Tuesday, 7 December 2010

#48 - Dances

And once again United are back to drawing. After sort-of drawing against Blackpool (since neither team failed to play, no one is currently winning) due to Bloomfield Road (pictured) failing to cope with a small bit of awful weather and again tonight a 1-1 draw with Valencia at home. Although the draw it self is no big deal, with both teams already assured a place in the finals, it only meant we're going to be playing slightly less difficult teams.

Michael Carrick decided to test everyone's patience by essentially giving away the first goal, much like God tested Abraham. Except Michael Carrick is actually real.

It was up to Anderson, the man only slightly more likely than Ben Amos to score, to grab the goal. Anderson putting in a superb performance that we were used to in 2008 but then forgot happened again until now. Dimitar Berbatov proved to everyone he wasn't all about scoring 5 goals and was still brilliant at not scoring 5 goals too. Pure class, the lad.

In slightly more worrying news, Rio Ferdinand was substituted injured, although apparently a mere precaution with a MONDAYNIGHTFOOTBALL!! (as Sky like to call it) returning (did it ever really start to begin with?) as we take on Arsenal who are top of the table since Blackpool couldn't be bothered to use their money received from being promoted into building a pitch worthy of top flight football.

So after our game against Valencia, here are my ratings for the team, which they will take to heart no doubt. Possibly affecting their entire lives.

Ben Amos - 7 nervous goalkeepers out of 10

Rafael da Silva - 9 maybeitwasFabio?s out of 10

Rio Ferdinand - 7 tweets out of 10

Nemanja Vidic - 7 kills out of 10

Fabio da Silva 8 maybeitwasRafael?s out of 10

Nani - 6 unnecessary tricks out of 10

Anderson - 9.5 terrible-for-a-brazilian dance moves out of 10

Michaek Carrick - 6.1 groans out of 10

Ji-Sung Park - 7.6 million shirts sold out of 10 million

Dimitar Berbatov - 7 no need to bother scoring this chance out of 10

Wayne Rooney - 7 haveyouforgotyet?s out of 10


Chris Smalling - 6 slightly worried gasps out of 10

Ryan Giggs - 6 just making this appearances record even more silly out of 10

I almost game Nemanja Vidic an 11 out of pure fear.

For those of you who missed out on the Jigsaw of Phil Townsend, Communications Director of Manchester United - which is now apparently sold out, christmas rush and all, on Amazing. There are other jigsaws you could buy for your friends and loved ones, how about PLC Chairman Roy Gardner, A Wilkinson Sword Advert from Over 10 Years Ago, Dietician Trevor Lee (Conveniently sat next to fruit), Ex-Academy Player Jamie Mullan or Finance Director Nick Humby

So, with our current Russian climate here in Manchester, so you think we can get a few games for the 2018 world cup?

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Monday, 29 November 2010

Other Stuff

Just so you know, I've done a piece of on the Real Madrid yellow card fiasco (which is probably entirely overshadowed by tonight's clasico result).

You can read it here.

I may well do more for whoever if they want it.

I'm plugging!

Sunday, 28 November 2010

#47 - Seven

There was another draw this weekend for Manchester United, but it was in the FA Cup (pictured - I have no idea who that kid is, but he does look like the FA Cup - I posted an example of the FA Cup so I'm not just a guy who posts a photo of some random child). As United got a home draw to mid-table strugglers, Liverpool.

The most important news of the week in a weekend with less clean sheets then your bog-standard average brothel was of course that thanks to a 7-1 drubbing of future Internazionale or Real Madrid (or both) manager, Sam Allardyce's Blackburn Rovers.

Dimitar Berbatov got a record (for a foreign player) 5 goals, although knowing the eternal style and class of Dimitar Berbatov he probably only did it as a tribute to his favourite Beethoven symphony. Or perhaps Berbatov is just trying to get all his goals out of the way in one go so he can spend the rest of the season relaxing and eating caviar.

It also marked the first game in which Anderson became less obsessed with "Fuck fuck fuck" and back to playing the kind of football we all knew he was capable of.

United also this week completed the signing of Anders Lindegaard for an undisclosed fee. No doubt Anders' former club Aalesund will be hoping it's not undisclosed to them. The Denmark international may well be in charge of gaarding the United goal after Van Der Sars retirement, 6 years from now.

Understandably it's hard for most UK based media outlets to know anything about football in Denmark or Norway, where Aaesund are from, meaning BBC also struggled to come up with a good quote for 606 on their report of the signing. Opting to go with this user's quote "
Personally a good signing, I watched one of his games, he is very good on his toes". The user admitting their to only seeing one of Lindegaard's matches. A full one more than many. Of course, as far as Sir Alex is concerned lately, watching players isn't that important. As in the case of Bebe.

The signing of Lindegaard though, of course adds to the possibility of Edwin Van Der Sar, the first ever goalkeeper in football, being likely to retire at the end of the season. A day that should be annually celebrated with recreations of the Anelka penalty save by all the world's citizens.

Oh. And here's your Christmas Gift, everyone. Enjoy.

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Monday, 15 November 2010

#46 - Draws

More draws than an Ikea catalogue. More draws than Art Attack. More draws than a spaghetti western. More drawing then the end of Braveheart. More equality than Affirmative Action.

There's are all terrible jokes to impress your friends about the recent form of Manchester United. With more D's than an issue of playboy.

I will stop now. This isn't the jokes-not-even-James-Richardson-would-say blog. Although that would be a good blog.

United had come off the possibly dullest game of the season that doesn't involve Deportivo la Coruna against Manchester City in which they had been slightly the better side. The 3 men in the midfield easily matching up if not bettering City's more defensive-minded midfielders.

The momentum of this draw was carried on after being battered by a young Aston Villa side "hard bastard" Kiko Macheda and the obvious basis for Bryan Fury, Nemanja Vidic got two goals back to equalise and keep the good streak up. The term "Shit Invincibles" is being branded around, and it's not too far off. We've the most clear as day below par midfield out of the bigger teams and probably need to be playing the 4-5-1/4-3-3 for every game that's not against a bunch of peons.

The draw though, wasn't a disaster. Thanks to Steve Bruce, Kieran Richardson, Danny Welbeck, and probably a fair few other United and ex-United men's Sunderland. They romped to a 3-0 victory over an absent (though not literally) Chelsea side. Welbeck bagging the third and Zenden also making all white men sigh as the whitey-can't-dance cliche lives on forever more.

