Friday, 22 October 2010

#44 - Saga

So. How about that then, ey? For those who missed it here's the complete Wayne Rooney Saga by Leo Tolstoy.

19th August 2010

6:09: A party erupts on the streets of Sao Paolo.

9:15: Sir Alex, set to hand Manchester United legend, Rodrigo Possebon an incredible £250,000 a week contract for ten years is dismayed after discovering the world's greatest player has been transferred behind his back to Santos.

9:27: Sir Alex breaks world record for consistent swearing after finding out that Rodrigo Possebon was not sold for the £190m valuation.

11:23: Word breaks out amongst the rest of the players as the news of Possebon's departure sweeps the globe. Obertan though, seems remarkably controlled in his emotions, although is heard singing a very similar version of the Possebon song to himself.. possibly the Nicky Butt version.

11:49: Patrice Evra does something legendary.

13:36: Gary Neville is seen having a long talk with Wayne Rooney.

15:30: Paul Scholes picks up his kids from school. Tells them his day was "alright really".

18:00: Paul Scholes watches The Weakest Link. Sir Alex remembers that Possebon again and starts swearing.

20:09: Sir Alex calms down once more.

21st August 2010

12:32: Wayne Rooney meets up with his agent. Claims to be escorted by his "cousin".

22nd August 2010

10:09: Wayne Rooney misses the game against Fulham with an alleged stomach bug.

23rd August 2010

14:09: Wayne Rooney and Paul Stretford meet up with David Gill, Sir Alex Ferguson. Oliver Gill and Darren Ferguson also attend due to Old Trafford's bi-annual 'Bring Your Son to Work Day'.

14:13: Oliver Gill makes a faux pas. Is sent home.

16:33: Both parties leave the meeting unhappy. David Gill smacks Oliver Gill round the back of his head and sends him to bed early.

21:00: Paul Scholes goes to sleep. Accidently fouls his wife.

23:23: Gary Neville rings Wayne Rooney

26th August 2010

16:29: Owen Hargreaves rings me up telling me to stop stalking him. I breathe heavily into my phone for some time. Owen Hargreaves hangs up.

27th August 2010

9:05: I am sent a restraining order to stay 100 miles of away from Owen Hargreaves. I fake my death.

5th September 2010

19:07: Reports of Wayne Rooney sleeping with prostitute open to the press. Anderson considers this a slow-news day.

19:09: Anderson contacts his 3rd prostitute of the day.

16 September 2010

9:46: Patrice Evra does something legendary.

19th September 2010

12:30: Nani is sick of puns on his name. Especially when Wayne Rooney and grandmas are mentioned.

12:30: Paul Scholes watched The Weakest Link. Realises his watch has lost time.

17th October 2010

21:19: Gary Neville is seen laughing like a maniac for no reason. No one disturbs him.

18th October 2010

19:03: First rumours of Wayne Rooney's departure circulate.

19th October 2010

15:06: Sir Alex explains Wayne Rooney is leaving Manchester United. All hell freezes over. Cats making love to dogs. Priests not molesting children. Time moving in a zigzag motion.

15:29: Scientists at CERN manage to correct the path of Spacetime and return it to normal. Mainly thanks to Brian Cox and his handsome Manc face.

16:30: No one is able to get any comment out of Gary Neville. Phil say's he has some comments to make, only Keith Gillespe will hear them, and not for free.

20th October

17:44: Wayne Rooney makes his own statement. The lack of "erm..." in said statement leads everyone to believe it was in fact written by his agent.

21st October

11:40: Gary Neville tells team-mates that it's in fact a club gathering vacation today. Hands out clothing, forces players to get on bus. Oliver Gill is still grounded and can't go.

21:50: 40 (out of a possible 42) balacava-clans make death threat outside Rooney home. Everyone is thankful that Gary... erm.. Fan #2 didn't do the spelling and Jonny Ev... Fan #23 knew well that You're means You Are. Not Your as Fan #2 thought.

22nd October 2010

12:49: Wayne Rooney signs 5 year contract.

12:50: Gary Neville is proud of himself.

1st January 2011

00:01: Rodrigo Possebon returns to Manchester United for £215m. Oliver Gill is loaned to his mother's house for the month.

28th May 2011

21:49: Rodrigo Possebon scores 6 in 6-0 win over Real Madrid in Champions League final to cap an incredible 17th trophies. Including La Liga and several X-Games wins.

3rd August 2016

07:00: Manchester United manager Gary Neville releases his memoir in which he reveals how he orchestrated the entire Wayne Rooney saga to convince the Glazers to resign Rodrigo Possebon. Although in his book he refuses to reveal why Oliver Gill is so secretly disliked by his dad.


