#51 - Easy

So, the United vs. Liverpool rivalry rolls on, except last weekend it came and went fairly unspectacularly. Once again, a team pretty much sort-of let us win without us really having to get out of first gear, or even neutral. We pretty much didn't even get in the car, but just search the directions then decided to call a taxi instead. Still, Liverpool (pictured) made it even easier then most teams this season by conceding a penalty and then getting their captain sent off before whining and going home to bounce back to a, er, 2-1 defeat away to Blackpool.

Was it a penalty? Probably, yes. Well, by the law, yes. For some reason in England there's a culture of what many commentators say "could have got away with it [a yellow]". Yes Agger and Gerrard could have both gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pesky rules! Agger did make contact with Dimitar Berbatov, and did not win the ball. Penalty. Doesn't matter if Berbatov was too lazy to stay on his feet and maybe possibly score/assist anyway. It's how the game is.

Gerrard's was a certain red though. Jim Beglin's not-at-all-bias "I feel a yellow should have sufficed" after ITV had already screened a few replays, which I assume he did not see. In fact, many replays later he moved slightly up the scale to "he has a case there, the referee". Yes, Jim. His main case is that the tackle was textbook for a red card offence. Two feet lunge off the ground. Maybe if Michael Carrick's leg was shattered all over the pitch Jim may have been inclined to think it was warranting a red card. It's not the aftermath that should decide the punishment, it's what action is actually done.

Besides those nothing incidents, possibly given too much screen time for an otherwise average game - Liverpool looked a shadow not just of their former selves, but also of a shadow of many other teams as well. Not that I *enjoy* sticking the knife into Liverpool, I bloody love it.

So, besides the League Cup (which we're not even too arsed about when we win it) United remain unbeaten since the Chelsea game at the back end of last season. Not too shabby.

Goalkeeper's have been hogging pages of the internet lately, with Anders Lindegaard arriving and being on the bench against Liverpool, Tommy K trying to push to become the team's goalkeeper and Rene Adler telling the world his love for the club. They just never shut up those goalkeepers, do they?

Speaking of not shutting up, Sky Sports News is delighted when David Beckham does ANYTHING they can get their hands on. Giving no interest to Serie A or MLS as Sky never does, when Becks comes back to England they feast around him like a group of hungry ducks around a lovely thick pack Warburton's* bread delivered by an old lady who gets caught up in the feeding frenzy. Or something like that. So David Beckham, who always likes to say he would never play for another English club, may well be on the way to Spurs. Should we care? Not really. We should cheer him, but for the most part, as much was we love him, he's had his day. Which is a sad thing to say considering what a legend he was for us. Sometimes he even made the England national team likable, no mean feet indeed.

(((*Wikipedia (as of posting) has an amusing unsourced "fact" of Warburton's saying they won a Bread World Cup (better than the Rugby World Cup) against 32 other types of bread. Now firstly, that would be mean 33 teams (of bread?!) - which doesn't make sense in a knockout-round way. And secondly, who would bother? Although, thirdly, I can understand why it would have won.)))

The press, despite Fergie's statement that we probably won't sign anyone, are still linking us with... anyone. Southampton's brilliantly named Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (apparently not a 19th century philosopher, despite the name) is apparently on his way to a bigger club. Don't pretend you have insightful thoughts on whether he's good enough, you don't know yet! He has though, been described as the "next Theo Walcott" which is a lazy description in itself. I can't wait for the "next Jamie O'Hara"s or "next Gavin McCann"s to start crawling out of the woodwork in a few years time. The "next" tag should purely be used, used again, and used yet again for Diego Maradona. Isn't that right, Aimar? Messi? Tevez? Aguero? Saviola? D'Alessandro? And the many other players missed out.

Speaking of people not knowing if a player is good or not yet... Federico Macheda! The "hard bastard" as Fergie has once described him has gone away to Sampdoria on loan until the end of the season and managed an assist on his first substitute appearance for the club. Kiko Macheda is said by some United fans to be: no-way near United quality, because he's frankly not won any ballon d'ors yet and he's already 16 years too old for us anyway...... or by some United fans as: deserving another 5-10 seasons in the Reserves just to really see if he is ready or not to cut it. I exaggerate, but on the internet, you can't really tell anyway.

So what next for United? A game away to probably-David-Beckham-less-Spurs. Which will be a hugely tough game and perhaps a major turning (or unturning?) point in the title race. And it's a sunday so Sky Sports will be on the very best to hyperbole it as GAME OF THE FUCKING MILLENNIUM.