News now focuses on Wayne Rooney's probable return against Wigan Athletic. A return that will be greeted likely with cheers and jeers. It's entirely handly that those two words rhyme. Assuming he had a succesful stay in Nike Town. Which I assume is a lot like Adidas City or possibly Legoland.

News as well that the beloved Glazers have payed off the £220m PIK loan. I don't have any idea what this means so for better analysis.. read a newspaper or Andersred. I'll just shrug and agree with whatever everyone else says.

So now what to do? Well it's an International Break so it's best to do just go to sleep until Friday. Games so dull, it's absorbed all my energy. Night night.

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Sunday, 7 November 2010

#45 - Resurrection

Many may not know this but back in my day there was a strong brave player called Owen Hargreaves (pictured - old game covers a current theme). He had curly hair made of tungsten and breathed fire out of his mouth. He had 17 different accents which he used simultaneously, whilst still managing to sound a bit like Ryan Giggs. He was everyone's favourite England player, which made sense since he's a Canadian. And his Dad is from Bolton. Which means half of his body is made up of pasties. Probably his knees. And on the Saturday he was briefly resurrected.

Manchester United had come off a 3-2 away win to Rochdale. Wait? What? Nevermind.

Manchester United had come off a 3-0 away win to Bursaspor. Which is maybe Turkey's Rochdale. Obertan, Bebe, and *thick scottish accent* DARREN FLETCHAR! scoring the 3 goals in what was a relatively easy win and pretty much all but puts us through into the group stages.

Sam the Eagle's Wolverhampton Wanderers have been tricky opponents to ourselves in the Carling Cup as well as Chelsea earlier in the league and this game was no different.

Fortunately we have Ji-Sung Park, recipient of the 2010 Award for Most Slagged Off United Player Not Called John O'Shea or Darron Gibson or Despite Not Being at the Club Anymore, Mikael Silvestre. An award mostly won by Mikael Silvestre anyway. It was Park's late, late winner that gave us the 3 points so we could put our feet up and watch Chelsea play dire against Liverpool. Who were nice enough to do us the favour they should have done for us last season. Swines.

Of course all the talk of the match is the 5 minute cameo of Owen Hargreaves. In which not much really happened but his knees didn't implode on pitch as many had noticed. And unlike my earlier prediction his knees weren't transplanted with those of a gazelle. Still, I have a better made up rumour count then Goal.com.

It will no doubt strike many as odd that Hargo Embargo was thrown into the mix from the start without any reserve team football. It worked on Football Manager but probably not in real life, as we saw.

Bebe probably made the front page of the Daily Mail.. I mean Daily Heil.. no wait, Daily Mail. No actually, it is definitely called the Daily Heil, isn't it? That makes the most sense. Anyway as Bebe failed to score 9 goals in one of his first Premier League start we're all 100% sure he is a waste of money and we should throw him on the street so he can get beg me for money whilst I queue outside for a gig at Manchester Academy and have to remain very still in fear of him hearing the mass amount of change in my pockets jingle as I tell him "No, I don't have any money". In all due fairness, I'm not often at Academy.

Now we can all look forward to Wednesday's match against Bitter City. Who despite being able to beat West Brom aren't looking like whatever hyper bole Gary Cook gave them whenever. You know what I mean. He says lots of stupid stuff. Mario Balotelli could be out after his straight red, but probably not. That's how much sense the FA make.

Still seeing Tevez score before a Darren Fletcher brace, another Tevez goal and then a Chicharito winner should be fun for a wednesday evening in.

In genuinely great news, Antonio Valencia could be back as early as the end of February.

What's a Wayne Rooney?

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Friday, 22 October 2010

#44 - Saga

So. How about that then, ey? For those who missed it here's the complete Wayne Rooney Saga by Leo Tolstoy.

19th August 2010

6:09: A party erupts on the streets of Sao Paolo.

9:15: Sir Alex, set to hand Manchester United legend, Rodrigo Possebon an incredible £250,000 a week contract for ten years is dismayed after discovering the world's greatest player has been transferred behind his back to Santos.

9:27: Sir Alex breaks world record for consistent swearing after finding out that Rodrigo Possebon was not sold for the £190m valuation.

11:23: Word breaks out amongst the rest of the players as the news of Possebon's departure sweeps the globe. Obertan though, seems remarkably controlled in his emotions, although is heard singing a very similar version of the Possebon song to himself.. possibly the Nicky Butt version.

11:49: Patrice Evra does something legendary.

13:36: Gary Neville is seen having a long talk with Wayne Rooney.

15:30: Paul Scholes picks up his kids from school. Tells them his day was "alright really".

18:00: Paul Scholes watches The Weakest Link. Sir Alex remembers that Possebon again and starts swearing.

20:09: Sir Alex calms down once more.

21st August 2010

12:32: Wayne Rooney meets up with his agent. Claims to be escorted by his "cousin".

22nd August 2010

10:09: Wayne Rooney misses the game against Fulham with an alleged stomach bug.

23rd August 2010

14:09: Wayne Rooney and Paul Stretford meet up with David Gill, Sir Alex Ferguson. Oliver Gill and Darren Ferguson also attend due to Old Trafford's bi-annual 'Bring Your Son to Work Day'.

14:13: Oliver Gill makes a faux pas. Is sent home.

16:33: Both parties leave the meeting unhappy. David Gill smacks Oliver Gill round the back of his head and sends him to bed early.

21:00: Paul Scholes goes to sleep. Accidently fouls his wife.

23:23: Gary Neville rings Wayne Rooney

26th August 2010

16:29: Owen Hargreaves rings me up telling me to stop stalking him. I breathe heavily into my phone for some time. Owen Hargreaves hangs up.

27th August 2010

9:05: I am sent a restraining order to stay 100 miles of away from Owen Hargreaves. I fake my death.

5th September 2010

19:07: Reports of Wayne Rooney sleeping with prostitute open to the press. Anderson considers this a slow-news day.

19:09: Anderson contacts his 3rd prostitute of the day.

16 September 2010

9:46: Patrice Evra does something legendary.

19th September 2010

12:30: Nani is sick of puns on his name. Especially when Wayne Rooney and grandmas are mentioned.

12:30: Paul Scholes watched The Weakest Link. Realises his watch has lost time.

