Many may not know this but back in my day there was a strong brave player called Owen Hargreaves (pictured - old game covers a current theme). He had curly hair made of tungsten and breathed fire out of his mouth. He had 17 different accents which he used simultaneously, whilst still managing to sound a bit like Ryan Giggs. He was everyone's favourite England player, which made sense since he's a Canadian. And his Dad is from Bolton. Which means half of his body is made up of pasties. Probably his knees. And on the Saturday he was briefly resurrected.
Manchester United had come off a 3-2 away win to Rochdale. Wait? What? Nevermind.
Manchester United had come off a 3-0 away win to Bursaspor. Which is maybe Turkey's Rochdale. Obertan, Bebe, and *thick scottish accent* DARREN FLETCHAR! scoring the 3 goals in what was a relatively easy win and pretty much all but puts us through into the group stages.
Sam the Eagle's Wolverhampton Wanderers have been tricky opponents to ourselves in the Carling Cup as well as Chelsea earlier in the league and this game was no different.
Fortunately we have Ji-Sung Park, recipient of the 2010 Award for Most Slagged Off United Player Not Called John O'Shea or Darron Gibson or Despite Not Being at the Club Anymore, Mikael Silvestre. An award mostly won by Mikael Silvestre anyway. It was Park's late, late winner that gave us the 3 points so we could put our feet up and watch Chelsea play dire against Liverpool. Who were nice enough to do us the favour they should have done for us last season. Swines.
Of course all the talk of the match is the 5 minute cameo of Owen Hargreaves. In which not much really happened but his knees didn't implode on pitch as many had noticed. And unlike my earlier prediction his knees weren't transplanted with those of a gazelle. Still, I have a better made up rumour count then Goal.com.
It will no doubt strike many as odd that Hargo Embargo was thrown into the mix from the start without any reserve team football. It worked on Football Manager but probably not in real life, as we saw.
Bebe probably made the front page of the Daily Mail.. I mean Daily Heil.. no wait, Daily Mail. No actually, it is definitely called the Daily Heil, isn't it? That makes the most sense. Anyway as Bebe failed to score 9 goals in one of his first Premier League start we're all 100% sure he is a waste of money and we should throw him on the street so he can get beg me for money whilst I queue outside for a gig at Manchester Academy and have to remain very still in fear of him hearing the mass amount of change in my pockets jingle as I tell him "No, I don't have any money". In all due fairness, I'm not often at Academy.
Now we can all look forward to Wednesday's match against Bitter City. Who despite being able to beat West Brom aren't looking like whatever hyper bole Gary Cook gave them whenever. You know what I mean. He says lots of stupid stuff. Mario Balotelli could be out after his straight red, but probably not. That's how much sense the FA make.
Still seeing Tevez score before a Darren Fletcher brace, another Tevez goal and then a Chicharito winner should be fun for a wednesday evening in.
In genuinely great news, Antonio Valencia could be back as early as the end of February.
What's a Wayne Rooney?
This blog has been brought to you by;
- Being too anxious to make my return after my last post was so long ago.
- A burning rage against Northern Rail.
- Looking forward to seeing The Riot Before play at the Oxford.
So. How about that then, ey? For those who missed it here's the complete Wayne Rooney Saga by Leo Tolstoy.
19th August 2010
6:09: A party erupts on the streets of Sao Paolo.
9:15: Sir Alex, set to hand Manchester United legend, Rodrigo Possebon an incredible £250,000 a week contract for ten years is dismayed after discovering the world's greatest player has been transferred behind his back to Santos.
9:27: Sir Alex breaks world record for consistent swearing after finding out that Rodrigo Possebon was not sold for the £190m valuation.
11:23: Word breaks out amongst the rest of the players as the news of Possebon's departure sweeps the globe. Obertan though, seems remarkably controlled in his emotions, although is heard singing a very similar version of the Possebon song to himself.. possibly the Nicky Butt version.
11:49: Patrice Evra does something legendary.
13:36: Gary Neville is seen having a long talk with Wayne Rooney.
15:30: Paul Scholes picks up his kids from school. Tells them his day was "alright really".
18:00: Paul Scholes watches The Weakest Link. Sir Alex remembers that Possebon again and starts swearing.
20:09: Sir Alex calms down once more.
21st August 2010
12:32: Wayne Rooney meets up with his agent. Claims to be escorted by his "cousin".
22nd August 2010
10:09: Wayne Rooney misses the game against Fulham with an alleged stomach bug.
23rd August 2010
14:09: Wayne Rooney and Paul Stretford meet up with David Gill, Sir Alex Ferguson. Oliver Gill and Darren Ferguson also attend due to Old Trafford's bi-annual 'Bring Your Son to Work Day'.
