drogba. Also, he was born on March 15, that's the same as Mikael Fossell. Anyway his former club Le Harve are obviously angry that they lost out to him to a much better club. Of course, everything we did was perfectly legally so we'll harve our cake and eat it too. Ho, ho, ho!

Back in Germany we lost out in a penalty shoot-out to typically shoot-out effcient Germans, Bayern Munchen. With Evans having his penalty saved as we lose out on the Audi Cup. Such a shame. As we all wanted next years chant to be "Champions of England, Champions of Audi!". For anyone who's concerned about that result, don't be. It really means nothing.

Something that sort of means something is the Community/Charity/Pre-SeasonNothingMatch Shield match against Chelsea just one week tomorrow. First though is Valencia. The club that constantly teases bankruptcy but never actually goes that final step. Still. With all those links with us and David Villa or David Silva, wouldn't it be nice if we good just kidnap one of them?

Along the lines of players we might consider kidnapping. Here's one we don't want to kidnap anymore, Frank Ribery. Who's now decided he's not going anywhere. Which he's now saying because Madrid won't fork out that much for him. Despite possibly going to buy Xabi Alonso for £stupidmillion. At least he's still got his looks... sorry.

Although we may not to be about to cheer about how we are Champions of Audi, we are Champions of Milk! Our young guns won the Milk Cup (for actual details go to the excellent United Youth blog for a condensed report). We would usually have a tour bus for our young lads but that would really be milking it... sorry. I wish I could write more milk puns but I'm only skimming the news and don't have enough time and now need to moo-ve on. I'm sure you've got it anyway.

Henrik Larsson sadly is retiring from football after breaking a knee cap. Which I'm pretty sure only happens if you piss off the mafia. So I'll be starting the speculation that Henrik Larrson has links with the Mafia much like Sinatra did.

Well, it's nice to have things to write about.

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#13 - Closer

2009-07-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. Getting into Gear.

After a 2-1 victory over Argentine side Boca Juniors in the Audi Cup (pictured) United are close to a final with Bayern Munchen or AC Milan. In which they might win cars or something. It's not exactly the Champions League but it might be better than the Amsterdam Trophy, maybe? It's certainly better than the Wembley cup anyway.

Somethings rarely happen and we have to treasure them especially. You could win the lottery, you could fall out of a plane and land back in 1944 and fall on top of Adolf Hitler killing him instantly. Or you could see an Anderson goal in a Manchester United shirt. Now. What what will it take for us to see an Anderson goal, for United, in open play, in a competitive match? Am I being too optimistic? Is it as often as a new Ice Age? Anyway, Antonio Valencia as well got on the score sheet against (Ray Hudon's favourite player) Juan Roman Riquleme's Boca Juniors. In what was a match much tougher than our 8-2 mauling of Hangzhou Greentown. A town I found out was not entirely green.

Meanwhile in Milan extra crates of wine are being sent to Manchester courtesy of the Special One in an attempt to try and sure his way as Sir Alex's successor. Reactions, people? This one would no doubt 'cause quite the stir among fans. There's no denying it though the man can win. Either way he will surely be on the shortlist.

In news surprising nobody except possibly aliens, Hargreaves will still be out until December now. Though with the kind of major surgery he had will we need to replace him? Will he come back as good as he was?

Isn't it rather a strange feeling now knowing that for us the summer transfer window is pretty much finished? With no strong links to any players besides rumours and wishful thinking (David Silva) I'm left to ponder what to actually write about. 90% of all United stories are the usual quotes from footballers that are entirely obvious and tell people what we already now. Yes, Rio it is nice that Jonny Evans is staying. Yes Berbagol raising HIV awareness is good, but I need some material here?

I'm resorted to poking fun of City. As they made sure they signed a defender with an alliterative name to John Terry just so no one notices. Terry himself of course shined through as a true Robin Hood... after a month. Declaring he will stay at Chelsea and will sacrifice getting payed over the top wages, for slightly-less-but-still-very over the top wages. A true England captain, alright.

And I do this for free!