17th October 2010

21:19: Gary Neville is seen laughing like a maniac for no reason. No one disturbs him.

18th October 2010

19:03: First rumours of Wayne Rooney's departure circulate.

19th October 2010

15:06: Sir Alex explains Wayne Rooney is leaving Manchester United. All hell freezes over. Cats making love to dogs. Priests not molesting children. Time moving in a zigzag motion.

15:29: Scientists at CERN manage to correct the path of Spacetime and return it to normal. Mainly thanks to Brian Cox and his handsome Manc face.

16:30: No one is able to get any comment out of Gary Neville. Phil say's he has some comments to make, only Keith Gillespe will hear them, and not for free.

20th October

17:44: Wayne Rooney makes his own statement. The lack of "erm..." in said statement leads everyone to believe it was in fact written by his agent.

21st October

11:40: Gary Neville tells team-mates that it's in fact a club gathering vacation today. Hands out clothing, forces players to get on bus. Oliver Gill is still grounded and can't go.

21:50: 40 (out of a possible 42) balacava-clans make death threat outside Rooney home. Everyone is thankful that Gary... erm.. Fan #2 didn't do the spelling and Jonny Ev... Fan #23 knew well that You're means You Are. Not Your as Fan #2 thought.

22nd October 2010

12:49: Wayne Rooney signs 5 year contract.

12:50: Gary Neville is proud of himself.

1st January 2011

00:01: Rodrigo Possebon returns to Manchester United for £215m. Oliver Gill is loaned to his mother's house for the month.

28th May 2011

21:49: Rodrigo Possebon scores 6 in 6-0 win over Real Madrid in Champions League final to cap an incredible 17th trophies. Including La Liga and several X-Games wins.

3rd August 2016

07:00: Manchester United manager Gary Neville releases his memoir in which he reveals how he orchestrated the entire Wayne Rooney saga to convince the Glazers to resign Rodrigo Possebon. Although in his book he refuses to reveal why Oliver Gill is so secretly disliked by his dad.


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Sunday, 17 October 2010

#43 - Invincibles

Once again, not a single team in the universe can defeat Manchester United this season. Some have tried, but none have yet succeeded. Maybe fellow Invincibles QPR could come close, but it would almost certainly be a draw after a United 2-0 or 3-0 lead and numerous defensive errors.

Although the West Brom match result is on the back burner as..


Or at least that's the general gist of the numerous stories that are coming out, and will inevitably continue to be "exclusively broken" by whoever. With absolutely zero real information. My insider says Fergie still thinks Chris Eagles is at the club and tried to select him this weekend but assumed since he'd not seen him around anywhere lately, he must have be injured.

Still. Say that this story getting out isn't a nicely convenient way for Rooney and his agent to get whatever it was they demand in contract negotiations whilst David Gill shakes his head and tries to strike off as many zeros as possible.

And, if Wayne Rooney does indeed want to leave for City or Madrid.. or whoever. Will it be a bad thing? Rooney's been looking completely uninterested (like Ronaldo did, but Ronaldo continued to be brilliant) whilst Chicharito and Berbatov are looking very good maybe now is the time to cash-in. Then hopefully, finally, get a bloody midfielder. I'm free, and will play for free. I just have some... fitness issues. Oh, and chronic laziness. So I'm a bit like Riquelme then. (Note: Juan Roman Riquelme is actually a footballing genius)

So. Say Rooney leaves, who would replace him? Benzema? Rossi? Forlan? Cheapstrikerwe'venotheardofyet? You better believe it'll be him.

Anderson had to deny reports (which have been going on for a few years) that he was to leave to return to Porto. Anderson will no doubt be annoyed that Rooney has stolen his thunder.

At least when Own Goal is out of form he shuts up about it.

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Friday, 8 October 2010

#42 - Leeches

After spending the last few days enjoying the misery of Liverpool it comes time once again to remember just how much shit we are in at the moment.

I tried as hard as possible to write a meaningful critique of the Glazers (pictured), but a) I'm terrible at reading or understanding finances and b) Many other blogs will do this much better. Either way, it makes for depressing reading. The £80,000,000 loss though could soon be wiped out with a winning EuroMillions ticket for tonight's draw giving us a £32,000,000 profit! Failing that, a bloody global uprising that would wipe-out any form of currency and replace it with a barter economy could well be positive for us.

Still upon first reading it's not as bad (although still very bad) as it could have been. A large chunk (£60m) of the loss was a one-off payment meaning next years' loss could just be £20m (or profit if we sell a good player). 'Cause that's how you run a good business.

The Green and Gold campaign has done very little, unfortunately. It's too small a minority in a huge world-wide fanbase. This is one of the few downsides of how big the club has become. MUST seems quite stagnant and the Red Knights are presumably AWOL. We the fans, need something new, and something with more impact.

On a much, much lighter and even more obvious note. Wayne Rooney is a chav. This common news known to all became even more shocking once read by the press, who forgot this was the case and were outraged that the young Roman, Kiko Macheda would say such a "vulgur" (see what I did?) insult to this countries fine young, Oxbridge-esque Wayne Rooney Esq.

There's slow news days and then there's no news days. From poor translation to missing the entire quote (Macheda describe himself as a coatto too) to no research (Totti is a self-described coatto and plays to it in the media) to obvious sensationalising in the media. Whoddafunkit?

Kiko of course, tried his best to clarify his comments today and probably did so - the Mail said today some reporters translated the word as 'vulgur' not mentioning themselves of course. I know, another Daily Mail dig, but c'mon, it's easy.

Edwin Van Der Sar who made his professional debut for Ajax before the coatto Macheda was even born has nish-nished any talk of him retiring. Forcing Tomasz Kuszczak to punch a wall.. and probably injure himself for the next game anyway.

Well. Now what to do? We've already wept about the Glazers, been annoyed by fans who wear new shirt/g&g scraft combo and wondered what other players are chavs. International football, that's what. I know, I know it's just not as fun but it will have to do.

Until post-Stoke City game on the 16th (another 3pm Saturday game?! Sky, are you awake?) unless some big news story (I heard from an insider that Owen Hargreaves knees are now so good that they've grown new knees underneath... which will need removing and he will be having surgery and should be back next year) happens that I can write about.. Peace, y'all.

