Not Dead

Nope, I'm not dead, but my laptop is (my reaction pictured)! Next post will probably be in a couple of weeks time.

When I'll be talking about Bebe's 7 goals against Everton, Anderson's clever ploys to hide his dreadlocks from Sir Alex, Paul Scholes as he picks out 1 bad pass... but it ends up to Rooney anyway, and Owen Hargreaves' new knee transplant... for the knees of a gazelle as well as the sensational the FIFA controversy on animal limb transplants - including Paddy Kenny's new pig skin face.

So stay tuned for that. It sounds like there will be an interesting couple of weeks ahead.

#40 - Wind

It was a homecoming for John O'Shea and Darron Gibson (full name: Darron Thomas Daniel Gibson Shoooooooot!). Except from all the other times they come home. The Airtricity League XI (team line up pictured) were unable to stop the United team with plenty of returns.

It was a bog standard friendly trashing if you don't count the fact the Park Ji-Sung scored a goal by closing down, Michael Owen didn't get injured - but in fact scored a goal - with a finish close to what we saw of Own Goal last season (where is he in pre-season?), and perhaps most extraordinary, the brilliant Antonio Valencia scored with his left foot. Well, in fact he didn't. Slowed down replays showed that in a split second Antonio Valencia surgically switching legs and moving his left on to his right and vice versa. Hernandez scored too, which puts him back into a +number after scoring against us brilliantly for Chivas a few days earlier.

So after a pre-season against mostly average-at-best opponents (Chivas Guadalajara, Copa Libertadores finalists this year, were our toughest opposition). The real test comes against Chelsea this weekend in the Wedon'tcare Community Shield. The outcome of which has no impact on anything. It's not even very useful as a shield.

Perhaps the thing to look forward to is the Newcastle United game on Monday 16th August. That's one day before my 22nd birthday. Not that I'm hinting anything but you can buy me stuff that's cool. Not that I'm hinting but I'd like an iPad, I wouldn't use it, but it'd be nice to say I have one.

On a side-note does anyone remember that last time United played in the Premier League on a monday? Prize to the winner. (Note: No actual prize)

In not-happening transfer news. United are still being linked with Mesut Ozil. So much so that I'm actually getting annoyed by the sound of Ozil's name right now. I'm pretty sure he's a myth.

Piotr Trochowski's agent has claimed that the 4ft10 Hamburg attacking midfielder is on United's radar. And whoever else will make Hamburg offer Trochowski get a bigger contract. Even though as a club, there is no money to go around.

The press are still showing they're brilliant at creating transfer rumours. Michael Owen's apparently going to Bristol City, alongside Trevor Sinclair, Danny Mills, Darius Vassell, and Nigel Martyn. Maybe Gareth Southgate if they're lucky.

Oh, and I don't care if Rooney smokes or pisses in the street. He's earnt it.

This blog has been brought to you by;

• Anderson's future F1 career.
• Burn Notice.
• Still laughing at the name Elite Squad.
  
• Oddly excited that the Northern Lights may be visible over Northern England tonight.
  
• The realisation that this blog is already 14 months old. This makes me Rossobianchi Writer of the Year, yay! My reward is Honey Loops.
  

#39 - All-Star

So, a 5-2 to hurrah over the MLS "All-Stars" (pictured [pick out Landon Donovan]) has changed many fans "Will they make it?" bickering about the young fledglings around. An example if there ever needed to be one of the inconsistency that almost all young players suffer. Before the game, after the 2-1 defeat by Kansas City Wizards. Yes, that's their real name. Many fans went ape-shit crazy believing all the young starlets to be no good. Now of course, they're bloody brilliant. Until that is, they're no good again.

Still, perception is needed, and although Kiko Macheda opened with an excellent finish after 22 seconds(!) - pouncing on a loose pass before sliding under the goalkeeper. We do need to remind ourselves that this All-Star goalkeeper is Donovan Ricketts. The closest Donovan Ricketts gets to an all star is with a pair of Converse.

It was though, a good game for goals and youngsters. Although Darron Gibson isn't exactly young at 22. These days you need to have won the Goldenboot at 14 before you're considered a wonderkid. Gibson smashed in a excellent freekick on the 70 minute mark. Most-likely-out-on-loan-but-looking-good Tom Cleverely scored possibly the best of the goals, after catching on to Fletchers flicked pass, he himself flicked the ball over excellently named "all-star" defender Wiman Conde Jr. before smashing the ball home with his right foot. Yes, it was a clever finish. Then game Chicarito's turn when another Fletcher ball set him through one on one with the keeper and he kept his cool lobbing from distance.