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#12 - Crime

2009-07-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. Jukebox Police

After Steven Gerrard (pictured in court) was cleared of affray this blogger and many other people across the world shouted in glee. At long last it was entirely legal for us too beat the living daylights out of the gits who hog the jukebox and pack it with terrible music at bars. It's a score for music lovers everywhere. At last we're legally allowed to serve a beatdown if anyone decides to select Creed on a jukebox.

Anyway. With my happiness over. Let's go back to United.

The pre-season nice-beating of East Asia continues with a 3-2 win of FC Seoul. Not too much to say about these pre-season matches are there? If we lose, so what? If we win, so what? At least though as each game goes by we can tick off another day as we get closer to the start of the season. Hurrah! Just one more game of the East Asia tour against Hangzhou Greentown tomorrow.

3rd choice striker Carlos Tevez is definitely not at City for the money. At least that's what he said before not actually saying why he was going there. We'd take any reason "don't wanna move house", "the blue brings out my eyes", or "I'm too jealous of Ryan Giggs's chest hair". Anything! Except the usual crap about it being a "project" and a "challenge". I'm sorry, but since when do footballers like "projects" and "challenges"? I thought it was about winning. How strange that only clubs supported by super-trillionbillionzillionaires are the only clubs with these "Projects"? Why does nobody join Bolton Wanderers for a "challenge" and "project". Sorry Tevez, no one believes you.

Us and Arsenal are going to get fined £5,000 (steady on, now!) for general fan troubles. Some foolish Arsenal fan threw a bottle at Nemanja Vidic. Instantly killing the bottle. One of ours threw a smoke bomb on the pitch. In a world where it's £15,000 to Croatia for racist taunts and £30,000 for the death of 20 fans. What on earth is that about? Still. Steven Gerrard is no doubt thanking his lucky stars he didn't throw a bottle at anyone.

Right. Well. Off to beat up some djs.

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#11 - Victory

2009-07-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. Take that, Malaysia!

After two clear victories over Malaysia (pictured) we have clearly shown to the world how much better we are than pesky Malaysia as they surrender to the will of Michael Owen. As almost inevitable Owen got himself on the score sheet in both of his games. Still. It's pre-season. It's a friendly. And it's Malaysia. Any judgments made now would be foolish until it gets into actual competitive fixtures.

On bizarre Malaysia related news. A fan who attened the match was stabbed twice in the chest by his wife after coming home late. She then took him to hospital. In possibly related news. The sales of mail order brides from Malaysia has dipped in England.

Frenchman Frank Ribery was apparently "explored" by David Gill in his trip to Munchen. This is hardly a feat that can be compared to say, Sir Francis Drake, but still it's slight news to report on. Of course, Bayern Munchen (like the German equivalent of Spurs) no doubt asked for £190,000,000 for his signature. £1,000,000 for a signed photograph though.

Manchester City's 3rd choice striker Carlos Tevez is apparently not worth the £25m according to Sir Alex. Although in a world where a player under £20m these days is apparently a bargain, who knows? Meanwhile. In a darker corner of Manchester, Roque Santa Cruz weeps quietly and talks about how he used to play football once. Before diving into a pool of £50 notes.

United are apparently "battling" Chelsea to sign Douglas Costa. With Gremio constantly asking for about £20m and United and Chelsea seemingly offering about £8m, is it time to get rid of the translator?

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles David Beckham's been heckled by his own fans. The comically named "Riot Squad" (who have to date, caused zero riots) gave Becks plenty of stick as he returned from playing for a club that's about a hundred times better, in which he showed improved form and continued with more England appearances. Banners included "Is evil something u do, or something u are?" Fans of spelling everywhere cringe. Still. Did any L.A. Galaxy fans for one minute think Beckham was going to their club not to earn lots of money and hang out with insane scientologists who like giant bottles of wine?

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#10 - Lies

2009-07-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. We're not signing any new players... oh wait.

With the signing of Mame Biram Diouf (thankfully, not pictured) announced today. Does anyone believe Sir Alex when he says we're definitely, definitely, definitely, probably, definitely, definitely not going to sign anyone else this season? The youngster will no doubt be getting a million comparisons to legend Ole Gunnar Solkjaer even if he turns out more like David Bellion. Still. I don't watch too much Norwegian football. But what I see from Youtube Molde seem to play football like Stoke City do. Still is "United sign Diouf" the worst United-related headline you've ever read?