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Thursday, 30 September 2010

#41 - Back

After a typically "european" or "continental" performance (english pundits speaking - not me) United scraped away from Valencia with weather-envy and 3 points thanks to Chicharito (pictured).

It hadn't been the best build up to the match though. Wayne Rooney - who now is the only thing people read about in tabloids, besides staring at boobs - came off from a "meh" (me speaking - probably no pundits) performance away to Bolton Wanderers of Horwich. Although with respect Bolton under Owen Coyle are a much improved side when compared with their previous incantation under Mr. Charisma himself, Gary Megson.

On top of that it seems Rooney's out for 3 weeks now. Or maybe he's not. Who really knows? Luckily we have 92 strikers to choose from. And if all else fails there's always John O'Shea, who for all we know, could be a top quality striker. His finishes in the past vs. Arsenal and vs. Liverpool away were brilliant anyway.

The away clean sheet though (our first since May 2nd away to Sunderland - a stat that sounds impressive [and surely you will hear it again on Sky - as that's who we're up against next] but we've only played 4 away games besides Valencia, and if you want to count it one neutral game - that's only 3 league away games. Some crisis.) is a huge boost now with the return of Rio Ferdinand... possibly for more than a week. Although Jonny Evans (or Jevans) did start to pick up against Liverpool (despite conceding a penalty) and Horwich Wanderers.

The Sunderland game though, dose give us a huge run of fixtures that are, not to say piss easy, as I think some games may be slightly easy going up until the home game against Spurs on the 30th October. Here's in an intersting stat for Martin Tyler which he won't use, the last time United played on the 30th October it was away to Portsmouth in a 2-0 defeat. That'd be part-time football manager, full-time wheeler dealer 'arry Hedknapp's Portsmouth too. Although a month after that he "farked" off to Southampton. Although to even that stat out in our favour, we did have Roy Carroll in goal.

In Reserve team news [name a player] joined [name a football league club] on a one month loan since for whatever reason, if there is one, the Reserves Leagues has no games for a month.

Looking back at my predictions in my last post, it seems the only one that may have come true is the Gazelle legs possibly (this is neither confirmed nor denied by Manchester United PLC nor FIFA) being transplanted to Owen Hargreaves, though I do find it suspicious that now Dr. Richard Steadman says now is the turning point for Hargo. Which is also handy as Gazelles have great turning points.

It also seems that The Onion with this great article has tapped into how my brain works whenever I read anything on the Glazers or the Clubs Finances.

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Thursday, 2 September 2010

Not Dead

Nope, I'm not dead, but my laptop is (my reaction pictured)! Next post will probably be in a couple of weeks time.

When I'll be talking about Bebe's 7 goals against Everton, Anderson's clever ploys to hide his dreadlocks from Sir Alex, Paul Scholes as he picks out 1 bad pass... but it ends up to Rooney anyway, and Owen Hargreaves' new knee transplant... for the knees of a gazelle as well as the sensational the FIFA controversy on animal limb transplants - including Paddy Kenny's new pig skin face.

So stay tuned for that. It sounds like there will be an interesting couple of weeks ahead.

Thursday, 5 August 2010

#40 - Wind

It was a homecoming for John O'Shea and Darron Gibson (full name: Darron Thomas Daniel Gibson Shoooooooot!). Except from all the other times they come home. The Airtricity League XI (team line up pictured) were unable to stop the United team with plenty of returns.

It was a bog standard friendly trashing if you don't count the fact the Park Ji-Sung scored a goal by closing down, Michael Owen didn't get injured - but in fact scored a goal - with a finish close to what we saw of Own Goal last season (where is he in pre-season?), and perhaps most extraordinary, the brilliant Antonio Valencia scored with his left foot. Well, in fact he didn't. Slowed down replays showed that in a split second Antonio Valencia surgically switching legs and moving his left on to his right and vice versa. Hernandez scored too, which puts him back into a +number after scoring against us brilliantly for Chivas a few days earlier.

So after a pre-season against mostly average-at-best opponents (Chivas Guadalajara, Copa Libertadores finalists this year, were our toughest opposition). The real test comes against Chelsea this weekend in the Wedon'tcare Community Shield. The outcome of which has no impact on anything. It's not even very useful as a shield.

Perhaps the thing to look forward to is the Newcastle United game on Monday 16th August. That's one day before my 22nd birthday. Not that I'm hinting anything but you can buy me stuff that's cool. Not that I'm hinting but I'd like an iPad, I wouldn't use it, but it'd be nice to say I have one.

On a side-note does anyone remember that last time United played in the Premier League on a monday? Prize to the winner. (Note: No actual prize)

In not-happening transfer news. United are still being linked with Mesut Ozil. So much so that I'm actually getting annoyed by the sound of Ozil's name right now. I'm pretty sure he's a myth.

Piotr Trochowski's agent has claimed that the 4ft10 Hamburg attacking midfielder is on United's radar. And whoever else will make Hamburg offer Trochowski get a bigger contract. Even though as a club, there is no money to go around.

The press are still showing they're brilliant at creating transfer rumours. Michael Owen's apparently going to Bristol City, alongside Trevor Sinclair, Danny Mills, Darius Vassell, and Nigel Martyn. Maybe Gareth Southgate if they're lucky.

Oh, and I don't care if Rooney smokes or pisses in the street. He's earnt it.

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Wednesday, 28 July 2010

#39 - All-Star

So, a 5-2 to hurrah over the MLS "All-Stars" (pictured [pick out Landon Donovan]) has changed many fans "Will they make it?" bickering about the young fledglings around. An example if there ever needed to be one of the inconsistency that almost all young players suffer. Before the game, after the 2-1 defeat by Kansas City Wizards. Yes, that's their real name. Many fans went ape-shit crazy believing all the young starlets to be no good. Now of course, they're bloody brilliant. Until that is, they're no good again.

Still, perception is needed, and although Kiko Macheda opened with an excellent finish after 22 seconds(!) - pouncing on a loose pass before sliding under the goalkeeper. We do need to remind ourselves that this All-Star goalkeeper is Donovan Ricketts. The closest Donovan Ricketts gets to an all star is with a pair of Converse.