Of course, this is still pre-season and we shouldn't be getting excited about anything but the performance was a huge improvement after the defeat to the Kansas City Wizards. The Wizards incidently considering a team rename. I suggest Kansas City City. Or Kansas No-Not-the-Band-of-the-Same-Name.

In some more Youth action, the U18s failed to win a third Milk Cup in a row. A third Cravendale Milk Cup is almost certainly rewarded by the Golden Udder and the chance to keep the Milk Cup in trophy cabinet until it gets all sour and smelly. I have no more to say besides United youngster Donald Love is my new favourite player, purely based on name. I assume he's a mixture of Donald Draper and Dude Love. Although this almost certainly not true.

The Reserves scraped a win over Oxford United. Argh, just go read the ever-excellent United Youth blog already. Even if the name "United Youth" sounds like some sort of ultra right-wing Christian summer camp.

In older news, it's still hilarious that Manchester City named their Reserve side the Elite Squad. The Elite Squad, who are in fact not the Elite Squad until they are the first team, have declared they are in no way affiliated with Blazin' Squad, Police Squad or the J.O.B. Squad.

In some sort of horrible desperation I tried to find an interesting transfer rumour involving United. There are none. Not even on Tribal Football! It gets bad when even people who make up transfer rumours refuse to do so because they know your club is skint.

In uninteresting transfer rumours, Anders Lindegaard has been linked with a switch to Old Trafford, and wherever else. Don't even think of looking at Wikipedia because you don't know who is, neither does anyone else outside of Denmark and Norway. Lindegaard has been dubbed the "new Peter Schmeichel" as I assume anyone in Demark is dubbed aslong as they catch something and most importantly are not already Peter Schmeichel.

This blog has been brought to you by;

• One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
• The idea of: La Liga > Bundesliga > Premier League > Serie A
• Season 4 of Oz.
• My Twitter!
  

#38 - Return

What the? What the god damn hell is this? A blog?

So what's happened since I last posted (pictured)? Well it would take a very long to go through it all, especially since I've already forgotten most of what has happened so I'll try anyway:

UnitedtrashedACMilan4-0athomeandallwerehappythengoodthingskepthappeninguntilwe
lostawaytoBayernMunichathometoChelsea(wronged)andwonBayernathomebutloston
goaldifference.Goaldifferenceisastupidruleanyway.Thingswerestilllookinggoodforthe
leaguethoughuntilwedrewawaytoBlackburn.Blackburnisastupidplaceanyway.Thenwe
wontherestofthegamestotheendoftheseasonbutendedupfinishingsecond.ThenIwas
boredforagesbecausetherewasnogoodfootball.BenFosterleftforBirminghamandZoran
TosicleftforCSKA.Sixpeopleweresurprised.JackShephardmanagedtosavethecastof
LOSTitwasquitesad.ThentheworldcupstartedandonceagainEnglandwererubbish.
JohnTerrycontinuedtomakeanidiotoutofhimselfandsomehowCapellogotblamedfor
havingshitplayers.WayneRooneyalsogotblamedbutthatwasprobablyaninjurything.
ThenallTVpunditstotallyforgotthatDiegoForlanhadwontheGoldenBoottwicesincehe
leftOldTraffordandweretotallybemudbythefacthewasbrilliant.ThenSpainwonthe
WorldCupbecausethey'rethebestinternationalteamI'veeverseen.Unitedthenputina
bidforSneidjerwhichwaspitifulbuthenallofasuddensuchabiddidnotevenhappen.Owen
Hargreavesgotinjuredandweallgotabittearyforawhile.Thenwewereboredforabitand
theUnitedfinallyplayedagaininafriendlymatchandbeatCelticlikealways.

And that's how it will always be remembered. Now back to the present day.

Mario Ballotelli is being constantly linked with a move to a club in Manchester. Whether it's ourselves or City is another thing entirely. Hopefully he'll go to City where he can continue his role as constant thorn in the side of squad harmony. He was stopped in Milan by police for showing a cap gun out his car window. He'll soon learn about what a gun is if he tries that in any of the rough areas (most of the areas) near Eastlands.