So, in with the who-knows-if-he's-good? And out with the maybe-he-might-have-been-good! As Manucho has signed for Real Valladolid. Manucho will be fondly remembered amongst Old Trafford faithful as being "better than Dong". Not the greatest compliment, but we really didn't see much at all of him. Still, it must be awkward for agents to announce to their player about their great new move to Real....... (*valladolid*).

After stating in the last "issue" of this Rossobianchi blog of our youth players going too cheaply. Richard Eckerlsey (clearly a furious reader) decides to take the pickle by doing the exact same thing. Thankfully though, he'll be joining maybe-he-was-quite-good Chris Eagles at Burnley. Who have the potential of being either really good or really bad this season. There is no middleground.

Despite things blowing up in Indonesia the Asian tour will go on for United. Our first taste of Michael Owen may well come tomorrow. Let's hope he doesn't get injured!

Speaking of which. Gabby Obertan will be spending at least the next 3 or so months in the Saha-Hargreaves Ward at Carrington it seems. On the matter of Hargreaves, he's hoping for getting back to playing for the first time in about a year at the end of September. We've all missed his curly locks. And his accent that no one's ever heard before.

So. To sum up the news.

CALL IN THE RANDOM-TRANSFER-RUMOUR-OTRON, THERE STILL MAY BE SIGNINGS!

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#9 - Shout

2009-07-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. 777777777777777

Where to start? Since nothing much interesting happened for a few days I decided not to update, of course now lots of things have happened so it's time for me to get my head around them.

Sunderland have given us a pittance for the permanent services of youngster Fraizer Campbell (pictured). It was pretty obvious since Campbell's nothing stint at Tottenham Hotspur that he'd be destined to leave United in this transfer window, but is £3m enough? Is Cristiano Ronaldo 26 times the player Fraizer Campbell is? Erm, maybe. Still. It's a growing trend that most players on the exit from United (bar Ronaldo) go at incredibly cheap prices. Giuseppe Rossi, Gerard Pique, Chris Eagles and many more have been sold at not nearly the price clubs on Football Manager try and charge me. Is Football Manager not exactly like real life football? Or the other way round?

Still, the best luck to Fraizer Campbell. Who chooses Sunderland like a million other ex-United players and staff. The reason for this is usually unknown to me. Except for in this case. Fraizer Campbell had his heart set on joining Hull City until he saw what Phil Brown could do.

The big news, really of course is Michael Owen getting the much coveted #7. With the previous 3 holders of the numbers being Eric Cantona, David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo. Michael Owen certainly has alot to live up for. With many fans believing he's not "worthy" of the number. This to me though, is a slight bit of genius. Given to Obertan, Valencia, Nani, Welbeck or Macheda this number would have been a huge weight on their shoulders as they are constantly branded "the next Ronaldo" or "Ronaldo replacement". Michael Owen on the other hand really has none of this pressure. There isn't much expectancy on him anyway. He has two jobs; a) Don't get injured and b) Put ball in correct net. This then relieves the pressure for whoever takes on the holy number after his deaprture. Let's face it, it's probably going to be me.

The dynamic duo of Carlos Tevez and Kia Joorabchian have finally got enough money out of City's billions and Tevez has at last signed for them. No doubt looking forward to Champions League finals and trophies galore. Oh wait? What? They aren't in the Champions League? They've not won a trophy in 33 years? Why has he gone there then? Oh, they're owned by a billionaire? Ah, I see!

Sir Alex now says with the signings of Obertan, Valencia and Owen that he's done with any purchases this summer. This said hours after reportedly packaging (with a bow and fancy wrapping paper) a new bid for "next next next next Ronaldinho" Douglas Costa. Everyone is always the next someone.

Papers though continue to link us with strikers. With City "ending" (aka not ending.. "coming back later with more cash") their interest in Samuel Eto'o. The papers (and random people on internet forums) have linked us with a possible capture for the extra-vowel-one. As well as the usual links with Klaas-Jan Huntelaar we've also been linked with Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Which is obviously not true.