14:13: Oliver Gill makes a faux pas. Is sent home.
16:33: Both parties leave the meeting unhappy. David Gill smacks Oliver Gill round the back of his head and sends him to bed early.
21:00: Paul Scholes goes to sleep. Accidently fouls his wife.
23:23: Gary Neville rings Wayne Rooney
26th August 2010
16:29: Owen Hargreaves rings me up telling me to stop stalking him. I breathe heavily into my phone for some time. Owen Hargreaves hangs up.
27th August 2010
9:05: I am sent a restraining order to stay 100 miles of away from Owen Hargreaves. I fake my death.
5th September 2010
19:07: Reports of Wayne Rooney sleeping with prostitute open to the press. Anderson considers this a slow-news day.
19:09: Anderson contacts his 3rd prostitute of the day.
16 September 2010
9:46: Patrice Evra does something legendary.
19th September 2010
12:30: Nani is sick of puns on his name. Especially when Wayne Rooney and grandmas are mentioned.
12:30: Paul Scholes watched The Weakest Link. Realises his watch has lost time.
17th October 2010
21:19: Gary Neville is seen laughing like a maniac for no reason. No one disturbs him.
18th October 2010
19:03: First rumours of Wayne Rooney's departure circulate.
19th October 2010
15:06: Sir Alex explains Wayne Rooney is leaving Manchester United. All hell freezes over. Cats making love to dogs. Priests not molesting children. Time moving in a zigzag motion.
15:29: Scientists at CERN manage to correct the path of Spacetime and return it to normal. Mainly thanks to Brian Cox and his handsome Manc face.
16:30: No one is able to get any comment out of Gary Neville. Phil say's he has some comments to make, only Keith Gillespe will hear them, and not for free.
20th October
17:44: Wayne Rooney makes his own statement. The lack of "erm..." in said statement leads everyone to believe it was in fact written by his agent.
21st October
11:40: Gary Neville tells team-mates that it's in fact a club gathering vacation today. Hands out clothing, forces players to get on bus. Oliver Gill is still grounded and can't go.
21:50: 40 (out of a possible 42) balacava-clans make death threat outside Rooney home. Everyone is thankful that Gary... erm.. Fan #2 didn't do the spelling and Jonny Ev... Fan #23 knew well that You're means You Are. Not Your as Fan #2 thought.
22nd October 2010
12:49: Wayne Rooney signs 5 year contract.
12:50: Gary Neville is proud of himself.
1st January 2011
00:01: Rodrigo Possebon returns to Manchester United for £215m. Oliver Gill is loaned to his mother's house for the month.
28th May 2011
21:49: Rodrigo Possebon scores 6 in 6-0 win over Real Madrid in Champions League final to cap an incredible 17th trophies. Including La Liga and several X-Games wins.
3rd August 2016
07:00: Manchester United manager Gary Neville releases his memoir in which he reveals how he orchestrated the entire Wayne Rooney saga to convince the Glazers to resign Rodrigo Possebon. Although in his book he refuses to reveal why Oliver Gill is so secretly disliked by his dad.
Monumental.
This blog has been brought to you by;
- Sky Sports News yellow ticker overload.
- Being terrible at F1 2010.
- Remembering that the Office US is quite funny and must be rewatched.
Once again, not a single team in the universe can defeat Manchester United this season. Some have tried, but none have yet succeeded. Maybe fellow Invincibles QPR could come close, but it would almost certainly be a draw after a United 2-0 or 3-0 lead and numerous defensive errors.
Although the West Brom match result is on the back burner as..
WAYNE ROONEY TO LEAVE OLD TRAFFORD AFTER TELLING FERGIE TO FUCK OFF AND PISSING ON HIS CAR WINDSCREEN. PROBABLY GOING TO SAME CLUBS WHO ARE LINKED TO EVERYONE.
Or at least that's the general gist of the numerous stories that are coming out, and will inevitably continue to be "exclusively broken" by whoever. With absolutely zero real information. My insider says Fergie still thinks Chris Eagles is at the club and tried to select him this weekend but assumed since he'd not seen him around anywhere lately, he must have be injured.
Still. Say that this story getting out isn't a nicely convenient way for Rooney and his agent to get whatever it was they demand in contract negotiations whilst David Gill shakes his head and tries to strike off as many zeros as possible.