More rumours ahoy, of course, and the usual suspects continue.

In fact, here's a shortlist of players we have been linked with because people are bored, and who we will not sign because we have no money:

Mario Ballotelli, Wesley Sneidjer, Luis Fabiano*, Joe Cole (obviously), Angel di Maria (obviously), Joao Moutinho (obviously), Raul, Jack Rodwell, Steven Jovetic, Raul Meireles, David de Gea, Alexis Sanchez, Bruno Alves, Mesut Ozil, Philip Lahm, Thomas Muller, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Manuel Neuer, David Hasselhoff, Franz Beckenbauer, and Herr Deutchsland o Bratwurst und Deutsch verschiedenen Stereotypen.

*who started his own rumours then signed for Sevilla and was proud of himself for crushing the rumours.

Matty James has unsurprisingly gone on loan to Preston North End. Where absolutely every other United reserve will soon be heading on loan until Ole Gunnar is left managing some 8 year olds. Except Danny Welbeck who seems to be going on loan to Sunderland where he'll sit on a bench waiting for Bent or Jones to get injured.

Of course there's even more fun into be had in rumours of players leaving Old Trafford. Nemanja Vidic, who was going to leave in 2007 is still being linked with a move away. Unlike Ronaldo when we all knew it was his dream to move to Real Madrid. All anyone really knows about Vidic's so called "desire to leave" is that his wife might not like Manchester all that much. Not sure why - Manchester is brilliant, we've got... er... Old Trafford, and er... er... a Hard Rock Cafe, and er... er... that's not the point!

Sky Sports produced a major lack of pun fun when running Danny Drinkwater's quotes about wanting to prove himself at United and nowhere mentioning that he was "thirsty for success".

So that's my post done, and part of my public service over.

This blog has been brought you by;

• 5 months of reader anticipation.
• Honey Loops
  
• Lack of real football.
  

#37 - Bumper

Dear readers (all 8 of you) I apologise for my laziness, but it's chronic. It's a disability really. Unfortunately people have little sympathy for it, espcially when it comes to giving out cash. So, with that out of the way, time to write. So, in optimistic fashion. Let's start with good news:

Owen Hargreaves (pictured) could be finally closer to to a return to reserves for his first game since 1984 for the Reserves against Mancester City Reserves. For those of you who don't remember Owen Hargreaves he was a catalyst in the 07-08 season as was capable of this. Also, he has the permission to shag many, many men's wives.

And the bad news, Michael Owen has been confirmed to be out for the rest of the season after his hamstring injury. He joins Anderson and John O'Shea who will also be missing over our most important period. Fortunately for Owen he's scored against City and in a League Cup final. Which is pretty good for a freebie who everyone expected to totally flop.

There's been some blame given to the pitch at Wembley stadium for the damage done to Mickey Owen. The pitch has declined to comment.

But, to go back to good news now and mess with your emotional stability. Kiko "Hard Bastard" Macheda could be back shortly too. The angular-faced italian will always be loved for this. With Welbeck out on loan and Owen out now, Macheda has only Diouf to compete with to get on the bench if Rooney and Berbatov are to start. This could will be the time for the little italian to show what he's made of.

So, how about last weekend then ey? Many people blame the Glazers for the ridiculous amount of debt but perhaps the price of silver polish and trophy cabinets are much more than we can imagine. As another League Cup is picked up and added to the list. For those who are counting, we are now 3 domestic trophies ahead of Liverpool and 39 ahead of Manchester City. That's a nice stat. You don't hear that on Match of the Day.

So. Is it time to start claiming that Wayne Rooney is the best striker in the world? Or has he been for some time?

For those interested in that kind of stuff, there was international football midweek. International friendlies even, to add to the tedium of it all. I can never get the spirit to talk about it. I do enjoy them and I do watch them, but like 90% of US sitcoms, my mind is entirely blank afterwards.

Nani has recommended Miguel Veloso for United sign. Unlike many other people who would recommend him, Nani has actually seen him play and didn't just sign him once on Football Manager. Sporting Clube de Portugal have been rather dire this season (despite their 3-0 wins over Porto and Everton recently) and now if anytime would be the best time to swoop for their players. Joao Moutinho is still excellent too. Then again, with Sporting recently becoming City's feeder club, would they be ok with selling players to us?