It was though, a good game for goals and youngsters. Although Darron Gibson isn't exactly young at 22. These days you need to have won the Goldenboot at 14 before you're considered a wonderkid. Gibson smashed in a excellent freekick on the 70 minute mark. Most-likely-out-on-loan-but-looking-good Tom Cleverely scored possibly the best of the goals, after catching on to Fletchers flicked pass, he himself flicked the ball over excellently named "all-star" defender Wiman Conde Jr. before smashing the ball home with his right foot. Yes, it was a clever finish. Then game Chicarito's turn when another Fletcher ball set him through one on one with the keeper and he kept his cool lobbing from distance.

Of course, this is still pre-season and we shouldn't be getting excited about anything but the performance was a huge improvement after the defeat to the Kansas City Wizards. The Wizards incidently considering a team rename. I suggest Kansas City City. Or Kansas No-Not-the-Band-of-the-Same-Name.

In some more Youth action, the U18s failed to win a third Milk Cup in a row. A third Cravendale Milk Cup is almost certainly rewarded by the Golden Udder and the chance to keep the Milk Cup in trophy cabinet until it gets all sour and smelly. I have no more to say besides United youngster Donald Love is my new favourite player, purely based on name. I assume he's a mixture of Donald Draper and Dude Love. Although this almost certainly not true.

The Reserves scraped a win over Oxford United. Argh, just go read the ever-excellent United Youth blog already. Even if the name "United Youth" sounds like some sort of ultra right-wing Christian summer camp.

In older news, it's still hilarious that Manchester City named their Reserve side the Elite Squad. The Elite Squad, who are in fact not the Elite Squad until they are the first team, have declared they are in no way affiliated with Blazin' Squad, Police Squad or the J.O.B. Squad.

In some sort of horrible desperation I tried to find an interesting transfer rumour involving United. There are none. Not even on Tribal Football! It gets bad when even people who make up transfer rumours refuse to do so because they know your club is skint.

In uninteresting transfer rumours, Anders Lindegaard has been linked with a switch to Old Trafford, and wherever else. Don't even think of looking at Wikipedia because you don't know who is, neither does anyone else outside of Denmark and Norway. Lindegaard has been dubbed the "new Peter Schmeichel" as I assume anyone in Demark is dubbed aslong as they catch something and most importantly are not already Peter Schmeichel.

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Monday, 19 July 2010

#38 - Return

What the? What the god damn hell is this? A blog?

So what's happened since I last posted (pictured)? Well it would take a very long to go through it all, especially since I've already forgotten most of what has happened so I'll try anyway:


And that's how it will always be remembered. Now back to the present day.

Mario Ballotelli is being constantly linked with a move to a club in Manchester. Whether it's ourselves or City is another thing entirely. Hopefully he'll go to City where he can continue his role as constant thorn in the side of squad harmony. He was stopped in Milan by police for showing a cap gun out his car window. He'll soon learn about what a gun is if he tries that in any of the rough areas (most of the areas) near Eastlands.

More rumours ahoy, of course, and the usual suspects continue.

In fact, here's a shortlist of players we have been linked with because people are bored, and who we will not sign because we have no money:

Mario Ballotelli, Wesley Sneidjer, Luis Fabiano*, Joe Cole (obviously), Angel di Maria (obviously), Joao Moutinho (obviously), Raul, Jack Rodwell, Steven Jovetic, Raul Meireles, David de Gea, Alexis Sanchez, Bruno Alves, Mesut Ozil, Philip Lahm, Thomas Muller, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Manuel Neuer, David Hasselhoff, Franz Beckenbauer, and Herr Deutchsland o Bratwurst und Deutsch verschiedenen Stereotypen.

*who started his own rumours then signed for Sevilla and was proud of himself for crushing the rumours.

Matty James has unsurprisingly gone on loan to Preston North End. Where absolutely every other United reserve will soon be heading on loan until Ole Gunnar is left managing some 8 year olds. Except Danny Welbeck who seems to be going on loan to Sunderland where he'll sit on a bench waiting for Bent or Jones to get injured.

Of course there's even more fun into be had in rumours of players leaving Old Trafford. Nemanja Vidic, who was going to leave in 2007 is still being linked with a move away. Unlike Ronaldo when we all knew it was his dream to move to Real Madrid. All anyone really knows about Vidic's so called "desire to leave" is that his wife might not like Manchester all that much. Not sure why - Manchester is brilliant, we've got... er... Old Trafford, and er... er... a Hard Rock Cafe, and er... er... that's not the point!

Sky Sports produced a major lack of pun fun when running Danny Drinkwater's quotes about wanting to prove himself at United and nowhere mentioning that he was "thirsty for success".

So that's my post done, and part of my public service over.

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Friday, 5 March 2010

#37 - Bumper

Dear readers (all 8 of you) I apologise for my laziness, but it's chronic. It's a disability really. Unfortunately people have little sympathy for it, espcially when it comes to giving out cash. So, with that out of the way, time to write. So, in optimistic fashion. Let's start with good news:

Owen Hargreaves (pictured) could be finally closer to to a return to reserves for his first game since 1984 for the Reserves against Mancester City Reserves. For those of you who don't remember Owen Hargreaves he was a catalyst in the 07-08 season as was capable of this. Also, he has the permission to shag many, many men's wives.

And the bad news, Michael Owen has been confirmed to be out for the rest of the season after his hamstring injury. He joins Anderson and John O'Shea who will also be missing over our most important period. Fortunately for Owen he's scored against City and in a League Cup final. Which is pretty good for a freebie who everyone expected to totally flop.

There's been some blame given to the pitch at Wembley stadium for the damage done to Mickey Owen. The pitch has declined to comment.

But, to go back to good news now and mess with your emotional stability. Kiko "Hard Bastard" Macheda could be back shortly too. The angular-faced italian will always be loved for this. With Welbeck out on loan and Owen out now, Macheda has only Diouf to compete with to get on the bench if Rooney and Berbatov are to start. This could will be the time for the little italian to show what he's made of.

So, how about last weekend then ey? Many people blame the Glazers for the ridiculous amount of debt but perhaps the price of silver polish and trophy cabinets are much more than we can imagine. As another League Cup is picked up and added to the list. For those who are counting, we are now 3 domestic trophies ahead of Liverpool and 39 ahead of Manchester City. That's a nice stat. You don't hear that on Match of the Day.

So. Is it time to start claiming that Wayne Rooney is the best striker in the world? Or has he been for some time?

For those interested in that kind of stuff, there was international football midweek. International friendlies even, to add to the tedium of it all. I can never get the spirit to talk about it. I do enjoy them and I do watch them, but like 90% of US sitcoms, my mind is entirely blank afterwards.