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#49 - Shrug / #50 Rossobianchi Awards 2010

The snow in Manchester has finally melted. It's a fair amount warmer and no one fears instant death by slipping on ice anymore as they step out of the house. This isn't caused by global warming this time. No, thousands and thousands (millions?) of Manchester United fans (pictured) collectively shrugged their shoulders over the holiday season as they saw the club somehow hold a fantastic place in the league table. It's a bizarre situation that is making most people rewatch the league thus far to find out how exactly it's happened.

Or perhaps, on the run on to his 69th birthday and beyond, Sir Alex Ferguson has finally discovered that playing good football isn't actually necessary at all.

After a dodgy patch in Birmingham recently, culminating in an unlucky draw against Birmingham City and a lucky win against West Brom, United now stand top of the league, level on points with Manchester City, but with two games in hand over them as well as a superior goal difference.

Gary Neville too, ever the apprentice, shows that you no longer need to be able to play football to play football. It's genius, really.

But the fad of not needing to play football should come in handy actually, as our next game is against Stoke City Rugby League Club.

Moving on. It's a new year. Which means wasted breath and thought on New Year's Resolutions and pointless transfer speculation for an entire month, with United doing no major purchases in January since 2006. Now, as I do my best to put tabloid papers out of business I can tell you this from my "sources". No Ronaldinho, no Kaka, no David Beckham. No anybody! Except possibly a current nobody, who might, or might not, be a somebody in 2-3 years.

In fact, more likely is the excellently named Magnus Wolff Eikrem on his way back to Norway, striaght into the arms of the ever-lovely Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. Without ever being able to make an impact at the club, except when sitting on the substitute bench a few times.

Federico Macheda too, one excelling on the subs bench could well be on the way out on loan to either Lazio, Parma, Fiorentina, Juventus, or whoever Darren Ferguson manages next.

A recent interesting quote from Sir Alex Ferguson regarding a mystery player's agent demand an entire block of flats for a condition of an incoming player. We can only assume this player in question wasn't Nemanja Vidic, as there is no block of flats in Manchester stretching from the ground to the moon.

INTERMISSION.

Hurry up and win the Asian Cup, Ji!

PART TWO.

So, everyone, put on your penguin suits, it's time for the Rossobianchi Awards 2010 (prize pictured). Last year, only one award was given out, but this time I'm going with two. Simply because all it takes for me to do them is to write and think a little bit. Not even that much.

Rossobianchi Player of the Year 2010:
Originally the award was to be given to Dimitar Berbatov, for going from flop and classy bastard to simply classy bastard. The Berb has had a great 2010, especially the beginning of this season, ending this current year top goalscorer in the Premier League, and in our hearts, probably. Unfortunately though, Dimitar Berbatov told us all not to vote for him anymore. Well, actually he only meant in Bulgaria, but I rounded up to include the world. Berbasex is too classy for awards anyway.

So instead the award goes to another player who has stepped up in 2010, massively so too, Nani. The owner of the best statue ever is no doubt delighted with his award and would like to thank god, or whoever else. Maybe his agent. Definitely his teammates and manager. And without a doubt he'd like to thank me for giving him this award. Nani's assists in particular have been exception with 15 last season and 11 already so far this season.
Runner Up: Nemanja Vidic.
(2009 Winner - Patrice Evra)

Rossobianchi Obligatory Award for Patrice Evra 2010:

Winner: Patrice Evra.
Runner Up: Ji-Sung Park
Third Place: Rafael da Silva

So there it is! It was a glitzy night, and all the stars were out but the Rossobianchi awards still produced a homely atmosphere. So, here's 2011, where my waste of space resolution is to try and update this more.

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#48 - Dances

And once again United are back to drawing. After sort-of drawing against Blackpool (since neither team failed to play, no one is currently winning) due to Bloomfield Road (pictured) failing to cope with a small bit of awful weather and again tonight a 1-1 draw with Valencia at home. Although the draw it self is no big deal, with both teams already assured a place in the finals, it only meant we're going to be playing slightly less difficult teams.

Michael Carrick decided to test everyone's patience by essentially giving away the first goal, much like God tested Abraham. Except Michael Carrick is actually real.

It was up to Anderson, the man only slightly more likely than Ben Amos to score, to grab the goal. Anderson putting in a superb performance that we were used to in 2008 but then forgot happened again until now. Dimitar Berbatov proved to everyone he wasn't all about scoring 5 goals and was still brilliant at not scoring 5 goals too. Pure class, the lad.