After a string of burglaries on Mersyside with the theft of football players's homes. Players in Liverpool having seemingly increased their defences to Fort Knox standards forcing many scouse thieves to hide in the toilet of the train on it's way to Manchester for work. After Darren Fletcher's house was robbed earlier this year, "hard bastard" Kiko Macheda's house was next. When will these robberies end? I'll tell you when. When they accidentally try and steal from Nemanja Vidic whilst he's still in the house. God save their souls.

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#8 - Calm

2009-07-07T03:53:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. Back to made up transfer rumours.

Has everyone got over the Michael Owen transfer now? Just checking.

Firstly. A new winger may well be on our way as Bordeaux's president says Gabriel Obertan (pictured - get it?) is on his way here. Obviously, with the lack of goals in every match, I don't really watch the Ligue Un. So I have no idea if he's good. I also refuse to believe YouTube. Either way, he'll probably be cheap.

Still this news surprised Laurent Blanc although he's probably not been paying attention as he'll be spending until August 31st hiding the fact that Yoann Gourcuff is brilliant.

The press though, continue to link us with more strikers. Moody Samuel Eto'o has once again been linked with us. Though this is going against our Berbatov "last of his kind" policy.

Another, far more likely option is Klaas-Jan Huntelaar. Football Manager 07's favourite. With him being unlikely to get a shout in the Madrid starting eleven because he's dutch and not as good as Benzema. Although it all really depends on what team Real Madrid's secret manager Raul decides to pick anyway.

Sticking with Real Madrid, unknown-Portuguese winger Cristiano Ronaldo finalised his move to Madrid in a naturally over-the-top fashion in front of 75,000 people. It must really pain other clubs who can barely fill out their stadium to know that if they'd payed £80m they might have sold out for once. Ronaldo will be taking up #9 since Raul is also secretly the King of Spain.

Either way Cristiano Ronaldo has shown about 9x as much grace in leaving (that includes punching a photographer) than Carlos Tevez has. On a related note. Why hasn't he signed for City yet?

Assuming we still want Ribery (which we shouldn't do) then apparently Bayern Munchen have got out their pricing guns and wrote "£69,000,000" on Ribery's face. With laughter from Madrid being heard in Manchester.

In gob-smacking news. News that will shake the foundations to the very core. This news is probably 8.9 at the least on the Richter scale. Lee Martin has completed his move to Roy Keane's Ipswich Town. Roy Keane is still too lazy to look for players anywhere else.

In more stupid news. Apparently nobody is buying Michael Owen shirts. This is almost certainly because he doesn't have a number and it would be stupid to have a shirt with just Owen and a blank space on the back. Oh, the Sun. Get back to reporting about Michael Jackson's "ghost". This is why I have the Guardian linked on this site instead.

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#7 - Shock

2009-07-04T06:06:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. "WTF?!? HE IZ NOT WORF £30,000,000 DEN HE IS NT GD, K?!?"

With many United fans going absolutely ape-shit at the signing of free Michael Owen (pictured) you must wonder if they have any perspective at all? As United fans we've been spoiled with big money signings pretty much season in and season out. For some reason though, when we've signed a free player people have gone crazy. Does it matter that he used to play for Liverpool, anymore? Really? It's common place for players to transfer from Inter to Milan. Inter to Juventus. Even Barca to Real Madrid. Yet, this.. a free agent who used to play for Liverpool a long time ago seems to be annoying a strange bunch of United fans. Apparently his Liverpool past taints him in some way. Who did Sir Matt Busby play for, by the way?

If anything if he avoids the Hargreaves-Saha Centre (former Physio room) then he could be an absolute steal. It took me a bit, but if I can get round it to seeing it's a good deal (with no risk) then others should be able to.

With my mini-rant over. Michael Owen isn't the only news recently. Here's some more;

We've knicked yet another Italian and possibly enraged the Pope, as much like Rossi, Macheda and Petrucci before him. Empoli's Alberto Massaci has joinned up. If Carlos Alberto thinks we're still raping Brazil then I don't want to know what we're doing to Italy.