This blog has been brought to you by;
  • Sky Sports News yellow ticker overload.
  • Being terrible at F1 2010.
  • Remembering that the Office US is quite funny and must be rewatched.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

#43 - Invincibles

Once again, not a single team in the universe can defeat Manchester United this season. Some have tried, but none have yet succeeded. Maybe fellow Invincibles QPR could come close, but it would almost certainly be a draw after a United 2-0 or 3-0 lead and numerous defensive errors.

Although the West Brom match result is on the back burner as..


Or at least that's the general gist of the numerous stories that are coming out, and will inevitably continue to be "exclusively broken" by whoever. With absolutely zero real information. My insider says Fergie still thinks Chris Eagles is at the club and tried to select him this weekend but assumed since he'd not seen him around anywhere lately, he must have be injured.

Still. Say that this story getting out isn't a nicely convenient way for Rooney and his agent to get whatever it was they demand in contract negotiations whilst David Gill shakes his head and tries to strike off as many zeros as possible.

And, if Wayne Rooney does indeed want to leave for City or Madrid.. or whoever. Will it be a bad thing? Rooney's been looking completely uninterested (like Ronaldo did, but Ronaldo continued to be brilliant) whilst Chicharito and Berbatov are looking very good maybe now is the time to cash-in. Then hopefully, finally, get a bloody midfielder. I'm free, and will play for free. I just have some... fitness issues. Oh, and chronic laziness. So I'm a bit like Riquelme then. (Note: Juan Roman Riquelme is actually a footballing genius)

So. Say Rooney leaves, who would replace him? Benzema? Rossi? Forlan? Cheapstrikerwe'venotheardofyet? You better believe it'll be him.

Anderson had to deny reports (which have been going on for a few years) that he was to leave to return to Porto. Anderson will no doubt be annoyed that Rooney has stolen his thunder.

At least when Own Goal is out of form he shuts up about it.

This blog is brought to you by;
  • Wayne Rooney this, Wayne Rooney that.
  • Being relatively certain we will not draw with Bursaspor.

Friday, 8 October 2010

#42 - Leeches

After spending the last few days enjoying the misery of Liverpool it comes time once again to remember just how much shit we are in at the moment.

I tried as hard as possible to write a meaningful critique of the Glazers (pictured), but a) I'm terrible at reading or understanding finances and b) Many other blogs will do this much better. Either way, it makes for depressing reading. The £80,000,000 loss though could soon be wiped out with a winning EuroMillions ticket for tonight's draw giving us a £32,000,000 profit! Failing that, a bloody global uprising that would wipe-out any form of currency and replace it with a barter economy could well be positive for us.

Still upon first reading it's not as bad (although still very bad) as it could have been. A large chunk (£60m) of the loss was a one-off payment meaning next years' loss could just be £20m (or profit if we sell a good player). 'Cause that's how you run a good business.

The Green and Gold campaign has done very little, unfortunately. It's too small a minority in a huge world-wide fanbase. This is one of the few downsides of how big the club has become. MUST seems quite stagnant and the Red Knights are presumably AWOL. We the fans, need something new, and something with more impact.

On a much, much lighter and even more obvious note. Wayne Rooney is a chav. This common news known to all became even more shocking once read by the press, who forgot this was the case and were outraged that the young Roman, Kiko Macheda would say such a "vulgur" (see what I did?) insult to this countries fine young, Oxbridge-esque Wayne Rooney Esq.

There's slow news days and then there's no news days. From poor translation to missing the entire quote (Macheda describe himself as a coatto too) to no research (Totti is a self-described coatto and plays to it in the media) to obvious sensationalising in the media. Whoddafunkit?

Kiko of course, tried his best to clarify his comments today and probably did so - the Mail said today some reporters translated the word as 'vulgur' not mentioning themselves of course. I know, another Daily Mail dig, but c'mon, it's easy.

Edwin Van Der Sar who made his professional debut for Ajax before the coatto Macheda was even born has nish-nished any talk of him retiring. Forcing Tomasz Kuszczak to punch a wall.. and probably injure himself for the next game anyway.

Well. Now what to do? We've already wept about the Glazers, been annoyed by fans who wear new shirt/g&g scraft combo and wondered what other players are chavs. International football, that's what. I know, I know it's just not as fun but it will have to do.

Until post-Stoke City game on the 16th (another 3pm Saturday game?! Sky, are you awake?) unless some big news story (I heard from an insider that Owen Hargreaves knees are now so good that they've grown new knees underneath... which will need removing and he will be having surgery and should be back next year) happens that I can write about.. Peace, y'all.

This blog has been brought you by;
  • Playing FIFA 11... not doing well at it. (PS3: mevsmorrissey)
  • Spending future EuroMillions win.
  • I'll say whatever your commerical product is here for £9,000,000! Enquire now... and reach all 16 readers!