#44 - Saga

So. How about that then, ey? For those who missed it here's the complete Wayne Rooney Saga by Leo Tolstoy.

19th August 2010

6:09: A party erupts on the streets of Sao Paolo.

9:15: Sir Alex, set to hand Manchester United legend, Rodrigo Possebon an incredible £250,000 a week contract for ten years is dismayed after discovering the world's greatest player has been transferred behind his back to Santos.

9:27: Sir Alex breaks world record for consistent swearing after finding out that Rodrigo Possebon was not sold for the £190m valuation.

11:23: Word breaks out amongst the rest of the players as the news of Possebon's departure sweeps the globe. Obertan though, seems remarkably controlled in his emotions, although is heard singing a very similar version of the Possebon song to himself.. possibly the Nicky Butt version.

11:49: Patrice Evra does something legendary.

13:36: Gary Neville is seen having a long talk with Wayne Rooney.

15:30: Paul Scholes picks up his kids from school. Tells them his day was "alright really".

18:00: Paul Scholes watches The Weakest Link. Sir Alex remembers that Possebon again and starts swearing.

20:09: Sir Alex calms down once more.

21st August 2010

12:32: Wayne Rooney meets up with his agent. Claims to be escorted by his "cousin".

22nd August 2010

10:09: Wayne Rooney misses the game against Fulham with an alleged stomach bug.

23rd August 2010

14:09: Wayne Rooney and Paul Stretford meet up with David Gill, Sir Alex Ferguson. Oliver Gill and Darren Ferguson also attend due to Old Trafford's bi-annual 'Bring Your Son to Work Day'.

14:13: Oliver Gill makes a faux pas. Is sent home.

16:33: Both parties leave the meeting unhappy. David Gill smacks Oliver Gill round the back of his head and sends him to bed early.

21:00: Paul Scholes goes to sleep. Accidently fouls his wife.

23:23: Gary Neville rings Wayne Rooney

26th August 2010

16:29: Owen Hargreaves rings me up telling me to stop stalking him. I breathe heavily into my phone for some time. Owen Hargreaves hangs up.

27th August 2010

9:05: I am sent a restraining order to stay 100 miles of away from Owen Hargreaves. I fake my death.

5th September 2010

19:07: Reports of Wayne Rooney sleeping with prostitute open to the press. Anderson considers this a slow-news day.

19:09: Anderson contacts his 3rd prostitute of the day.

16 September 2010

9:46: Patrice Evra does something legendary.

19th September 2010

12:30: Nani is sick of puns on his name. Especially when Wayne Rooney and grandmas are mentioned.

12:30: Paul Scholes watched The Weakest Link. Realises his watch has lost time.

17th October 2010

21:19: Gary Neville is seen laughing like a maniac for no reason. No one disturbs him.

18th October 2010

19:03: First rumours of Wayne Rooney's departure circulate.

19th October 2010

15:06: Sir Alex explains Wayne Rooney is leaving Manchester United. All hell freezes over. Cats making love to dogs. Priests not molesting children. Time moving in a zigzag motion.

15:29: Scientists at CERN manage to correct the path of Spacetime and return it to normal. Mainly thanks to Brian Cox and his handsome Manc face.

16:30: No one is able to get any comment out of Gary Neville. Phil say's he has some comments to make, only Keith Gillespe will hear them, and not for free.

20th October

17:44: Wayne Rooney makes his own statement. The lack of "erm..." in said statement leads everyone to believe it was in fact written by his agent.

21st October

11:40: Gary Neville tells team-mates that it's in fact a club gathering vacation today. Hands out clothing, forces players to get on bus. Oliver Gill is still grounded and can't go.

21:50: 40 (out of a possible 42) balacava-clans make death threat outside Rooney home. Everyone is thankful that Gary... erm.. Fan #2 didn't do the spelling and Jonny Ev... Fan #23 knew well that You're means You Are. Not Your as Fan #2 thought.

22nd October 2010

12:49: Wayne Rooney signs 5 year contract.

12:50: Gary Neville is proud of himself.

1st January 2011

00:01: Rodrigo Possebon returns to Manchester United for £215m. Oliver Gill is loaned to his mother's house for the month.

28th May 2011

21:49: Rodrigo Possebon scores 6 in 6-0 win over Real Madrid in Champions League final to cap an incredible 17th trophies. Including La Liga and several X-Games wins.

3rd August 2016

07:00: Manchester United manager Gary Neville releases his memoir in which he reveals how he orchestrated the entire Wayne Rooney saga to convince the Glazers to resign Rodrigo Possebon. Although in his book he refuses to reveal why Oliver Gill is so secretly disliked by his dad.

Monumental.

This blog has been brought to you by;

• Sky Sports News yellow ticker overload.
• Being terrible at F1 2010.
  
• Remembering that the Office US is quite funny and must be rewatched.