Aswell as that we've also got Charlton Athletics' Sean McGinty. I know nothing about him. I can't think of anything interesting to say about it.

This bloggers' favourite player, pretend-Italian Rodrigo Possebon (sing the song, now!) has joined Braga on loan. Which is a shame as we won't get his floppy hair and amazing chant all season now.

Tevez says if he scores against United (assuming that someone actually signs him) then he's going to shout in Fergusons face. I'm absoultely certain no one since Mama Fergie in about 1947 has done this. I really don't think he'll be winning that one, Tevez. And until he actually gets a club I suppose he's just going to have to do it on FIFA or Pro Evo.

John Terry said he could have beaten United in the last Champions League final. I could have won Le Mans 24/7 also if I knew how to drive.

So with Antonio Valencia, Michael Owen and some kids. Who's next for United? Can we expect a big signing? Questions, questons.

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#6 - Action

2009-07-02T04:47:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. Be careful what you wish for.

After my moaning and complaining about lack of news recently, now there's a stack load of it on my desk. Not literally, my desk is actually full of empty bottles of many varieties. I just thought that would make me sound professional. Anyway.

With Real Madrid now totaling up their summer spends to £180,000,000. €210,000,000. $295,000,000. Z$127,000,000,000. My current theory is that Florentino Perez's excrement (pictured) is solid gold.

Shortly after United announced the absolutely obvious signing for Antonio Valencia from Dave Whelan FC, Real Madrid announced they had spent £30m (possibly rising to £35m) on Karim Benzema. Offering £6m more than United.. an apparently £80m+ transfer budget club, could produce. Now my maths has rapidly deteriorated since school but I'm pretty sure we could have afforded that no problem. If only we'd offered them Fraizer Campbell on loan for a year, ey?
Still. I'll let the serious bloggers talk about finances and what colour shoe laces the Glazers wear.

Of course, all knee-jerkers and nay-sayers will be predicting doom and gloom for us for the next century. Though personally I think it's a blessing in disguise. He always wanted to go to Madrid, did we need another player "doing a Ronaldo"? Absoultely not.

Speaking of "doing a Ronaldo", Bayern Munchen fans no doubt feel our frustration as Frank Ribery says he wants to go to Real Madrid, and only Madrid. Not Celta Vigo, Madrid. Not Mallorca, Madrid. Assuming Perez pulls out more money from you-know-where this will leave Real Madrid with about 50 players and only 25 to chose from for their actual league squad. Some good players will have to leave. Let's hope we can snag Gonzalo Higuian.

Another one of a million transfer targets, David Villa has apparently told Barca director Txiqui Begiristain that he will only join Barca in a secret meeting. Which clearly, is not so secret if I know about it. Anyone with any idea how to pronounce Txiqui, I'd be glad to hear it.

Fraizer Campbell is so close to joining Hull City right now he can hear Phil Brown's glorious signing voice and smell his fake tan lotion.

Lee Martin is another ex-United player on his way to join Roy Keane's Ipswich Town. Is Keane is just too lazy to search for players anywhere else?

With all this nish-nishing to United in the transfer market. Is it just me that expects a vagary transfer? (Dictionary.com's Word of the Day)

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#5 - Purgatory

2009-06-30T06:04:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. Surely something interesting will happen soon?

With all peoples eyes on Wimbledon and also their pale skin as it burns in the limited days of English summer people seem to have forgotten football. Even the creative forces behind transfer rumours seem to have instead been out in a beer garden. Perhaps making rumours about the pub being sold to another pub. With this in mind. I have little to work with.

The only news (if it really is news) is that we seem to have edged one step closer to the inevitable transfer for of Antonio Valencia (pictured) from Dave Whelan FC. Which is probably what he is going to rebrand it too. Although, in fairness to Dave Whelan his role as for this transfer is probably the exact opposite of Daniel Levy's escapades in previous seasons. With the £16m figure seeming the most likely.. many may think this is a large amount for a winger who's goal scoring tally isn't too high and with no real top class expierence. Though surely in this season of credit-crunch busting transfers the £16m looks more like the £500,000 figures of two years ago?

In other news.. um.. is there any? I'll try and scrape the barrel.