And, if Wayne Rooney does indeed want to leave for City or Madrid.. or whoever. Will it be a bad thing? Rooney's been looking completely uninterested (like Ronaldo did, but Ronaldo continued to be brilliant) whilst Chicharito and Berbatov are looking very good maybe now is the time to cash-in. Then hopefully, finally, get a bloody midfielder. I'm free, and will play for free. I just have some... fitness issues. Oh, and chronic laziness. So I'm a bit like Riquelme then. (Note: Juan Roman Riquelme is actually a footballing genius)
So. Say Rooney leaves, who would replace him? Benzema? Rossi? Forlan? Cheapstrikerwe'venotheardofyet? You better believe it'll be him.
Anderson had to deny reports (which have been going on for a few years) that he was to leave to return to Porto. Anderson will no doubt be annoyed that Rooney has stolen his thunder.
At least when Own Goal is out of form he shuts up about it.
This blog is brought to you by;
- Wayne Rooney this, Wayne Rooney that.
- Being relatively certain we will not draw with Bursaspor.
After spending the last few days enjoying the misery of Liverpool it comes time once again to remember just how much shit we are in at the moment.
I tried as hard as possible to write a meaningful critique of the Glazers (pictured), but a) I'm terrible at reading or understanding finances and b) Many other blogs will do this much better. Either way, it makes for depressing reading. The £80,000,000 loss though could soon be wiped out with a winning EuroMillions ticket for tonight's draw giving us a £32,000,000 profit! Failing that, a bloody global uprising that would wipe-out any form of currency and replace it with a barter economy could well be positive for us.
Still upon first reading it's not as bad (although still very bad) as it could have been. A large chunk (£60m) of the loss was a one-off payment meaning next years' loss could just be £20m (or profit if we sell a good player). 'Cause that's how you run a good business.
The Green and Gold campaign has done very little, unfortunately. It's too small a minority in a huge world-wide fanbase. This is one of the few downsides of how big the club has become. MUST seems quite stagnant and the Red Knights are presumably AWOL. We the fans, need something new, and something with more impact.
On a much, much lighter and even more obvious note. Wayne Rooney is a chav. This common news known to all became even more shocking once read by the press, who forgot this was the case and were outraged that the young Roman, Kiko Macheda would say such a "vulgur" (see what I did?) insult to this countries fine young, Oxbridge-esque Wayne Rooney Esq.
There's slow news days and then there's no news days. From poor translation to missing the entire quote (Macheda describe himself as a coatto too) to no research (Totti is a self-described coatto and plays to it in the media) to obvious sensationalising in the media. Whoddafunkit?
Kiko of course, tried his best to clarify his comments today and probably did so - the Mail said today some reporters translated the word as 'vulgur' not mentioning themselves of course. I know, another Daily Mail dig, but c'mon, it's easy.
Edwin Van Der Sar who made his professional debut for Ajax before the coatto Macheda was even born has nish-nished any talk of him retiring. Forcing Tomasz Kuszczak to punch a wall.. and probably injure himself for the next game anyway.
Well. Now what to do? We've already wept about the Glazers, been annoyed by fans who wear new shirt/g&g scraft combo and wondered what other players are chavs. International football, that's what. I know, I know it's just not as fun but it will have to do.
Until post-Stoke City game on the 16th (another 3pm Saturday game?! Sky, are you awake?) unless some big news story (I heard from an insider that Owen Hargreaves knees are now so good that they've grown new knees underneath... which will need removing and he will be having surgery and should be back next year) happens that I can write about.. Peace, y'all.
This blog has been brought you by;
- Playing FIFA 11... not doing well at it. (PS3: mevsmorrissey)
- Spending future EuroMillions win.
- I'll say whatever your commerical product is here for £9,000,000! Enquire now... and reach all 16 readers!
After a typically "european" or "continental" performance (english pundits speaking - not me) United scraped away from Valencia with weather-envy and 3 points thanks to Chicharito (pictured).
It hadn't been the best build up to the match though. Wayne Rooney - who now is the only thing people read about in tabloids, besides staring at boobs - came off from a "meh" (me speaking - probably no pundits) performance away to Bolton Wanderers of Horwich. Although with respect Bolton under Owen Coyle are a much improved side when compared with their previous incantation under Mr. Charisma himself, Gary Megson.
On top of that it seems Rooney's out for 3 weeks now. Or maybe he's not. Who really knows? Luckily we have 92 strikers to choose from. And if all else fails there's always John O'Shea, who for all we know, could be a top quality striker. His finishes in the past vs. Arsenal and vs. Liverpool away were brilliant anyway.