Nani has recommended Miguel Veloso for United sign. Unlike many other people who would recommend him, Nani has actually seen him play and didn't just sign him once on Football Manager. Sporting Clube de Portugal have been rather dire this season (despite their 3-0 wins over Porto and Everton recently) and now if anytime would be the best time to swoop for their players. Joao Moutinho is still excellent too. Then again, with Sporting recently becoming City's feeder club, would they be ok with selling players to us?

Oh, for those of you wanting to hear something about the Red Knights/MUST vs. Glazers confrontation. I couldn't tell you. I'm financially dyslexic. That's why I'm poor.
This sadly has leg to the non-Sport members of the press to try and come up with football related puns to sound cool and hip with the normally uninterested football fans who will now be following. And embarassing like a Dad who tries to talk like Fresh Prince in front of his son's friends.

This blog was brought to you by;
  • Playing Heavy Rain.
  • Looking forward to Final Fantasy XIII.
  • Having no John Terry jokes to tell because everyone's already said them all.

Wednesday, 3 March 2010


Super-mega-duper-awesom-o post, coming tomorrow. I just want to you all know that I am not dead.

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

#36 - Ginger

Ronaldinho is a very skillful player. He's scored brilliant goals [1][2][etc], and for some time was the greatest player on the planet. He almost even signed for Manchester United, the lucky lucky man. Unforunately he didn't. Fortunately we still have Paul Scholes (pictured). Who performed the most convincing trick that would make anyone has ever witnessed. He convinced many that he was actually trying to score with his right foot. In fact he shaped up his left peg at the most perfect angle to slip it past Dida's right hand post to score the equaliser. It was a world class dummy. The world doesn't even know it.

Don't tell me anything different.

Of course, that wasn't the full story of the match. Ronaldinho himself opened the scoring after it took a fortunate deflection off Carrick (or if you heard Andy Gray without watching the replays, Jonny Evans - several times - he almost made it sound like Ronaldinho intended it. Ronaldinho is not Scholes). From that point on our defence was as shaky as some shaky things doing the shaky-shaky during some sort of earthquake. Jonny Evans clearly looked quite intimidated by the San Siro. The even more intimidated by Sir Alex after quite the ear bashing and with more mentions of the word "fuck" than almost any episode of the brilliant The Thick of It. Then, the Ginger Ninja pounced!

So it stayed until half-time, in which hair dryers were turned on. There were short blackouts reported throughout Milan. Then came the second half. Wayne Rooney has pretty much turned into the complete package of a striker this season. Improving on an already brilliant template. Antonio Valencia came on for Nani, who although he didn't shine as he has done recently, didn't really get enough chances to run at Giuseppe Favalli, 103. Valencia it was who only a few minutes after he came off the bench dinked in a beautiful cross for Wayne Rooney to head it looping over Dida. Dinked is a real word, possibly. Then it was "big-game" or as I prefer to say "any-game" Darren Fletcher who as well as continuing to be a formidable engine in the middle put in a lovely ball for Rooney's second. From then on, with us playing incredibly better the game seemed like a formality. Even the second leg. That was until late on when Clarence Seedorf, 158, scored with a cheeky flick - though not as cheeky as Scholes. Late on Carrick was sent off for a second yellow on the grounds of pure pedanticalness. It probably was a second yellow, but it was also unnecessary. 3-2 the final score. Which would have all wanted before the match, but afterwards, sort of feel a bit annoyed about now. Still. We're in the driving seat now, and we know how to beat them. The stigma of the San Siro has ended.

Of course, many people will be wondering what happened to our second striker, Own Goal. Who wasn't playing last night. Which is especially surprising given his excellent run of form. His equaliser against Aston Villa was his 10th of the season. Eat your heart out, Dimitar.

The Villa match, a sort-of preview but-not-really of the upcoming League Cup final should have been our path to first place after Louis Saha scored twice to sink Chelsea. Alas, possibly due to Nani's stupid sending off (although we continued to be the better side) it only finished as a draw. Chelsea though, are definitely there for the taking. Especially with Ashley "phone" Cole out until possibly the end of the season.

In bizarre transfer news Mark Davies, the relatively competent Bolton midfielder is apparently being tracked by United and Liverpool. Considering he's not even good enough for Liverpool this is probably baloney. I imagine an agent has been wink-winking the press in hope of his player (and from that himself) getting a better contract. Or maybe it's the fact that it's his birthday tomorrow.

This blog has been brought to you by;
  • Trying to do the "Scholes flick"/"Ninja dummy".
  • Thinking Moho is the best place for small gigs in Manchester.
  • Charlie Brooker's Newswipe.
  • Being surprised that "pedanticalness" is the adjective form of "pedantic".

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

#35 - O.G.

Sir Alex has a wonderful eye for talent. None more so than this years latest signing Mr. O. Goal (pictured), we don't know much about this mysterious player other than his recent form is quite exceptional. After scoring the opener against Arsenal, O.G. went on to net a hat-trick against helpless Portsmouth. Portsmouth, who are managed by Baron Silas Greenback who, inspite of what his team may doing on the pitch, is not shy of scoring himself.

Mr. Goal has now scored more goals than any other player this season bar Wayne Rooney. Of course, the mysterious underground illumnati new world order group that is the Dubious Goals Panel may take some away from him. Some would claim that Michael Carrick's shot was going on target before it took a quite spectacular deflection. The Dubious Goal Committee (a.k.a. Dubious Goals Skull and Bones Society) is a cult full of bizarre and degrading initiation rituals. They dwell in a medieval room under a church and sit around a round table in candle light. They can't know each others identity in case they discuss goals with each other so they have to wear horse masks for all their meetings. Someone please tell Alex Jones. And wait patiently for Dan Brown's next book The Da Vinci Goal.

After that revelaing insight, I think they'll come after me now. And take my hard earned goals away. Well they would, if it wasn't for my professional record of 0 appearances and 0 goals. Which cuts me at a ratio of a goal of game, sort of.

So next up is our future League Cup final opponents, Aston Villa. Away at Villa Park is usually a guarenteed result but Aston Villa did beat us earlier this season at home. Unfortunately for them, this is our time of the season to steam roll as quickly as possible to the title. Judging by their negative performance against Tottenham Hotspur we may well see a recreation of the style of match we had against Portsmouth. Defence vs. Attack.