Carlos Tevez (who can't stop talking lately) claimed he should have started in the Champions League final. Forgetting his 3 sitters he missed a year before in the same final.

Probably former Manchester United player Fraizer Campbell's England U-21's were trashed in the final. Campbell of course didn't play after being sent off.. so really it's not that interesting United-related news.

The possible transfer of Karim Benzema becomes a little more likely as Lyon manager Claude Puel says he isn't ruling out selling the forward. Though do we really want another striker who's going to mope around wanting to go to Madrid? Not to mention the comparisons to Cantona is surely something no one will be able to live up for. I don't think I'm going to be watching Looking for Benzema in 15 years time.

Scraping the barrel so much that I have cracked the bottom of it now; we (we're United by the way) are apprently going to try and sign Yaya Toure. Or is that Toure Yaya? Either way, good player as he is... I suppose this will only be likely of going through if Mascherano goes to Barcelona. If then.

This lack of football news is pretty devastating really. I'm pretty sure the presenters of Sky Sports News are smoking cigars and laughing in the direction of an empty Setanta Sports News studio which is now inhabited by homeless people and hopefully Steve McManaman.

I give up today.

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#4 - Yawn

2009-06-25T02:18:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. Don't you wish you could just hibernate until the entire transfer window is finished?

Whilst playing Monopoly there is always a situation where everybody has something everyone else wants. Everyone is far too stubborn to hand over the pink ones because people land on them a surprising amount of times so everyone is left with stand alone properties with no houses or hotels. That, is today's bizarre metaphor for United's recent attempt to sign anyone. Douglas (Pictured) Costa's club Gremio has at first seemingly rejected a £6.7m (About £4000 in monopoly money) bid. Then United decided to be gentle and try giving a trial (A get out of jail free card) to the lad. Still though, Gremio seem pretty insistent that he stays. Because Brazil has such a fantastic record at keeping clubs from hungry European clubs who like to feast on Brazilians.

Casillas obviously wants to stay at Madrid, Benzema doesn't seem to want to go anywhere, Valencia wants to decide his future at a later date (whilst no one is on the edge of their seat), Ribery wants to go to Real and David Villa is too busy grooming his soul patch. This could be one of the longest transfer windows for some time at this rate. I expect a final day madness which sends the FA's paperwork staff into simultaneous heart attacks.

Manchester City are apparently in "pole position" for Tevez's signature according to Sky Sports. I'm unsure how exactly they got there? What sort of qualifying lap do you need to do to get in pole position for a transfer?

Atletico Madrid have also ruled out a sale for Sergio Aguero. Though since we're £80m loaded now we could easily tackle the auto-accepted £stupid-amount-million asking price and they'd be non the wiser.

Jack Rodwell recently stated Rio Ferdinand was his hero. Does this mean that perhaps Tribalfootball has gotten a rumour right? Has the world gone completely potty?

In non United news. The signing of Glen Johnson to Liverpool seems pretty much done and dusted. Glen Johnson will move on a 6 month loan before Liverpool accept half as much as they purchased him for to take him away.

On a rare occasion I will actually talk about International football. Spain crashed out of the Confederations Cup 2-0 to the USA last night after a very deserved victory. The entire globe is amused.

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#3 - Regularity

2009-06-23T13:28:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. If people actually read it, you may as well write something semi-interesting.

With Setanta Sports (pictured live right now) losing it's rights to Premier League yesterday. Or maybe the day before. Maybe earlier. Today it has ceased transmission. Mickey Mouses' ESPN has taken over the rights for a few United games probably worth however much we have to pay. Unless everyone does what most people do now and just stream it from various sources. Most people though are just rejoicing on the streets that Steve McManaman will be nowhere near our television screens except from occasionally watching Premier League Years.

After alleging that United are "raping" brazillian football. Carlos Alberto will no doubt be horrified to hear the news of United being linked recently with every single brazillian player. Except Kleberson, obviously. Douglas Costa, Nilmar and Dodo being those most strongly linked with us. Who'd join up with Rafael, Fabio, Anderson and Rodrigo Possebon. Still compared to most clubs in Germany. Our "raping" of Brazil is surely just a little cheeky coping a feel of a breast? Surely more puling to come from Carlos Alberto. Pule is dictionary.com's word of the day.