Oh, for those of you wanting to hear something about the Red Knights/MUST vs. Glazers confrontation. I couldn't tell you. I'm financially dyslexic. That's why I'm poor. This sadly has leg to the non-Sport members of the press to try and come up with football related puns to sound cool and hip with the normally uninterested football fans who will now be following. And embarassing like a Dad who tries to talk like Fresh Prince in front of his son's friends.

This blog was brought to you by;

• Playing Heavy Rain.
• Looking forward to Final Fantasy XIII.
• Having no John Terry jokes to tell because everyone's already said them all.
  

Almost

Super-mega-duper-awesom-o post, coming tomorrow. I just want to you all know that I am not dead.

#36 - Ginger

Ronaldinho is a very skillful player. He's scored brilliant goals [1][2][etc], and for some time was the greatest player on the planet. He almost even signed for Manchester United, the lucky lucky man. Unforunately he didn't. Fortunately we still have Paul Scholes (pictured). Who performed the most convincing trick that would make anyone has ever witnessed. He convinced many that he was actually trying to score with his right foot. In fact he shaped up his left peg at the most perfect angle to slip it past Dida's right hand post to score the equaliser. It was a world class dummy. The world doesn't even know it.

Don't tell me anything different.

Of course, that wasn't the full story of the match. Ronaldinho himself opened the scoring after it took a fortunate deflection off Carrick (or if you heard Andy Gray without watching the replays, Jonny Evans - several times - he almost made it sound like Ronaldinho intended it. Ronaldinho is not Scholes). From that point on our defence was as shaky as some shaky things doing the shaky-shaky during some sort of earthquake. Jonny Evans clearly looked quite intimidated by the San Siro. The even more intimidated by Sir Alex after quite the ear bashing and with more mentions of the word "fuck" than almost any episode of the brilliant The Thick of It. Then, the Ginger Ninja pounced!

So it stayed until half-time, in which hair dryers were turned on. There were short blackouts reported throughout Milan. Then came the second half. Wayne Rooney has pretty much turned into the complete package of a striker this season. Improving on an already brilliant template. Antonio Valencia came on for Nani, who although he didn't shine as he has done recently, didn't really get enough chances to run at Giuseppe Favalli, 103. Valencia it was who only a few minutes after he came off the bench dinked in a beautiful cross for Wayne Rooney to head it looping over Dida. Dinked is a real word, possibly. Then it was "big-game" or as I prefer to say "any-game" Darren Fletcher who as well as continuing to be a formidable engine in the middle put in a lovely ball for Rooney's second. From then on, with us playing incredibly better the game seemed like a formality. Even the second leg. That was until late on when Clarence Seedorf, 158, scored with a cheeky flick - though not as cheeky as Scholes. Late on Carrick was sent off for a second yellow on the grounds of pure pedanticalness. It probably was a second yellow, but it was also unnecessary. 3-2 the final score. Which would have all wanted before the match, but afterwards, sort of feel a bit annoyed about now. Still. We're in the driving seat now, and we know how to beat them. The stigma of the San Siro has ended.

Of course, many people will be wondering what happened to our second striker, Own Goal. Who wasn't playing last night. Which is especially surprising given his excellent run of form. His equaliser against Aston Villa was his 10th of the season. Eat your heart out, Dimitar.

The Villa match, a sort-of preview but-not-really of the upcoming League Cup final should have been our path to first place after Louis Saha scored twice to sink Chelsea. Alas, possibly due to Nani's stupid sending off (although we continued to be the better side) it only finished as a draw. Chelsea though, are definitely there for the taking. Especially with Ashley "phone" Cole out until possibly the end of the season.

In bizarre transfer news Mark Davies, the relatively competent Bolton midfielder is apparently being tracked by United and Liverpool. Considering he's not even good enough for Liverpool this is probably baloney. I imagine an agent has been wink-winking the press in hope of his player (and from that himself) getting a better contract. Or maybe it's the fact that it's his birthday tomorrow.

This blog has been brought to you by;

• Trying to do the "Scholes flick"/"Ninja dummy".
• Thinking Moho is the best place for small gigs in Manchester.
• Charlie Brooker's Newswipe.
• Being surprised that "pedanticalness" is the adjective form of "pedantic".