Then comes the big one in the San Siro, David Beckham's AC Milan. AC Milan have got over their bit of good form lately and are back to being their under performing selves. Though recently this may have been due to the abscene of Alessandro Nesta. Who I'm pretty sure has another good 30 years to go before he needs to retire.

Beck's though has been heaping praise on the club and the fans lately. He clearly wants us not to boo him. We won't, we still love you, David.

In our last piece of news-worthy news our kid Matty James has gone on loan to... no, you guess. Go on. Who do you think? Yep, you're right, the new Royal Antwerp - Preston North End. Sir Alex must really be close with their manager, eh?

So, Google Analytics is a very useful tool for seeing how people get to this blog. Usually it's through the excellent Repulik of Mancunia blog but sometimes strange google searches seem to pop us up as a result. Here's a few examples of what people have searched to get here: "edwin var sars favourite colour", "djemba djemba transfer rumours 2009", and the champion of all bizarre searches to get here - "kaka licking sucking michael owen his cock". Lovely stuff. What sort of weird internet porn is that? Go on, which one of you was it?

This blog has been brought to you by;
  • Wanting to watch Danger Mouse again.
  • The brilliant new Crime in Stereo album "I Was Going to Describe You to Someone."
  • Frosties.

Monday, 1 February 2010

#34 - Well

According to reports on the 23rd January 2010 we signed Nani. Who's been excellent in his first 3 games for the club, and much more promising than our previous Nani who we must have sold or thrown in the skip. That is a bit harsh on Nani who in the past few years hasn't been able to get a run of games and only had a brilliant game for about every 1 in 7 or so.

The boy though, seems to have become a man. And whilst we should not get ahead of ourselves like many were on praising Obertan after a ridiculously short amount of time on the pitch the future does look bright for Nani as he plays on the right wing instead of his usual favoured left. This of course, means Antonio Valencia will need to have his right leg surgicially switched with his left to be in the first team.

Now then. Where to start? It would make sense to start at the beginning but maybe I want to do it like LOST and have flashbacks. Probably not right now.

On Nani's debut against Hull City, Manchester United after being robbed by Mike Dean who unsurprisingly is from Mersyside they bounced back. Most people who have been robbed report it to the police or go on Crimewatch, not us though, oh no! The surprise start of new signing Nani against Hull City was a huge breath of fresh air, and inevitably comparisons to Crisitano Ronaldo were made. We were rampant against Hull City - but then we were always going to be - we were playing Hull City. Wayne Rooney decided scoring 4 goals is good for a laugh.

Now then came the second leg against our former City rivals who have now been replaced with a toy for a super-billionaire. It's sort of like supporting someone who's cheating on Football Manger. Of course most City fans will clog their eyes and shout "la-la-la" whilst trying to cover up the "Stockport" part of their address and claiming to live exactly in the very centre of Manchester. United played the this-blogger-approved 4-5-1 system. Many people who don't watch any football outside of England assume that 4-4-2 is the only formation that exists. They also assume it is attacking. It is not. Formations are neutral. You can play 6-4-0 and still be an attacking team. Anyway. The atmosphere was excellent and the Green and Gold campaign was getting noticed. Which is helpful as it's a bright colour. The black coats campaign wouldn't be very visible.

Scholesy, Carrick and an injury time winner by Wayne Rooney put us through to yet another final. We may as well just have our own changing room in Wembley Stadium now. Some scruffy looking Argentine fella scored for City but that's entirely irrelevant. Spirits were high, as club in debt beat club with the classic "Bovine" cheat. In retaliation Manchester City will probably sign 17 new players by the transfer deadline in a few hours.

Then came a far bigger match against Arsenal. Our league form in the first half of the season had been sloppy - but then again, isn't it always? Our record against the big four teams in the Premier League was very poor in recent games but in what may have caused many Arsenal fans flashbacks to the Champions League semi-final we cruised to victory. Nani's superb bit of skill resulted in a harsly awarded Manuel Almunia own goal. Although personally I would have given the goal to Nani, just 'cause I say so. Minutes later, Rooney made it to in a goal which was scored in the exact same amount of time as Cristiano Ronaldo's beautiful counter attack in the Champions League last season. Ji-Sung Park rounded off the scoring as he always likes to do against Arsenal. This hopefully, becoming the boost for our 2nd half plunder of the Premiership to win it for a record 19th time, and a record 4th time in a row.

That's not all, oh no.

News on Keith Harris (apparently not pictured with Orville) is gathering some sort of group of Red Knights to take over the club from the Glazers. It all sounds very promising but would the Glazers who are succesfully raping our club of many millions of pounds want to sell such a get-richer-quicker scheme?

The Red Knights name though is interesting. If they are succesful in taking over the club they could all sit around a King Artuhur-esque Round Table and rename Old Trafford to Camelot. Not to be confused with the crappy theme park of the same name in Chorley.

Hopefully then all good news, everywhere. Unless you're Wayne Bridge.

And for those watching Sky Sports News on Transfer Deadline Day. Nothing is going to happen. Unless it does, in which case I look like an idiot. Hurrah.

This blog has been brought you by;
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  • Team Teamwork's excellent mash-up album of hip-hop and Final Fantasy VII. Vinyl Fantasy 7.

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

#33 - Burned

Imagine the scene. You and your child are walking down the street. It's a nice day outside. There's birds singing folk songs with remarkable skill. Your child then tugs on a tattooed man's arm for a bit because he was wondering what it was, until he realises if he tugs it any longer he may get in trouble. Then out of nowhere an evil bald man shouts at your child, steals his favourite toy and gives it to a nearby cave dweller (pictured). The cave dweller then steals another of your childs toys and shows off the size of his ears at your face. You put up your middle finger. A group of idiots watch this on CCTV, fine you, ban you, take you to prison and then hang you in the street whilst shouting Nazi slogans.

It sounds ridiculous, but it happened last night. Of course in the film version, the child is played by Rafael, the tattooed man is Bellamy, the evil bald man is Mike Dean (know owner of 5 palaces in Abu Dhabi) and the cave dweller is Carlos Tevez. The group of idiots are the FA. The person who plays you is Gary Neville. The metaphor may not be perfect, in fact I thought of it last night whilst my rage blinded my creativity.