In slightly more worrying news, Rio Ferdinand was substituted injured, although apparently a mere precaution with a MONDAYNIGHTFOOTBALL!! (as Sky like to call it) returning (did it ever really start to begin with?) as we take on Arsenal who are top of the table since Blackpool couldn't be bothered to use their money received from being promoted into building a pitch worthy of top flight football.

So after our game against Valencia, here are my ratings for the team, which they will take to heart no doubt. Possibly affecting their entire lives.

Ben Amos - 7 nervous goalkeepers out of 10

Rafael da Silva - 9 maybeitwasFabio?s out of 10

Rio Ferdinand - 7 tweets out of 10

Nemanja Vidic - 7 kills out of 10

Fabio da Silva 8 maybeitwasRafael?s out of 10

Nani - 6 unnecessary tricks out of 10

Anderson - 9.5 terrible-for-a-brazilian dance moves out of 10

Michaek Carrick - 6.1 groans out of 10

Ji-Sung Park - 7.6 million shirts sold out of 10 million

Dimitar Berbatov - 7 no need to bother scoring this chance out of 10

Wayne Rooney - 7 haveyouforgotyet?s out of 10

Substitutes:

Chris Smalling - 6 slightly worried gasps out of 10

Ryan Giggs - 6 just making this appearances record even more silly out of 10


I almost game Nemanja Vidic an 11 out of pure fear.

For those of you who missed out on the Jigsaw of Phil Townsend, Communications Director of Manchester United - which is now apparently sold out, christmas rush and all, on Amazing. There are other jigsaws you could buy for your friends and loved ones, how about PLC Chairman Roy Gardner, A Wilkinson Sword Advert from Over 10 Years Ago, Dietician Trevor Lee (Conveniently sat next to fruit), Ex-Academy Player Jamie Mullan or Finance Director Nick Humby

So, with our current Russian climate here in Manchester, so you think we can get a few games for the 2018 world cup?

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Other Stuff

Just so you know, I've done a piece of on the Real Madrid yellow card fiasco (which is probably entirely overshadowed by tonight's clasico result).

You can read it here.

I may well do more for whoever if they want it.

I'm plugging!

#47 - Seven

There was another draw this weekend for Manchester United, but it was in the FA Cup (pictured - I have no idea who that kid is, but he does look like the FA Cup - I posted an example of the FA Cup so I'm not just a guy who posts a photo of some random child). As United got a home draw to mid-table strugglers, Liverpool.

The most important news of the week in a weekend with less clean sheets then your bog-standard average brothel was of course that thanks to a 7-1 drubbing of future Internazionale or Real Madrid (or both) manager, Sam Allardyce's Blackburn Rovers.

Dimitar Berbatov got a record (for a foreign player) 5 goals, although knowing the eternal style and class of Dimitar Berbatov he probably only did it as a tribute to his favourite Beethoven symphony. Or perhaps Berbatov is just trying to get all his goals out of the way in one go so he can spend the rest of the season relaxing and eating caviar.

It also marked the first game in which Anderson became less obsessed with "Fuck fuck fuck" and back to playing the kind of football we all knew he was capable of.

United also this week completed the signing of Anders Lindegaard for an undisclosed fee. No doubt Anders' former club Aalesund will be hoping it's not undisclosed to them. The Denmark international may well be in charge of gaarding the United goal after Van Der Sars retirement, 6 years from now.

Understandably it's hard for most UK based media outlets to know anything about football in Denmark or Norway, where Aaesund are from, meaning BBC also struggled to come up with a good quote for 606 on their report of the signing. Opting to go with this user's quote "Personally a good signing, I watched one of his games, he is very good on his toes". The user admitting their to only seeing one of Lindegaard's matches. A full one more than many. Of course, as far as Sir Alex is concerned lately, watching players isn't that important. As in the case of Bebe.

The signing of Lindegaard though, of course adds to the possibility of Edwin Van Der Sar, the first ever goalkeeper in football, being likely to retire at the end of the season. A day that should be annually celebrated with recreations of the Anelka penalty save by all the world's citizens.

Oh. And here's your Christmas Gift, everyone. Enjoy.

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#46 - Draws

More draws than an Ikea catalogue. More draws than Art Attack. More draws than a spaghetti western. More drawing then the end of Braveheart. More equality than Affirmative Action.

There's are all terrible jokes to impress your friends about the recent form of Manchester United. With more D's than an issue of playboy.

I will stop now. This isn't the jokes-not-even-James-Richardson-would-say blog. Although that would be a good blog.