In good news, Darron Gibson wants to extend his contract with us. This hopefully meaning we have a Darren Fletcher replacement ready, just in case he gets sent off for a brilliant tackle again.

Expected shortly is United being linked with every single dutch player coming out of Real Madrid. Ruud himself has called for an exodus of all dutch talent from Real Madrid. Except himself of course. Would a sneaky bid for Van der Vaart, Huntelaar, Wesley Sneijder (not Snipes) or Robben really be a bad thing? We know they're good players they're just no good under a rubbish Real Madrid side.

Steve Bruce is looking to increase the number of Sunderland's United linked stars to an even strangerly higher number with a swoop (why is the word swoop always used in these stories?) for Fraizer Campbell. Presumebly because they can both combine their surnames to form Bruce Campbell. The greatest actor of all time.

Lyon-born Lyon player Karim Benzema seems to want to stay at Lyon for another season. Before securing his dream move to Real Madrid, or Manchester United, or Barcelona, or Chelsea, or AC Milan, or Arsenal, or Interzationale, or CFR Cluj. Whichever club offers him the money and forces him to change his mind about what club he dreamed of as a boy.

So desperate was I for things to write about I resorted to.. Tribal Football. Yes, the Coronation Street of football rumours.

They seem to think we'll be after Everton's Jack Rodwell. Which means we are not after Everton's Jack Rodwell.

In international news...

No! Never!

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#2 - No Excuses

2009-06-22T01:30:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. I should be getting better at this.

So, with the official news that Carlos Tevez (pictured) will not be staying at Manchester United journalist, bloggers and myself are wondering what to write about for the upcoming months. With the two big ones of transfers almost certainly done and dusted there will soon be an escalation of transfer rumours.

Still, speculation will be strife as to why Tevez is leaving. Despite being able to speak about 3 words in as many years as he's stayed in England. Carlito really seems to love it here. So why did he leave? Well, as much as the claim about first team football may be raised, with Cristiano Ronaldo gone did he really think he wouldn't be getting more games? Or is it Kia Joorabchian. Who is almost certainly all about the money. Obviously, all we come clear with who exactly Tevez signs for. Stay tuned... find out on Sky Sports News first.. then come back here a few days later.

Karim Benzema, who has one of those infuriating shaven-lines-in-head bit seems to be the next moody striker on the way to Old Trafford. This will no doubt lead to a mood-off between Benzema and Berbatov. Which could only lead to certain destruction, or them starting a Shoe-Gaze band.

Franck Ribery still linked. Still looks like the "forgotten" Neville brother that was locked in a basement for years.

Other speculation links us with Samuel Eto'o'o'o'o'o'o'o! Who'o is quite good. Though surely won't be moving anywhere until Barca bring someone else in.

Probably-crap rumour as well saying Jose Mourinho (star of Special 1-TV) is trying to get Hard Bastard Kiko Macheda. No chance. I can say that for sure.

Saving the most insane piece of news to last. United have also been linked with a swoop for Iker Casillas. The best goalkeeper in the world. He has to be, to keep any cleansheets in front of defenders of the quality of Real Madrid for the last 5 or so years. Does anyone even remember when Cannavaro was good? Did we all just make it up?

In intertnational news...

Yawn...

No I can't bare to write about it. It's just not a fun subject.

What's unknown Portuguese winger doing? Who knows?

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#1 - The Pilot

2009-06-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. The one where Oceanic 815 crashes.

In the top 2 of all it-was-going-to-happen-eventually transfers. The other being Eric Djemba-Djemba's obvious transfer to Odense Boldklub. Should that be Boldklub? Real Madrid finally signed unknown Portuguese winger Cristiano Ronaldo (pictured) for £80,000,000. That is 4/5s of Newcastle United. Of course, this will get more media coverage than the second coming of Christ would, assuming there was a first. If it wasn't for the bottom bar of Sky Sports News, with all the coverage it was getting you would simply assume Ronaldo was dead. Ronaldo now joins Kaka in a team with no defence that will finish 2nd again behind Barcelona.