The away clean sheet though (our first since May 2nd away to Sunderland - a stat that sounds impressive [and surely you will hear it again on Sky - as that's who we're up against next] but we've only played 4 away games besides Valencia, and if you want to count it one neutral game - that's only 3 league away games. Some crisis.) is a huge boost now with the return of Rio Ferdinand... possibly for more than a week. Although Jonny Evans (or Jevans) did start to pick up against Liverpool (despite conceding a penalty) and Horwich Wanderers.
The Sunderland game though, dose give us a huge run of fixtures that are, not to say piss easy, as I think some games may be slightly easy going up until the home game against Spurs on the 30th October. Here's in an intersting stat for Martin Tyler which he won't use, the last time United played on the 30th October it was away to Portsmouth in a 2-0 defeat. That'd be part-time football manager, full-time wheeler dealer 'arry Hedknapp's Portsmouth too. Although a month after that he "farked" off to Southampton. Although to even that stat out in our favour, we did have Roy Carroll in goal.
In Reserve team news [name a player] joined [name a football league club] on a one month loan since for whatever reason, if there is one, the Reserves Leagues has no games for a month.
Looking back at my predictions in my last post, it seems the only one that may have come true is the Gazelle legs possibly (this is neither confirmed nor denied by Manchester United PLC nor FIFA) being transplanted to Owen Hargreaves, though I do find it suspicious that now Dr. Richard Steadman says now is the turning point for Hargo. Which is also handy as Gazelles have great turning points.
It also seems that The Onion with this great article has tapped into how my brain works whenever I read anything on the Glazers or the Clubs Finances.
This blog has been brought to you by;
- F1 2010
- A shiny new computer
- More Honey Loops
Nope, I'm not dead, but my laptop is (my reaction pictured)! Next post will probably be in a couple of weeks time.
When I'll be talking about Bebe's 7 goals against Everton, Anderson's clever ploys to hide his dreadlocks from Sir Alex, Paul Scholes as he picks out 1 bad pass... but it ends up to Rooney anyway, and Owen Hargreaves' new knee transplant... for the knees of a gazelle as well as the sensational the FIFA controversy on animal limb transplants - including Paddy Kenny's new pig skin face.
So stay tuned for that. It sounds like there will be an interesting couple of weeks ahead.
It was a homecoming for John O'Shea and Darron Gibson (full name: Darron Thomas Daniel Gibson Shoooooooot!). Except from all the other times they come home. The Airtricity League XI (team line up pictured) were unable to stop the United team with plenty of returns.
It was a bog standard friendly trashing if you don't count the fact the Park Ji-Sung scored a goal by closing down, Michael Owen didn't get injured - but in fact scored a goal - with a finish close to what we saw of Own Goal last season (where is he in pre-season?), and perhaps most extraordinary, the brilliant Antonio Valencia scored with his left foot. Well, in fact he didn't. Slowed down replays showed that in a split second Antonio Valencia surgically switching legs and moving his left on to his right and vice versa. Hernandez scored too, which puts him back into a +number after scoring against us brilliantly for Chivas a few days earlier.
So after a pre-season against mostly average-at-best opponents (Chivas Guadalajara, Copa Libertadores finalists this year, were our toughest opposition). The real test comes against Chelsea this weekend in the Wedon'tcare Community Shield. The outcome of which has no impact on anything. It's not even very useful as a shield.
Perhaps the thing to look forward to is the Newcastle United game on Monday 16th August. That's one day before my 22nd birthday. Not that I'm hinting anything but you can buy me stuff that's cool. Not that I'm hinting but I'd like an iPad, I wouldn't use it, but it'd be nice to say I have one.
On a side-note does anyone remember that last time United played in the Premier League on a monday? Prize to the winner. (Note: No actual prize)
In not-happening transfer news. United are still being linked with Mesut Ozil. So much so that I'm actually getting annoyed by the sound of Ozil's name right now. I'm pretty sure he's a myth.
Piotr Trochowski's agent has claimed that the 4ft10 Hamburg attacking midfielder is on United's radar. And whoever else will make Hamburg offer Trochowski get a bigger contract. Even though as a club, there is no money to go around.
The press are still showing they're brilliant at creating transfer rumours. Michael Owen's apparently going to Bristol City, alongside Trevor Sinclair, Danny Mills, Darius Vassell, and Nigel Martyn. Maybe Gareth Southgate if they're lucky.
Oh, and I don't care if Rooney smokes or pisses in the street. He's earnt it.
This blog has been brought to you by;
- Anderson's future F1 career.
- Burn Notice.
- Still laughing at the name Elite Squad.
- Oddly excited that the Northern Lights may be visible over Northern England tonight.
- The realisation that this blog is already 14 months old. This makes me Rossobianchi Writer of the Year, yay! My reward is Honey Loops.