The point remains true. Although it is only half time (someone should have told the City fans that at the end of the match) the penalty totally swung the tie. Mike Dean overall had a rather shocking game and refused to book Bellamy for smashing into Valencia's face after a bad foul on Rafael. As well as Tevez for going rather high on Wesley Brown. The next leg should be quite something.

Before that though was a comfortable-ish win over Burnley. Fortunately for us Burnley don't have any good strikers and they don't have Owne Coyle anymore - but we improved. Which is something we've been slowly doing (and will continue to do) after all our players decided being injured was hip.

Diouf who scored against Burnley and had a good chance against City certainly looks a promising prospect. Already 16x times better than Manucho (and if you know your maths right that makes him 96x better than Dong Fangzhou [yes, he did really play for us]) and with a spring for headers similar to that of Paddy Evra we may have a very good signing on our hands.

Looking before the second leg though is a home match against Hull City. Who are still managed by Phil Brown, so we will win. Yes we will. We will, honest.

I also want to say how much I agree with the current Green and Gold until the Glazers are out campaign. I needed to say I agree with it or they might change their minds, yes I believe I'm that influential in my head. I'll probably change the blog to such colours at some point (possibly it will be green and gold as you read this) depending on my laziness levels and how easy it is to do on Blogger. And yes I understand the irony that the blog is called Rossobianchi but I'm not going to rename it Verdeoro, as it's more effort.

I admit freely to being a dunce at anything finacial. The entire subject confuses, irritates and bores me. I don't like people talking about money unless it precedes them giving it to me. At which point I will waste (or invest) it on booze. So, from what I hear the Glazers are doing bad things. Which doesn't surprise me anyway, but I have no interesting insight at all. Just read the Guardian's site for that.

According to the press, we're interesting in a bunch of players... but we're skint anyway so there's no point speculating.

This blog has been brought to you by;
  • Blind rage.
  • Trying to not think of my favourite James Bond when bonds are mentioned with our finances.
  • More blind rage!

Friday, 8 January 2010

#32 - Hypothetical

With news (well, rumours) of our great captain, leader, revolutionary, hero and facial-haired legend Gary Neville (pictured) possible calling it quits at the end of the year. Is it time to start examining who could vill the void as the capitano?

Ryan Giggs: Vice captain, sports personality of the year, living legend, has the abilty to go into your house at night and watch you sleep if you live in Salford: Surely one of the strong contendors for those who think "change is not good". There is a feeling among some fans (myself excluded) that Ryan Giggs isn't "captain-material" this though tends to just mean he doesn't shout at everyone constantly. Understandably good point is that he doesn't play every game and thus his impact as captain would be muted.

Wayne Rooney: Above mentioned "captain-material" but certainly a driving force. Can swear like Roy Keane could. Scary like Roy Keane was. Likes dogs as much as Roy Keane does. Still though, there are some doubts about his temperment (this is from football pundits who have not watched football for years yet continue to be on television) but there is no question that he is committed to the cause. Sir Alex thinks he could be a future captain... could he be next season?

Darren Fletcher: From "aw no not Fletcher again" to "bloody hell, we would have won that if Fletcher had played!". One of the most improved players in some time. He has many things going for him as a captain. Firstly, he's Scottish. It is a well known fact that Scottish people are loud. They absolutely can fucking swear. Already the captain of Scotland on account of possibly being the only good Scottish player besides possibly... Ally McCoist. Still.

Patrice Evra: I'm moderately sure that Paddy Evra was the captain for a match recently. I've forgotten which one, but I'm almost certain it happened. Our most consistent player since 2007, and probably the best in the world in his position. Cheryl Cole will not doubt soon be Cheryl Evra. That's is she's Patrice's cup of tea that is. Many "purists" or "people with false pride who cling onto national history for the own self-worth" may want a british captain. Forgetting where Eric Cantona was from. Strong candidate, popular with fans, almost certainly popular with anyone worth a damn. And very funny. Plus he told Lampard to suck his pussy. Something no other professional has said in the game that I know of yet.

Nemanja Vidic: Estimated that 15,000 opposition strikers have been killed by Nemanja Vidic in the last 200 years. It's an impressive death toll. But with so many more strikers unaccounted for, what's the true figure? There are many Vidicaust deniers like Nick Griffin who say people exaggurated the figures of how many strikers died. It doesn't matter really. Vidic kills. It's even a song - no more evidence is needed. Vidic has captained the club before, recently too if I remember (probably wrongly) in a match we probably won. Ok, I'm not sure. I'm not going to research, I don't get paid. Anyway. He seems to be leader material, he doesn't need to swear because he's hard as nails, if nails were Terminators. The only question is the lingering doubt of whether he's staying. Despite his agent, himself, myself, Jonathan Ross saying that he will definitely be staying when Real Madrid are concerned, there's always an element of doubt, because they're bastards. If he does stay, he's a contendor, for sure.

Edwin Van Der Sar: Not exactly a long term option, since Edwin Van Der Sar was goalkeeper for the first ever football match in Three Kingdoms era China (something I'm a bit of a geek about). So experience is plentiful. He is known to swear too. And could be seen as a stand-in captain until someone like Rooney or Fletcher is old enough to take up the captaincy. For some reason young captains tend to be frowned upon by old men who used to watch football wearing flatcaps in the days where the world was black and white.

Rio Ferdinand: Has been captain many times before. So a very strong contender. The only problem with Rio Ferdinand lately is his fitness. His mystery back problem seems to be no better and of course we don't want a captain who doesn't play. If he is fully fit though, surely a favourite.

Michael Carrick: Some aren't fond of Carrick, I am. He passes the Daily Mail reader's test of being English, and has experience. But with our every changing midfield, will he play enough to warrant captaincy?

Park Ji-Sung: Was captain for about 8 minutes in an already won Champions League match back in 2005 I believe. Then played like a maniac for 8 minutes. So, giving him the armband all the time may send him in to total overdrive mode forever. Maybe we'll just make him believe he's captain instead.

Paul Scholes: Does what ever he wants.

Other possibilities: John O'Shea, Wesley Brown, Owen Hargeaves.

Any thoughts?

This blog has been brought to you by;
  • Over exagguration.
  • Beer.
  • Still wanting to see Gary Neville's house (one of his neighbours [not Alan] sounds like a twat).

Sunday, 3 January 2010

#31 - Ugh

That is how I feel right now.