United had come off the possibly dullest game of the season that doesn't involve Deportivo la Coruna against Manchester City in which they had been slightly the better side. The 3 men in the midfield easily matching up if not bettering City's more defensive-minded midfielders.

The momentum of this draw was carried on after being battered by a young Aston Villa side "hard bastard" Kiko Macheda and the obvious basis for Bryan Fury, Nemanja Vidic got two goals back to equalise and keep the good streak up. The term "Shit Invincibles" is being branded around, and it's not too far off. We've the most clear as day below par midfield out of the bigger teams and probably need to be playing the 4-5-1/4-3-3 for every game that's not against a bunch of peons.

The draw though, wasn't a disaster. Thanks to Steve Bruce, Kieran Richardson, Danny Welbeck, and probably a fair few other United and ex-United men's Sunderland. They romped to a 3-0 victory over an absent (though not literally) Chelsea side. Welbeck bagging the third and Zenden also making all white men sigh as the whitey-can't-dance cliche lives on forever more.

News now focuses on Wayne Rooney's probable return against Wigan Athletic. A return that will be greeted likely with cheers and jeers. It's entirely handly that those two words rhyme. Assuming he had a succesful stay in Nike Town. Which I assume is a lot like Adidas City or possibly Legoland.

News as well that the beloved Glazers have payed off the £220m PIK loan. I don't have any idea what this means so for better analysis.. read a newspaper or Andersred. I'll just shrug and agree with whatever everyone else says.

So now what to do? Well it's an International Break so it's best to do just go to sleep until Friday. Games so dull, it's absorbed all my energy. Night night.

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#45 - Resurrection

Many may not know this but back in my day there was a strong brave player called Owen Hargreaves (pictured - old game covers a current theme). He had curly hair made of tungsten and breathed fire out of his mouth. He had 17 different accents which he used simultaneously, whilst still managing to sound a bit like Ryan Giggs. He was everyone's favourite England player, which made sense since he's a Canadian. And his Dad is from Bolton. Which means half of his body is made up of pasties. Probably his knees. And on the Saturday he was briefly resurrected.

Manchester United had come off a 3-2 away win to Rochdale. Wait? What? Nevermind.

Manchester United had come off a 3-0 away win to Bursaspor. Which is maybe Turkey's Rochdale. Obertan, Bebe, and *thick scottish accent* DARREN FLETCHAR! scoring the 3 goals in what was a relatively easy win and pretty much all but puts us through into the group stages.

Sam the Eagle's Wolverhampton Wanderers have been tricky opponents to ourselves in the Carling Cup as well as Chelsea earlier in the league and this game was no different.

Fortunately we have Ji-Sung Park, recipient of the 2010 Award for Most Slagged Off United Player Not Called John O'Shea or Darron Gibson or Despite Not Being at the Club Anymore, Mikael Silvestre. An award mostly won by Mikael Silvestre anyway. It was Park's late, late winner that gave us the 3 points so we could put our feet up and watch Chelsea play dire against Liverpool. Who were nice enough to do us the favour they should have done for us last season. Swines.

Of course all the talk of the match is the 5 minute cameo of Owen Hargreaves. In which not much really happened but his knees didn't implode on pitch as many had noticed. And unlike my earlier prediction his knees weren't transplanted with those of a gazelle. Still, I have a better made up rumour count then Goal.com.

It will no doubt strike many as odd that Hargo Embargo was thrown into the mix from the start without any reserve team football. It worked on Football Manager but probably not in real life, as we saw.

Bebe probably made the front page of the Daily Mail.. I mean Daily Heil.. no wait, Daily Mail. No actually, it is definitely called the Daily Heil, isn't it? That makes the most sense. Anyway as Bebe failed to score 9 goals in one of his first Premier League start we're all 100% sure he is a waste of money and we should throw him on the street so he can get beg me for money whilst I queue outside for a gig at Manchester Academy and have to remain very still in fear of him hearing the mass amount of change in my pockets jingle as I tell him "No, I don't have any money". In all due fairness, I'm not often at Academy.

Now we can all look forward to Wednesday's match against Bitter City. Who despite being able to beat West Brom aren't looking like whatever hyper bole Gary Cook gave them whenever. You know what I mean. He says lots of stupid stuff. Mario Balotelli could be out after his straight red, but probably not. That's how much sense the FA make.

Still seeing Tevez score before a Darren Fletcher brace, another Tevez goal and then a Chicharito winner should be fun for a wednesday evening in.

In genuinely great news, Antonio Valencia could be back as early as the end of February.

What's a Wayne Rooney?

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