Friday, 8 January 2010

#32 - Hypothetical

With news (well, rumours) of our great captain, leader, revolutionary, hero and facial-haired legend Gary Neville (pictured) possible calling it quits at the end of the year. Is it time to start examining who could vill the void as the capitano?

Ryan Giggs: Vice captain, sports personality of the year, living legend, has the abilty to go into your house at night and watch you sleep if you live in Salford: Surely one of the strong contendors for those who think "change is not good". There is a feeling among some fans (myself excluded) that Ryan Giggs isn't "captain-material" this though tends to just mean he doesn't shout at everyone constantly. Understandably good point is that he doesn't play every game and thus his impact as captain would be muted.

Wayne Rooney: Above mentioned "captain-material" but certainly a driving force. Can swear like Roy Keane could. Scary like Roy Keane was. Likes dogs as much as Roy Keane does. Still though, there are some doubts about his temperment (this is from football pundits who have not watched football for years yet continue to be on television) but there is no question that he is committed to the cause. Sir Alex thinks he could be a future captain... could he be next season?

Darren Fletcher: From "aw no not Fletcher again" to "bloody hell, we would have won that if Fletcher had played!". One of the most improved players in some time. He has many things going for him as a captain. Firstly, he's Scottish. It is a well known fact that Scottish people are loud. They absolutely can fucking swear. Already the captain of Scotland on account of possibly being the only good Scottish player besides possibly... Ally McCoist. Still.

Patrice Evra: I'm moderately sure that Paddy Evra was the captain for a match recently. I've forgotten which one, but I'm almost certain it happened. Our most consistent player since 2007, and probably the best in the world in his position. Cheryl Cole will not doubt soon be Cheryl Evra. That's is she's Patrice's cup of tea that is. Many "purists" or "people with false pride who cling onto national history for the own self-worth" may want a british captain. Forgetting where Eric Cantona was from. Strong candidate, popular with fans, almost certainly popular with anyone worth a damn. And very funny. Plus he told Lampard to suck his pussy. Something no other professional has said in the game that I know of yet.

Nemanja Vidic: Estimated that 15,000 opposition strikers have been killed by Nemanja Vidic in the last 200 years. It's an impressive death toll. But with so many more strikers unaccounted for, what's the true figure? There are many Vidicaust deniers like Nick Griffin who say people exaggurated the figures of how many strikers died. It doesn't matter really. Vidic kills. It's even a song - no more evidence is needed. Vidic has captained the club before, recently too if I remember (probably wrongly) in a match we probably won. Ok, I'm not sure. I'm not going to research, I don't get paid. Anyway. He seems to be leader material, he doesn't need to swear because he's hard as nails, if nails were Terminators. The only question is the lingering doubt of whether he's staying. Despite his agent, himself, myself, Jonathan Ross saying that he will definitely be staying when Real Madrid are concerned, there's always an element of doubt, because they're bastards. If he does stay, he's a contendor, for sure.

Edwin Van Der Sar: Not exactly a long term option, since Edwin Van Der Sar was goalkeeper for the first ever football match in Three Kingdoms era China (something I'm a bit of a geek about). So experience is plentiful. He is known to swear too. And could be seen as a stand-in captain until someone like Rooney or Fletcher is old enough to take up the captaincy. For some reason young captains tend to be frowned upon by old men who used to watch football wearing flatcaps in the days where the world was black and white.

Rio Ferdinand: Has been captain many times before. So a very strong contender. The only problem with Rio Ferdinand lately is his fitness. His mystery back problem seems to be no better and of course we don't want a captain who doesn't play. If he is fully fit though, surely a favourite.

Michael Carrick: Some aren't fond of Carrick, I am. He passes the Daily Mail reader's test of being English, and has experience. But with our every changing midfield, will he play enough to warrant captaincy?

Park Ji-Sung: Was captain for about 8 minutes in an already won Champions League match back in 2005 I believe. Then played like a maniac for 8 minutes. So, giving him the armband all the time may send him in to total overdrive mode forever. Maybe we'll just make him believe he's captain instead.

Paul Scholes: Does what ever he wants.

Other possibilities: John O'Shea, Wesley Brown, Owen Hargeaves.

Any thoughts?

This blog has been brought to you by;
  • Over exagguration.
  • Beer.
  • Still wanting to see Gary Neville's house (one of his neighbours [not Alan] sounds like a twat).


  1. Great to have you posting again. Hilarious as usual.

  2. Danke! Since I have nothing better to do nowadays, they'll be plenty more!

  3. I like the possibilties with Ji being handed the armband. Readymade solution for the left wing!
    Only question though - can he swear?

  4. Possibly, but maybe only Evra can understand him.

  5. Paul Scholes: Does whatever he wants

    i have been laughing for a good ten minutes. I must look like a nutter giggling on my own in a library.

    Paul Scholes: does whatever he wants

    fucking hell that is genius