Rumours a plenty of course to where that £80m is going. David Villa? Franck Ribery? Antonio Valencia? Karim Benzema? Moritz Volz? I have no idea who it'll be spent on because I don't have "sources".

Still. I think it's only fair to get past the Ronaldo commotion and onto other news.

More rumours a plenty linking Nani with a move back to Sporting Clube de Portugal. Not Sporting Lisbon. No, not on this blog anyway. Either on loan, or as a swap for Joao Moutinho. Or any other ideas the media think will seem like a likely story. Of course, Nani deserves another season, where he could perhaps get into a redivivus spell of form. Redivivus is Dictionary.com's Word of the Day. I learned today.

In older news, animal lovers - rejoice. United are almost certain to have successfully revived the Dodo from extinction.

Carlos Tevez's transfer saga probably also had some sort of new change, but no one cares anymore.

Internationals. Now there's another subject. Which is so long and tedious I don't want to write about it. Though I will leave you with a very strange comparison.

Is Diego Maradona the Argentine answer to Alan Shearer?

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#0.2 - The Prototype

2009-06-04T18:47:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. The Police Squad! before the Naked Gun Trilogy.

There are two things certain in life; death and a summer saga involving Cristiano Ronaldo and Real Madrid. "Fresh" news for all then as newly elected (the only runner) President of Real Madrid, Florentino Perez has declared his interest in signing little-known Portuguese winger Cristiano Ronaldo. Having apparently signed Kaka from Jesus, Perez will be hoping to add Ronaldo on top of his first signing, "Chief of Staff" Manuel Pellegrini.

Not to be outdone by Perez, insane "not into 18-year old girls" Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced that Ronaldo said he wanted to join Milan. Though surely, this is a transfer unlikely to happen for 15 years as Ronaldo is allowed Milan's average age. Still it's a nice comment to try and make Rossoneri supporters completely forget that they're probably going to sell their best player just after getting rid of their coach.

Elsewhere in Manchester, financial rejoicing as Manchester United sign a record £20m a year deal with AON. The logo itself is incredibly simple and will no doubt be saving money in shirt printing. The days of the practically 3-D Vodafone logo are a distance past.

In more laughable news F.C. Barcelona and Aged Care Milan are apparently interested in signing Nemanja Vidic. If Patrice Evra's estimation of the need for a bazooka to be able to sign Cristiano Ronaldo is correct. Surely we're on the brink of nucelar war?

More talk in the Carlos Tevez transfer saga. Which is surely now football's longest running soap opera. I can only assume that [club] have confirmed interesting in Tevez. Where as Kia Joorabchian has confirmed interest in money.

Strange opinions of Frank Ribery continue to emerge as a possible successor to unknown Portuguese winger, Cristiano Ronaldo should he leave. Ribery who appears to join new clubs just for the thrill of it (or he's on the run from someone) would no doubt be a loyal servant to United. Really. Just ask, Boulogne, Ales, Brestois, Metz, Galatasaray, Marseille and Bayern Munich.

Still. On concrete news, Britain's Next Top Model Steve Bruce has given me reason to make another list as he joins Sunderland as manager. Making the list of former United players/staff associated with Sunderland in recent years become perhaps too obvious for the authorities. Really. Just ask, Roy Keane, Ricky Sbragia, Kieran Richardson, Phil Bardsley, Paul McShane, Dwight Yorke, Andy Cole, David Healy, Jonny Evans. Feel free to add your own.

Well. That'll end the Prototype of what could be an acceptable piece of blogging.

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#0.1 - Prologue

2009-06-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

A.K.A. Only Available to IMDb Pro Users.

As a man with far too much time on his hands and unhealthy obsession for Manchester United and amusing himself I decided that this semi-entertaining new recap would be the answer for me, and my creativity.

Hopefully, unlike many other projects I decide to start this will actually be sucsessful or at least given more than a few weeks affection.

The aim then, is to review the weeks football news (especially Manchester United) in something far more colourful than constantly watching Sky Sports News on repeat for 7 hours.

So without further delay, it's time for me to try out a prototype.

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