Friday, 18 February 2011

Player Profile: Nemanja Vidic

Užice is a city in Serbia, a small sleepy city with little in the way of culture. You definitely would not associate Užice with building cyborgs of any nature - not even small furry mice cyborgs. Underneath Užice though, is a secret base in which Nemanja Vidic was not born - he was created. For legal reasons I can't say that the company which created Nemanja Vidic was called Skylab (but it definitely was - it is also where John O'Shea used to work, as a utilities man). They created many prototypes of Nemanja Vidic (prototype pictured) before they could finally settle on the finished machine. Nemanja Vidic has never been heard to say "I know now why you cry". Unless it's after he's just headbutted someone.

Easily killing John Connor, Sarah Connor and Des O'Connor (in a quicker time than you can say "What's Wrong With Your Eyes" and would make a brilliant, if extremely quick film) Nemanja Vidic decided that was not enough. Killing humans came far too naturally to him, he decided to try and not kill them - just to really hurt them an awful lot. Football seemed like the perfect place for this as American Footballs had protection, and Rugby players were just annoying humans anyway - he could decide to kill them at a later date.

After sending the Serbian SuperLiga into an immediate striker shortage, with all strikers injured simultaneously (including his own in training sessions), Vidic was taken away from Red Star Belgrade to Spartak Moscow by some stereotypical Russian Communist movie bad guys (they probably only referred to each other as "comrade"). In his time in Russia, accidentally injuring people who spoke to on the phone he inspired all. It's not a coincidence that not long after the Serbian destroyer left Russia that Vladimir Putin took up Judo. Possibly meaning he would survive a fight with Nemanja Vidic for 0.4 seconds longer than than the usual man. Interesting the maximum time you can stay alive in a fight with Nemanja Vidic is 0.6708 seconds - a record achieved by a cyborg made with the genes of Bruce Lee who was coached by Fedor Emelianenko with the brutality of Genghis Khan. Oh, and the eyelashes of Chuck Norris -as he's a big girl's blouse.

Such a toll was sure to attract suitors, and Sir Alex Ferguson decided this was exactly what was needed Alan Shearer to retirement with his tail between his legs and it surely did. Still, Vidic (costing £7,000,000 in parts) needed to be tamed before he could make his debut (cautiously on his debut - he was positioned in midfield to keep his urge for blood down). So Sir Alex hired the smartest people (pictured) in the world try and reconfigure Vidic's programming to not only convince the striker to move to previously cyborg-free Manchester but also to stop injuring his own strikers constantly. Unlike Nemanja Vidic, the new programming on how he works is not perfect. He once confused Fernando Torres with John Connor - and every once in a while will injure his own teammates (hence Alan Smith's move away and subsequent poor form). Sometimes his wiring may go wrong, causing him to bleed before Manchester United's physio/technician Rob Swire is able to quickly solder him back to health.

Since then Nemanja has smashed all human and cyborg records at everything. Except the world record for most swearing which is still held by Wayne Rooney and after being scared by his own reflection in a hall of mirrors maze - until Rooney was then rescued by Nemanja.

Shortly before Nemanja Vidic ends the human population we (possibly at his order) will look back at his achievements and his influence over the world before and after his birth. Jesus, Vidic's favourite disciple. Predator a film based on a slow-witted version of Nemanja Vidic. The Road, a book by Cormac McCarthy about a man and his son who survive the Vidicocalypse. This of course, is impossible. Once the Vidicocalypse comes only Vidic will survive. If you're lucky, you may hear him say "come with me if you want to live".

Next time in The Life and Times... Paul Scholes.


  1. u shud integrate this blog with facebook...

  2. Never been one for Facebook too much (besides my own profile) - so not too sure what I'd be doing!

  3. Brilliant. I always doubted this. Have seen him walk away from tackles as though nothing happened. so TIL.

  4. Awesome article, just found it on RoM, great stuff mate :D
    Linking it on facebook as I type this :D

  5. Creative! Hahaha. Vidicocalypse!! Will share this in facebook mate!

  6. Awesome. With enough of these you could get a book out!

  7. But what will happen when vidic reads this?

    How can you predict the vidicocalypse?

    Were you sent from the future to warn us of our impending doom?

    If vidic kills us all one day, how come you know of the outcome of the said vidicocalypse?

    This means you're probably a cyborg from the future but pre-programmed for awesome wit instead of relentless killing prowess.

    (I'm pretty sure there's a time paradox lurking in here, i just can't put my finger on it)

  8. Vidic wouldn't need to read this - he already has all of the world's data stored.

    For the rest of the questions, I'll hire Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse (of LOST fame) to do an eventually underwhelming response.


  10. Ah I saw that! It made me very happy. It makes me sing the Possebon song in my head.